H says ready to work on relationship, now what?

[Some Day]

So had a convo with H today over the phone. He says he still loves me, doesn't want to lose me and wants us to work on our relationship. He even talked about breaking his lease so he could move back in.

Personally, I'm a little scared. I told him that he would need to rebuild my trust and that a non-negotiable for me was that all contact with OW and girlfriend had to stop. He says OW is the one initiating contact and insisting after he has told her repeatedly no. He says the girlfriend is just a friend and he has no feelings for her.

H says he is willing to break off his relationship with both these women and would also consider going to counseling. He says he is scared that he'll come back and things won't work out for us. That statement scares me because it makes me feel like he's not truly committed (even though he says he is).

Please, what should I do? I don't want to rush into anything. Should we start hanging out more and doing things together, talking on the phone, etc? How do we both overcome our fears and reservations?

In regards to counseling, are the DB coaches qualified to do marriage counseling or should I seek someone face to face? How do I find a good one?

My head is spinning right now. I dont' know what to do.

[Some Day]

Yesterday, after our phone convo, H and I met in person and discussed this further (see above). He told me he loved me and missed me and didn't want to lose me. He apologized for hurting me. He kept reiterating that he wanted to come home and was willing to give his all to our relationshup.

I once again expressed that I can't tolerate contact w/ OW or his girlfriend. He said he agreed this was detrimental to our marriage and that he would stop it. He told me he had already spoken to his leasing agent and was ready to terminate the lease and move out in mid-January. He talked about the furniture he had acquired and where we could place it in our home. He also mentioned sleeping over once in a while until he terminates the lease.

All these things were brought up by him, not me. A few times I told him that I wanted him to be sure 100% and that it was something he truly wanted. He repeatedly said he was sure of what he wanted. He also said he knew that OW was not the right person for him. That she made his life chaotic and that when he was with her, he felt like he was pretending to be someone he's not (she's in her 20's and quite immature).

A good thing that came about is that H finally shared some of his feelings with me. He felt that my distancing from him made him feel like I didn't really care about him and made him question whether I truly loved him. He said he wanted to feel from me like I truly love and care about him. He shared with me what he liked and disliked about me. He told me he feels loved when we spend quality time together, show physical affection, and I give him words of affirmation. He admitted that he had taken up drinking excessively on weekends to numb the pain and that he knew this was wrong.

Last night, he slept over. Today, we spent most of the day together and we ML. As the day progressed he seemed to become more withdrawn. After dinner, he left to go back to his apartment and spend the night over there. I know that it's better if we move slowly and I give him the space to gradually come back vs. moving in tomorrow, but I must say that I felt sad and hurt that he wanted to go back to his apartment. However, I did not ask him to stay.

This is all new to me and I'm extremely scared. How do I manage this? He wants to come back to our marriage and our home in January. And I told him that he could come back as long as he demonstrated that all contact with the OW is over and I also conveyed that we would need to rebuild our trust. We both agree that we need to go to counseling so we don't repeat the same mistakes.

I'm guessing that I should expect him to be demonstrative one day and withdrawn the next as part of this process, right? I realize he has been out of the home for the past 5 months and it will take a while to make this transition. Thoughts?

[Some Day]

Hello everyone.
I wanted to provide an update on my situation to hopefully help others in the same boat and validate those who gave me spot on advice. Here goes...

Against my better judgment and the advice I got on these boards, I let my emotions rule my actions and I allowed my H to move back at the beginning of the year. He promised to end all contact with OW and go to counseling with me. He told me he would tell me if OW tried to contact him in any way. The first couple of weeks everything seemed great. He was loving, affectionate, etc. Then I started noticing he was acting distant again. He got angry when I asked him for access to his email passwords, etc. Still, I fooled myself into believing this was all part of the healing process and that we just needed time to get used to living together again and repairing our relationship.

The week of Valentine's day I got an unexpected email from the OW's husband. He told me my H and his W had started the affair back up again. I asked for proof and he sent me a few emails he had gotten ahold of. I couldn't believe it. All the anger that I had suppressed for so long came flowing out of me. The first thought that came to my mind was divorce.

When H came home from work, I asked him why he hadn't told me that he had been in contact with OW. He said he was planning on telling me that week. I then told him that I knew he was sleeping with her again and that I had spoken to her H. I asked him to come clean. I started crying and screaming hysterically. I pushed his arm and chest repeatedly with all the strength I could muster. I took his new cell phone and slammed it against the floor repeatedly until it shatterred. I fell to the ground shaking and crying and screaming hysterically.

He told me he had created a new email address to commmunicate with her. He told me they had started back up again in mid January (about two weeks after he had moved back into our home!). They had sex a few times at work in her office (after work hours). He also had sex with her a few times while I was away on a business trip. He would go to her apartment. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I wanted to throw his axx out of the house and file for divorce the next day.

He gave me his password to the new email he created and I found several emails they had exchanged as well as tons of pictures she had sent him in racy lingerie as well as completely naked. I cried and screamed some more. He left the house. He came back a couple of hours later and told me he wanted to talk.

I told him I could no longer trust him. I asked him what he wanted. I told him that if he did not love me and did not want to be with me, he just needed to say it. I told him if he wanted to be with OW, I would not intervene... he could pack his things and go. I would not bother him again and I would not ask him for money. (I earn enough to live on my own comfortably and don't need his financial support)

He cried, sobbed, begged, pleaded with me, asking him to forgive him. He said he had finally come to his senses and knew that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He cried for hours, begging me not to leave him or divorce him. I saw him cry like this for the first time in our 12 year marriage. I had never seen him like this. I think he sensed that I was seriously considering divorce and he would lose me forever.

We both slept on it and the next day we talked some more. I knew in my heart that I still loved him. I knew that I was ready to let him go if that is what he wanted. I also knew that if he could prove to me with his actions, not just words that he truly believed in us and wanted to stay, I would be willing to go through the hurt and pain all over again to recover our marriage.

When we spoke again, he said he would do ANYTHING i asked to earn my forgiveness and trust. (Note- I had never heard him say this before). He asked me what I needed. I told him all contact with OW must cease and I needed to be part of that communication. I told him he needed to come clean with his mom and brother and tell them what he had done. I wanted access to all of his online accounts, passwords, computer, cell phone, etc. I wanted him to change jobs (he works with OW). There were many more things I asked for. He agreed with all of them and over the next few days began to follow through.

He crafted an email to the OW, which I read before he clicked send. In the email he was clear about wanting no further contact with her, not loving her, loving me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. The next few days were rough. She would confront him at work and demand answers. She followed him with her car one day after work at confronted him while they were both a a stoplight. He would tell me about all the incidents and he continued to say he had nothing to say to her and that she needed to leave him alone. She became very angry and sent me several nasty emails.

Her emails were hurtful, she would list all the reasons why my H did not love me and why he loved her. She mentioned our "lame" sex among all the things that were wrong between me and my husband. She said many hurtful things. I would show my H the emails and he would get very angry. However, we both felt it was best not to respond and just completely ignore her. Then, her husband began to threaten my H. At one point, he followed him after work and confronted him in a parking lot, threatening to "put him in the hospital" for what he had done to him.

From what I gather, the H is still extremely hurt and angry and wants to seek revenge. I also think he is trying to scare my H, so that he stays away from his wife for good. They are currently not living together and he says that he cannot forgive or trust his wife anymore.

In the last couple of months, things have died down. There hasn't been any contact that I'm aware of. My H started a new job. I installed surveillance software on his computer and cell phone. There has been no suspicious activity so far, and the GPS tracking shows him being where he needs to be. I hate that I have stooped to spying, but right now, that is the only way I can manage my trust issues.

I have seen a sincere effort on his part to help us heal. He is more open with me and we are slowly learning to communicate again. I must say, this time around it is much harder for me. While I can forgive him, I can't say I trust him. I know this can take years. So, I'm taking things one day at a time.

Sorry for the long story, just wanted to share my journey so far

[greatwhitenorth]

All I can say is that I am speechless. I could visualize everything you wrote.

It never ceases to amaze me how deceptive people can be, and also how forgiving. None of us can see the future, but we all know full well the places that a bad decision can take us to, even if it *feels right* at the time.

I hope your life together from this point forward becomes everything you hope it to be.

[MrBond]

A very common story when it comes to Piecing. Have you arranged for counseling? Your H needs IC as well as MC.

[Some Day]

Thanks GWN and MrBond.

MrBond, when you say that this is a common Piecing story, which part of the story do you mean?

We have doing MC and I have been going to a women's suppport group for affair survivors. My H recognizes he needs IC, but has been slow moving on getting this done. I know why. He has a lot of childhood demons that he does not want to resurrect. He's never dealt with those issues, and I believe that it still affects him as an adult, although he tries to suppress the memories. I can't force him to do IC, only encourage him to do. Hopefully, he will see that in the end it is worth trudging through his painful past to get to better place. Not just for us, but for himself.

[MrBond]

The part about him going back to the OW right after he says he wants to work it out with you. It's especially tempting when they work together. Sometimes I get chastised for recommending that the cheating spouse should find another job away from the OP. But why risk the temptation?

You went through what they call false starts. He's still questioning what he wants or can do. That's why equally important is to get professional counseling. You and especially him, need guidance on how to eliminate the problem rather than sweeping it under the rug.

[Starsky309]

The part about him going back to the OW right after he says he wants to work it out with you. It's especially tempting when they work together. Sometimes I get chastised for recommending that the cheating spouse should find another job away from the OP. But why risk the temptation?

I don't know why you'd get chastised for that, Bond -- it's darned good advice. If you are a recovering alcoholic, do you keep liquor in the house? Do you take a job in a bar?

I have even seen it advocated that the reconciling couple MOVE TO A NEW CITY in order to ensure no-contact, and that they have every opportunity to try to heal their marriage, unencumbered. My wife and I didn't have to do that, but she DID have to quit her job (a boundary of mine), and she agreed. To do less is just letting the recovering pyromaniac play with the matches and kerosene.


Starsky

[dbmod]

Bond/Starsky--

Your advice is good. If it's a temptation, why risk it?

[Some Day]

Mr. Bond,

Thank you. Yes, false start for sure. I was clearly warned by many board members here (sandi and mlc come to mind, among others)to take things slow, set boundaries, and seek changes before letting him back in. However, I feel back into the gullible trap and let my emotions and love for him take over. I now see the wisdom in their advice. The second betrayal hurt me much more deeply.

We are working on improving our relationship, as what we had before is no longer acceptable to me. I want a better relationship than before the bomb drop, or I don't want it. I'm getting a lot better at speaking up rather than ignoring things that bother me. It's defintely a change. I'm a classic conflict avoider/denier. I'm getting there, slowly.

I hope my H seeks the IC he needs. I think he is starting to see the importance of it. We'll see if he takes the next step. He's so resistant to it, though. Don't know if this is a guy thing or just a product of his horrible childhood and not feeling comfortable talking about 'feelings.'