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#2224293 - 02/22/12 10:28 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5358
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Nblost
Good point, and I doubt he knows his motives.

Great idea to make a list of dealbreakers:
--End the affair, no further contact.

--Agree to go to counseling. I also think we'd have to be able to establish realistic goals.

--Open records around credit cards, cell phone, etc.

The one I'm not sure about is work travel. He does now need to be in OW's city for his job...but, that will be very hard. However, I think quitting the job he loves and asking him to end the affair could be too much all at once.

Something does have to change with his job though, it's too demanding and takes away too much from the marriage and family.



Well, the good news is, that RIGHT NOW, you cano't need to demand ANYTHING, because he's not asking back into the marriage. You're not at that pivotal "What would it take for me to come back?" stage. When you ARE, though, I think the FIRST item on your list pretty much takes care of the LAST item. Either "no further contact with OW" is a dealbreaker for you or it isn't (it sounds like it is, and good for you!), and either HE will be serious about making you feel safe in the marriage, and restoring your trust, or he won't. When that time comes, HE will need to demonstrate to you that he can maintain his current job, and its duties, and still meet your "no contact" boundary.

Make sense?

Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2224480 - 02/23/12 07:47 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Starsky309]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
Yep, I'm not overly concerned about having this list ready too urgently. I think a huge issue for me is him making our marriage a priority.

H is on his way home now...sending me a lot of text messages.

I'm pretty sure he's fighting to stay on his fence. I don't think he's at the point of being ready to completely recommit. And, until he is...I can't judge whether or not I'd be willing to try.

My friend was watching Dr. Phil yesterday...he told the wife in an affair situation..."why are you waiting for someone else to decide YOUR life?". That's a great perspective!
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2224493 - 02/23/12 08:30 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5358
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Nblost


My friend was watching Dr. Phil yesterday...he told the wife in an affair situation..."why are you waiting for someone else to decide YOUR life?". That's a great perspective!




I couldn't agree more.

The way I heard it phrased once was, "Why are you letting the ONE person who DOESN'T have the marriage's best interests at heart right now, decide its COURSE?"

That's not to say you can control the outcome (you can't). But you can certainly control YOUR end of it, and adopt a "This is what it would take for me to even BEGIN to think about taking you back, but in the meantime, I'm moving along with my own life", confident, GAL stance. It doesn't mean you have to FILE or anything (altho, eventually, that day might come when you have to, if he continues to cheat). It just means you've adopted an air of "I've moved on, emotionally."

Us men want most what we have to pursue.


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2224699 - 02/24/12 07:58 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Starsky309]
Nblost Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 299
My problem is that I told him I needed him out of the house back at the beginning of January. I can't live like this. He's done nothing. I think I'm stuck because for my H--it's easiest and keeps his options open--if he stays in the house with me. I think I may need to file to push him...but part of me hates doing that because it may put us on too much of a path towards ending things.

Last night, he's home...acts nice. Crawls in bed and falls asleep. This morning, he's giving me backrubs and probably wanted a bit more. (He didn't get anything romantic from me) But, when he leaves to go to work...I gave him a quick hug and instinctively tried to kiss him. He turns his head to avoid the kiss.

Honestly, I think I just want him out of here. I want to be able to move on. He knows he has to give up the affair for us to work on the marriage but he doesn't seem capable of that. And, as I keep saying, I'm also not sure I want to be here waiting to be his second choice if the affair falls apart.

This is very hard...I can seem little glimmers of him in there somewhere...but I know we are both very unsure of next steps.

Thanks Starsky!
_________________________
M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012

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#2224753 - 02/25/12 01:24 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Starsky309]
dbmod Offline
Member

Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 2155
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: Nblost


Still, hard to know his motives and if we could make things work again.


Nb,

It's impossible to judge "motives." DB teaches us to monitor ACTIONS, not motives or intentions.

Do you know what your list of "dealbreakers" are, ahead of time, should your husband come to you and ask for reconciliation? Now would be a good time to put together that list, while your mind is clear.


Starsky



^^^wisdom
_________________________
dbmod

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#2224769 - 02/25/12 02:27 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: Nblost]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5358
Loc: Florida
This:

Originally Posted By: Nblost
This morning, he's giving me backrubs and probably wanted a bit more. (He didn't get anything romantic from me) But, when he leaves to go to work...I gave him a quick hug and instinctively tried to kiss him.



Doesn't say this:


Quote:
Honestly, I think I just want him out of here. I want to be able to move on. He knows he has to give up the affair for us to work on the marriage but he doesn't seem capable of that. And, as I keep saying, I'm also not sure I want to be here waiting to be his second choice if the affair falls apart.


DB teaches us to judge their ACTIONS, and not their WORDS (the ol' "Believe none of what they say, and only half of what they do"). Well, that works both ways. wink


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2224779 - 02/25/12 02:58 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: dbmod]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Damn Starsky....use your commas correctly! So intelligent, but damn on your punctuation LOL ...like so many here!
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

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#2224786 - 02/25/12 03:07 AM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: MynameisMZ]
MynameisMZ Offline
Member

Registered: 12/22/10
Posts: 482
Starsky ....<<<;-)>>>

Drives me nuts. Read Strunk & White.
_________________________
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Top
#2225067 - 02/26/12 01:33 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: MynameisMZ]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5358
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ
Starsky ....<<<;-)>>>

Drives me nuts. Read Strunk & White.


Why? Maybe you should read "Miss Manners." It's a HELP FORUM, not an English class. Since inflection can't be heard on here, I use punctuation phonetically, to include pauses that I want to include in my inflection. (I also, from a technical standpoint, overuse dashes and I sometimes either begin or end sentence with ellipses, does it really matter?)

You're always free to ignore my posts.


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2225068 - 02/26/12 01:34 PM Re: Indecision and the affair continues (part 3) [Re: MynameisMZ]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5358
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: MynameisMZ
Damn Starsky....use your commas correctly! So intelligent, but damn on your punctuation LOL ...like so many here!


btw, four elipses isn't proper form, MZ. Just sayin.' smirk


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
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