After several months of tense feelings, and a handful of bomb droppings, W left me to live with MIL. She was pushed over the edge by my attempts to control her - in this particular case, turning the internet off after she paid to have it turned back on.
At first, she was going to stay with me during the holidays to soften the blow of divorce on our families, but after a week or so, we agreed to separate first and she'd go ahead and leave after Thanksgiving.
I had the typical LBS reaction, complete with begging and pleading, a complete lack of dignity in the situation. Of course, it didn't do anything to help the situation. If anything, it made W's flight all the more urgent.
The first week of her absence was one of apathy and a complete lack of motivation to live my life as an individual. My parents did what they could to help me out, feeding me dinner, helping me with gas, helping me get enrolled in Tai Chi, etc... it helped keep me going when I otherwise probably would have just continued to waste away.
I didn't even notice the holiday season; I was too focused on my sitch to be able to process anything else. I found more than a little relief and respite from spending time with my 2YO S. Thankfully, W was being fair about visitation, splitting our time as much as my schedule would allow.
The few interactions I had with W following our separation came only when it was time for S to transition from one of us to the other. Since the transition frequently occurred on days that we both worked, I rarely saw her, even on those days, since the pickups were from the daycare or my parent's place.
It wasn't until after our first face-to-face meeting post-separation that I found the 37 points that float around here. I immediately began applying some of the easier points (basically, conduct myself with dignity and no ILYs around her). I began to try and do some other GAL activities, but mostly just read Tom Clancy novels to keep myself distracted. It helped a lot.
What was interesting, to me, was that almost as soon as I began applying what I felt was useful to my sitch from the 37 points, W's urgency to get away from me as fast as possible at every meeting gradually became less and less. Our conversations eventually became about things other than S or our sitch. They were still short, but for now, it was important to show that the dog wouldn't bite.
On our exchange of S for Christmas, I gave her some presents from my parents, and she gave me a hug. I'd told her I missed her, and she said that she knew, but that was how it had to be for now.
Dad had a heart-attack a few days later, starting a series of health events in his life that has him still in the hospital, even at this point.
After a couple of long days in the ER/hospital, W told me she was bringing S and moving back in while we dealt with this. I was torn about this development. On one hand, I was beginning to be able to live with myself, by myself, again... but on the other, I did secretly hold on to the hope that this was a sign she wanted to try to rebuild.
When she first came back, she tended to stay as far away from me as she could, generally staying in her room. Most of our exchanges came as a result of S's needs or some change in my dad's condition. Slowly, she began spending her evenings in the living room. I'd sit with her, but we'd spend most of our time in awkward silence. I continued to go to Tai Chi as my schedule allowed. W would go and send the night with her friend on pretty much every weekend.
A pastor from my church became aware of our situation prior to Christmas and had called me in to his office to talk about what was going on. He'd wanted to speak with W, as well, but I didn't want to pressure her into something she didn't want to do. Now he was putting pressure on me to get her to come in. I was paralyzed by fear of undoing all the meager progress I'd made, but an opportunity to get her to go presented itself.
She went and spoke to him, and agreed to meet with him a second time with me present. Her attitude towards me had perceptibly changed after that initial meeting. I think having her feelings validated by a third party, particularly with the church, took some of the edge off of her anxiety about the situation.
It was just prior to this joint meeting that I'd made one of my largest 180s: I quit drinking. I drank, on average, 4-6 beers a night. It was a habit I'd had for years, but didn't have it when W and I'd first started living together.
At the joint meeting, the pastor ran down the list of notes he'd made in his meeting with W, and basically asked me if they were true. I'd just recently also given up on being a victim, so I'd said that they were, and didn't try to displace blame for my actions. The pastor wanted me to apologize to W and ask for an apology, as well as gave me some reading homework to do. He gave us the information for a counselor he wanted us to see, and asked our permission to be able to discuss our situation with the counselor. We're going to sign a release that will okay it.
I didn't apologize right away. I wanted it to be sincere and thought out, both things that are difficult to do without time, but my interactions with W had been altered by this meeting. We were given the imperative to become friends again, and we both worked towards this end.
I gave her a short apology after a few weeks, telling her that I was still working on the full apology, but that I was still figuring out what I felt about things. She accepted that. It would be a few more weeks still before I'd find the opportunity to give the apology. It was an emotional day, for the both of us.
The following Sunday was Easter, and also our Anniversary. I was prepared to ignore that latter aspect of the day, but it seems that W was acutely aware of the day and had plans of her own. We ML that night. We even acted like a married couple for a couple of days afterwards.
The story continues...
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
If you could plot the physical intimacy of the last week on a chart, it would look like a steep mountain wall, only you were standing on top, and the future was in the valley below, with another mountain on the other side
I really wasn't surprised by that. Considering everything that's happened over the last few months, I've had to take some time to ponder our anniversary as well. But still, we went from ML to an awkward hug a few days later.
W had a bachelorette party to go to Saturday night. I kept S and went to church, then home to relax. I slept pretty well, and woke up a couple of hours before she got home (she'd been planning on drinking and staying the night at the friend's house).
She came home a bit hungover, but in generally good spirits. We spoke for a little while over coffee and orange rolls I'd baked. At one point, we went about separate activities. I was still a bit tired, so I went and layed in my bed for a little bit. I got up to do something, and when I came back, W was laying in my spot. I walked around the bed to the other side, commenting on how that was what I was coming to do, and then layed with her, maintaining a bit of space between us (hard to do on a full size bed). She rolled over to the middle of the bed. S came in a minute later and began climbing on us. I got up to do something, and as I came back, she made mention of being in a cuddly mood. I took that to mean with S, but as she began talking about how sore her back was, I realized she meant with me.
We stayed in bed, fully clothed, but entwined in each other. She played with my hair and we kissed occasionally. We made plans to spend the day like that, but it wasn't meant to be. While in bed, we made a grocery list. I went shopping, and when I came home, discovered that S had removed his diaper and proceeded to not only poop on the floor in my room, but also smear it into the carpet. I put him in the bath. After he was clean and dry, I went to get a diaper and clothes for him, but had made the mistake of leaving him in my bed, so he peed on it pretty good.
I wound up washing sheets and shampooing the carpet instead of what we'd planned on doing (watching movies in bed). W began feeling a little worse and eventually just became stuck to the couch, watching TV. We'd still hug and kiss occasionally. She asked me if I wanted to go to her friend's wedding with her. I told her I would. In all, still a pretty good day. I was thankful for what I got, though I admit I was hoping for a whole day of it! Won't find any complaining here, though.
I've been doing bits and pieces of yardwork the last few days, removing stumps, transplanting certain bushes to other areas of the yard, etc. W mentioned that we needed to get some tomato plants going, and that she really liked some of the things I'd done to the yard so far.
I'm still just taking it day-by-day, though. It's easier, that way.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
First off, my dad is home, and doing much MUCH better than he was several months ago. It was scary, and we came close to losing him a few times. I give my heartfelt thanks to everyone who's shown concern.
Now, down to the reason I'm here...
We're starting MC on Thursday. I'm nervous. REALLY nervous.
Things have been both eventful and confusing since I last posted. We resumed a somewhat romantic relationship, though there was never a commitment to work things out. It was "one day at a time" for weeks. I worked hard to remember and keep alive the things I learned here, but the trap is getting comfortable. Unfortunately, I let some of it slip.
As of today, it's been 133 days since my last drink. Still don't really think about it, except when I want to recall how long it's been. And when watching Anthony Bordain's No Reservation.
So what was I doing? Good question, let me try and remember:
-cook -maintain pma -took more initiative on watching S -concerted effort to not make excuses -no drinking -got a new job -general serving as situations arised
We didn't argue, we smiled and laughed, we had sex... superficially, it was great, but the new elephant in the room was that no progress was being made. NOTHING was changing, for better or worse.
I lost my last job about a month and a half ago as a cumulitive effect of missed days over the last year. I was unemployed for just over a week before I was working again, but I'd lost my insurance, and my new job, while a much better deal for me overall, doesn't supply insurance until after a probationary period. I ran out of my anti-depressants. I started stretching out what I had remaining, the end result being extended withdrawal symptoms, I guess. I don't know if this would be a legitimate excuse (yes, I know what I said above about making excuses... not TRYING to be a hypocrite, but apparently being one anyway).
My mood started getting erratic. I'd be fine for a couple of days, then just have a day where my mood was terrible, and I just could not seem to smile to save my life. They seemed to get gradually worse, but never really for more than a day, until I spent a whole day in bed. W was at work, S was with me. I tried to pay attention to him, but I gave into my own selfishness. W was understandably furious when she came home to find me drinking coffee and I told her why.
There was another instance where I was kind of down, but we were kind of playing around in my bed, when I said something extremely vulgar and offensive. She wasn't mad right way, but I think it was the kind of thing that bothers you more the more you think about it in a situation so delicate. I got too FAMILIAR. It wasn't about other people or anything else, just using really gross terms. I'm too embarassed to even repeat it.
I don't know who the hell I was in these two instances. In retrospect, I feel like I didn't have control over myself. They're certainly not things I'd do now. I was being selfish.
While I've apologized for both of these events, it's clear that they were some MAJOR mis-steps.
I'm glazing over a lot of details here. Like a lot of my posts recently, too much has happened to remember it all right now, and I really don't have much time to spend on this... I'll add more as it becomes relevant, I guess.
I say all that to tell about the last week-to-10 days. Father's Day weekend was perhaps the best weekend I've had since before all this stuff began. I felt loved, comfortable, hopeful for the future. All of what I talked about happened before this.
The following week, she slowly reverted back to the mode she was in just prior to the separation. I'm not sure if it was something I did, or just a cumulative effect of the above incidents. I guess it doesn't matter. We'd been talking about MC more and more, and we both realized that having sex again was what threw us off the course we were on 3 months ago.
Three nights in a row, the talk came up. The conversations started off with a completely different topic, but inevitably wound up in her telling me how I trigger her bad moods. I was blindsided, and tried to get back into DB mode on the fly. I validated and maintained eye contact as much as I could, but on the third day, I spoke up.
She was getting upset about how I was still trying so hard to keep us together, how I won't see or give her what she needs, but she declined to say what it was. I told her I understood how she felt, but it was unfair to expect me to accept that and be happy about it for her.
One of her complaints was about how we hadn't reconnected emotionally. We haven't been communicating about the relationship, only the day-to-day stuff. I brought that up, and asked her how she expected to reconnect emotionally if we weren't communicating. This did somewhat end the conversation, but not with us stomping off to our rooms. We continued to stay around each other. She told me that she loved some things about us, but didn't know if the relationship could be rekindled.
Did I make a mistake? It's hard to say from the mood in the house. Things haven't beeen as tense the last two or three days, I even got a little kiss as thanks for making and bringing her lunch to work on Sunday... I know that from the strict 37-rules approach, I've probably effed up big time.
I know it looks like we're in MC now only as a result of the last week, but I'd already set the appointment a day or two before the "big three". As for why it took so long, I do accept the blame for it. I should have moved before she had a chance to remember why she was so upset. I can blame schedules all day long, but I just didn't push hard enough.
So, does anyone have any advice for handling the MC? During the fights, she expressed uncertainty about the R, but more on the side of ultimately getting a D. I know I need to validate, let her speak, don't blame, etc... what am I missing?
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
She was getting upset about how I was still trying so hard to keep us together, how I won't see or give her what she needs, but she declined to say what it was.
She doesn't know yet what it is probably, only that she doesn't feel like she is getting it.
You came to your answers by a process and I might add with a lot of support form people here who have been on this road and know the pitfalls.
She is on her own. It might be a bit presumptuous to assume she is in the same place you are by the passage of time. Your time by the way. Your timeline.
Not hers.
Your agenda.
Originally Posted By: Tenbus
We haven't been communicating about the relationship, only the day-to-day stuff. I brought that up, and asked her how she expected to reconnect emotionally if we weren't communicating. This did somewhat end the conversation
What did you expect?
You inserting what YOU want again?
Your W is going to get there or she won't. But I can tell you it won't be on YOUR timeline.
You can't speed it along Ten but you can hold it up by inserting your own agenda and timeline.
She still feels pressure and that you are pushing for what you want.
How can you SHOW her that you are different?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
An excellent question. I wish I could answer that. Beyond what I've already been doing, I just don't know. I ponied up the extra money to get back on my ADs, which has been a big help in getting me back towards where I was 3 months ago, mentally.
A part of the reason it's taken this long for us to get to MC has been because I haven't put any pressure on her about this, and have been sincerely trying to not put any on her in any way at all. She told me a couple of weeks ago that it was my job to set the appointment up, to stop waiting on her. Prior to this, there'd been little-to-no discussion since our visit with the pastor we've been working with since February.
It really is hard to say what it is that W wants, she hints VERY heavily towards D, but won't come out and say it, if that's actually the case. She admits that she doesn't know what she's feeling, beyond she doesn't think we can work it out. She's gone on to say that she wants to see if she can find the feeling with someone else and that she might come back, or she might not.
Of course, I guess that there's the possibility that she ISN'T hinting at D, but I really don't know what else she could mean. I'm trying not to have any expectations, but it's hard to not think about.
In a weird way, I really do understand where she is coming from. My frustration about the lack of communication stems mostly from the fact that she won't let us have that conversation, then later tells me we're not reconnecting emotionally. I know I can't get her to see it my way. It got really hard to not say something. I spoke my piece, though, and it's off my chest.
The only thing I've actually asked of her is to keep an open mind and heart about the MC, that I would accept and do whatever the C suggests, in conjunction with the pastor's advice.
Things have become relatively calm, but it's probably akin to the calm before the storm.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
Thanks for stopping by, KD. Been a little while! It went better than I expected.
I think the C is very talented, and I think he did a good job of making both of us feel safe to express ourselves. He's presented a rough guess of what he expects to do during treatment, and today sent me a couple of surveys (one for depression, one for personality) he wants us both to fill out. He did say that he'd refine the course of treatment as more comes out. He even got W to commit to trying. He wants to see us for at least 6 sessions.
More importantly, I think he understood what I was going through - not in the sense of taking my side, but seeing why things are the way that they are for me. I think this will be positive for me, no matter what happens.
Me: 31 W: 28 M: almost 6 T: 10.5 S2 Bomb#1: 05/11 Bomb#2: 11/11 S'd: 11/28/11 Moved back in: 12/28/11 MC: 06/28/12
You didn't need my input with all the heavy hitters on your thread, tbr...
This was the same therapist that your W recommended? I don't remember, so... If so, then good. She should also be comfortable doing the work. Although if it is (unless that was someone else) than I was a little surprised to hear you said the therapist got her to commit to trying... like she wanted to see this guy and yet maybe wasn't fully committed...
