From the "believe none of what they say and only half of what they do" file:
In the week before Easter my W did/said/promised the following:
* W suggested we take the boys to a hockey game. It was too late to get the tickets so we made a rain check for a different day. The rain check ended up being for her, S10 and his friend for this past Friday.
* W suggested we do something as a family on Easter Sunday, (her preference was to go to a water park or something like that. Late in the day we ended up at a movie with just one of my sons.
* I had informed my W that I would be watching a friends children while they attend a wedding this past Saturday. W said she would help because she thought me managing 3 kids would be a challenge. She told me late yesterday afternoon that she would call and come by later. No call and no show.
Making a mental note, most of what the WAS says is BS.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
There are a couple of quick paths out of limboville when you lose the fear and are ready.
One is that you walk away from it yourself while YOU drop the BOMB on HER (flip the sitch), holding onto your NUTS about what you need from a W in a marriage.
"W, this separation situation isn't working for me anymore. I enjoy spending time with you when we are together, but I want more [commitment, love, time together, investment in our M, whatever] from my W than you are giving me. I'm not ok with going on like this anymore, so I will file for D. Can you please pass on your attorney's name to me? We can be good co-parents to our S together and maybe even friends after things settle down."
The other is you walk back into the fray, also holding on to your NUTS about what is acceptable behavior to you from your W, while pulling the RobX I mentioned to you before.
"W, I have decided to move back into the family home and master bedroom. This separation situation isn't working for me anymore. I am not ok with being in a M where we aren't [connecting, commmited to each other, loving, spending time together, investing in our M, whatever] or with being outside my family home. I am also not ok with sharing my W another M while she tests the waters. If you want to carry on with him, then it is time that you move out of the family home. I will help you pack your things if that is what you want."
(and if she says she wants to stay and work on things with you, you lay out the conditions that are essential to you to feel safe moving forward with her [transparency at minimum, probably also M therapist]. If she's not ok with them, then say, sorry, W, that doesn't work for me given the situation.
Lose the fear, and you lose the limbo.
OK Busto walk me through this... I agree that both of the scenarios you lay out above will get me out of limbo. There is no doubt about that! You've been following my sitch since almost the beginning, where do you see this going if I adopt one of these two strategies? Is there another strategy that I should consider?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
IMHO, limbo is simply a state of mind - it's all in your head. Look at me. I'm divorced, co-parenting and co-habitating. At times I still feel like I'm in limbo, but then I get control of my feelings. I tell myself what I'm doing is for my children, and that this will all end eventually. XW may or may not ever come out of her crisis.
It hasn't been a year since the D. And I haven't felt any inclination to meet other women. Maybe I'll finally get around to it, and the limbo will be over. But like crazyville said in another area, that will only diminish XW in my mind. I don't want that you. What'll probably happen is she'll be surprised, because I'm not the type. And friends will say to her, "He's a great guy; you didn't expect someone to snatch him up?" But I digress.
The point is, limbo is in your head. There are fractured R's all over this forum. Some still sleep togethe;, some are like room mates; some are married but seperated, and some like me are divorced with children. It could be argued, you will never be out of limbo. Or you could just step out of it tomorrow. You decide.
Hugs Pic
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
"I don't want that you" ???!!! WHOOPS. Meant to say, "I don't want that YET." (damn keyboard)
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
IMHO the 2nd scenerio of you moving back in would not work. I think it will force your W to stand her ground even firmer. The first example could work but you have to have such balls. Which I for one do not have.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
OK Busto walk me through this... I agree that both of the scenarios you lay out above will get me out of limbo. There is no doubt about that! You've been following my sitch since almost the beginning, where do you see this going if I adopt one of these two strategies? Is there another strategy that I should consider? [/quote]
Where do u see this going 2? Are you ok w/ any outcome? No expectations right?
Hey 2tp. I've been out for awhile...just popped in to say 'hi' and see how you're doing? I hope you're staying as strong as you can under these difficult circumstances. And I hope you're asking for, and getting, some good guidance on the decisions you're making and on the communication you're expressing to her. Best wishes buddy.
ps - I really appreciate the help you've given me, especially with the communication I've had with her.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
