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#2237866 - 04/14/12 12:47 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: ~ kd ~]
cat04 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/31/09
Posts: 2237
Zig,

My story is long and complex. I used DB once to reconcile my M, and once to survive it.

My X is a MLCer, which is a very different ball of wax than a straight forward WAS.

It was my choice to stop standing, I still DB, in all areas of my life. The tools that I learned here are very useful in dealing with people and myself in general.

I have also been around for a very long time. That being said, some things changed in the books, DB to DR. Going dark in DB is the LRT in DR. LRT in DB is After the LRT in DR. So some of us very oldtimers, refer to the terms a bit differently than the newer vets and it can create confusion. However, what Kaffe and I were talking about really is the same thing, just with a different name.

I liked his version of using the LRT, not engaging but participating in a conversation if you want to. Kinda going dim...which is about all you can achieve with children involved.

Anyway, the bottom line is that you have to do what works for you.

One thing I see in your posts is that you are trying to figure out why he is doing this or saying that in relation to your M.

At this point, that itself is making you crazy. We have all done it. Part of getting yourself through this is coming to a point where you don't worry so much about his reactions, you don't base what you want to do on what he may or may not be doing, whether he may or may not be coming back.

I think this business of yours is a wonderful idea. Definately something to pursue, regardless of what he thinks. Yes, it will probably take you time to really start earning, then again, you may be the next overnight success. You won't know until you try, and let's be honest, you probably knew not to expect boatloads of money right away, but you were EXCITED about it until he shot you down.

If you are excited about it, be excited, regardless of what he thinks.

I saw you minimizing it based on what he said.

That is the kind of thinking you need to eradicate.

I am excited for you. I love the idea of handmade (machine made) items that are not mass production. Get your pictures, put them on a craft selling site, in a store and see what happens.

That is a GAL activity. smile

And a selfesteem boosting activity. smile

And possibly a profitable activity. smile

Focus on you, what you can do to improve your life.

I am in and out most of the time anymore but I will keep checking on you.

Read other peoples threads, post to them, especially people whose sitch's resonate with you. Start making friends and building a support system of people who can understand what you are going through.

Cat
_________________________

"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox

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#2237873 - 04/14/12 01:46 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: ~ kd ~]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1288
you have a dog? what kind? i have had this incredible urge to get a dog for the last few months - i've hesitated mainly because of the vet bills - can't afford anything right now. but you know, i just might be brave and get a puppy with s this spring - heck, it would be so lovely to have company when i am on my own and i know that s would get really soothed cuddling and playing with the dog.

Hey Zig,

I can recommend getting a dog.

I never believed all that stuff about the therapeutic powers of pets, but I can truly say that I think our little puppy has saved my family.

S13 has bonded with the dog so strongly and is being responsible for him in ways I never would have anticipated.
D16 is getting real joy and pleasure out of him too.

For me, puppy has also been a godsend. I'm never alone now - he's always here for me. Patting and holding him give me such calmness and strength. And even the need to get up each morning to feed him has put a much-needed routine into my days.

Plus I have to take him out for exercise. And whenever I do, people come up to talk. I have never met so many people as I have in the last 5 months that we've had the dog. I keep hoping to meet a single tall, dark and handsome at the dog park, but no luck as yet. It's gonna happen though.

I can tell you I hesitated too because of the costs involved - but compared with the cost of therapy for my kids, the dog is cheap!

Google for advice about asthma and dogs - i'm sure there will be some that wil be OK.
Ours is a whippet, and has a beautiful nature. He's worth his weight in gold!

H really loves him too - sometimes I think he comes over just to see the dog!

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#2237878 - 04/14/12 02:12 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: NLW]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8907
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Wow, you had a busy day while I was at work yesterday. Looks like you got a lot of great support, I've just skimmed.

It appears to me that the convos with H leave you twisting and hurt. Would it be possible for you to tell him you need time to get on your feet (or whatever) and that it might be best to email and only about S? That gives YOU such space.

Remember, envision that woman you want to be a keep moving toward

Here's to a great weekend.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2237892 - 04/14/12 03:12 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Hey Zig, just catching up. That is a lot to process for you. Does it change any of your goals? Does it make you question them? IMO, the external should not direct the internal. Or, what goes on outside of us shouldn't direct who we are on the inside. The internal drives how we respond and relate to the external. Keep focus on yourself and who you want to be and how you want to heal.

Hope you have a good weekend.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2237938 - 04/14/12 09:04 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: ces67]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
just checking in - everyone- HUGS

i am so busy GALing today that i will have to wait until later to respond

meanwhile - your support means so much to me (sniff))

i'm taking everyone's advice in spades - baby steps:)

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2237965 - 04/15/12 02:30 AM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: zig]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2548
Loc: Piney Land
Zig you still sound like and amazing woman. Yesterday I took. Friend who is graduating from grad school to an Indian buffet. He is Indian. The place did not have butter chicken. we had other stuff that was pretty good. We had goat it was the best. We both sweated from the spices. The best part was the bread. Think he called it Nanm or something like that. Really really good stuff.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2238047 - 04/15/12 08:17 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: Rick1963]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
quick question_

h has asked me several times how i feel about the house, and i have replied not very honestly _giving the impression that i am ok with it. - by focusing on how it will be better for s to have more of a home and really leaving how i felt out of it completely

now i want to let him know the following:

h, i want to be honest as you have asked me several times how i feel and i have skirted the issue and maybe given you the impression that i am ok with your making another move further away.

i am not happy about this, as i would prefer to see us working things out, but if this is what you truly want, then i will respect your decision and support s as much as i can in making the adjustment.


is this DB compatible?

i know, i haven't answered everyone's posts - this weekend has been busy and maybe tonight after s is asleep i will have chance to respond

i am focusing as much as i can on myself and "moving towards a better feeling thought_ when things get hard.

hope everyone is well
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2238192 - 04/16/12 01:59 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8907
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
h, i want to be honest as you have asked me several times how i feel and i have skirted the issue and maybe given you the impression that i am ok with your making another move further away.

i am not happy about this, as i would prefer to see us working things out, but if this is what you truly want, then
i will respect your decision and support s as much as i can in making the adjustment.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238378 - 04/16/12 10:41 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks labug - didn't catch your message before i went and did the deed

well i said the whole thing in a phone call, yesterday - and he turned it into an argument about what he'd said and agreed to do. after i made clear that if we were to co-parent successfully, i needed to be heard too, the [censored] hit the fan and he started yelling divorce!!

i stayed calm and said that if that is what he wished, i respected his decision, even though it was not what i wished, that i would prefer to see us stay a family together, i would not help him to get a divorce, but it was his prerogative to file for one is he wished.

he tried to make it sound as if i said i was going to fight the divorce, and i said that is not what i meant, i meant that i just wasn't going to help him to get it.

he yelled a lot, things like - "i'm ending this relationship right now, this minute" (i replied that it had been clear to me that he had ended it last august). also said "i have no intention at all of trying to make this relationship work." i said i respected that .

then we got off the phone after i said that i needed to go pick son up.

about an hour later, he called back and apologized profusely - not for the divorce stuff but for the argument and what he'd said and that what i had said during the argument was perfectly true.
i told him very nicely that i really appreciated it,(it was the most heart felt sounding apology i'd ever got from him). he said he had a really hard time telling me the truth (that's what the argument was about) because he was scared of my reaction.

i replied that in the past, because i used to get so angry , i understood that he was apprehensive, but now during this separation i have given him no reason to expect that. i understood that it takes a long time for people to recognize something like that, but the issue was trust on his part - he didn't trust that i will listen and acknowledge,

so that's that- will he file, will he not ????????

who cares - frankly i wasn't that upset - it sounded like a big old tantrum, and was hard to take so seriously. and if that's the way he needs to go about saying what he really wants - well, he hasn't evolved much! on the other hand, part of me was quite relieved - some movement - and that's almost the worst and i didn't fall apart, and i'm still standing and i'm looking' good, baby - just a few little tears with my sweet friend , but even then, not so caught up - actually i didn't react so much at all - it was like, okay whatever....

funny thing about the house - he drove s round to see it - and when s described it to me, i was like, hot damn, that's just the kind of house he knows i love - in fact that's not really his taste in houses!!!!

maybe when he guts it and gets it all done up he'll invite me there to live with him and s!!!! (GRIN)

how you doing labug - the last few days have been so busy, i haven't had time to post or to read other's stuff - it's good though - i'm moving forward step by step and have to stay focused

hope you're all well
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2238381 - 04/16/12 10:55 PM Re: the path is the goal... [Re: zig]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1288
Originally Posted By: zig

about an hour later, he called back and apologized profusely - not for the divorce stuff but for the argument and what he'd said and that what i had said during the argument was perfectly true.
i told him very nicely that i really appreciated it,(it was the most heart felt sounding apology i'd ever got from him). he said he had a really hard time telling me the truth (that's what the argument was about) because he was scared of my reaction.
zig


Oh Zig,
This is exactly what I get from my H after he explodes.

He says it a little more passive-aggressively though: "I'm afraid of you". It makes me look like some sort of dom violence perpetrator.

Not sure what to make of these sorts of apologies. Is it just guilt-reduction on their part and makes no difference at all to their position?

Or is it evidence that they are finally doing some work to look inward and realising that we are not the 'problem'?

Trying not to mind-read, but I would love to hear from others about their experiences of spouses' apologies (don't want to hijack, though!).

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