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#2232707 - 03/22/12 08:54 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Cadet]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Hi golfmom, so sorry to hear that you are going through this. i know how hard it is to wait and wonder about the scheduled talk... i wish you all the best. I was just saying on my thread that my new GALing activity was to buy a turntable and listen to fun old records. I hope you can find something that gives you some peace and helps you grow as you wait....and please read all the successes reported on this forum. They really help!


Me: 51 W: 41
T: 10 M: 7
ILYBINILWY: 7/11
Moved out: 10/11
Moved back in: 11/11 moved out again and asked for divorce 7 days later
Wants to work on things: 1/12
Decision to move across country: 2/12
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2232737 - 03/22/12 11:42 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: needgrace]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
After today I've lost all hope. My husband left preliminary mediation papers on the porch this morning. I told him I was not agreeable. I met with an attorney today and have a plan in place if I'm pushed. If he wants a divorce he can file. I've asked him to leave me alone. For me that's a180. I'm hoping to stall. For what it's worth, my attorney said that quite often the spouse that wants out at some point later in the proceedings or afterward has a change of heart but by then the other spouse has moved on.

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#2232843 - 03/23/12 03:50 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
cdavis Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 45
Originally Posted By: golf mom
After today I've lost all hope. My husband left preliminary mediation papers on the porch this morning. I told him I was not agreeable. I met with an attorney today and have a plan in place if I'm pushed. If he wants a divorce he can file. I've asked him to leave me alone. For me that's a180. I'm hoping to stall. For what it's worth, my attorney said that quite often the spouse that wants out at some point later in the proceedings or afterward has a change of heart but by then the other spouse has moved on.


I think that does happen a lot.

Try to handle the relationship and separation agreement separate. Most states are either equal (not much to fight over unless disputed over valuation of assets), or equitable (spouse gets to keep pre-marital assets or stuff that is bought with them). There are usually formals for alimony (if that applies in your case) and pretty much always a set state guidlines on child support. I would just not discuss it with spouse just let attorneys work it out.

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#2232850 - 03/23/12 04:50 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: angel61]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Angel,

I have been looking all over the community for anyone who has been through the Retrouvaille program. I just saw it in your signature. What did you think? I want to try it some day with my H if he ever comes around.

My H walked in January and in an intense EA/PA. I have been DBing for a little less than a month now. I stumbled across Retrouvaille on the Internet and then the priest who married us mentioned it to me the same day.

PrincessP
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2232922 - 03/23/12 10:45 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: cdavis]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I received a text from H today outlining what he's willing to agree to so we can save time and money. It's so much more complicated then he thinks. He also referred to my attorney as "our" attorney. Yesterday I asked him to leave me alone and I meant it and now this. I'm starting to feel bullied. I'm not the one who left and wants a divorce. He left me with two angry kids to raise, a house to sell and I've had to quickly get a job after 15 years as a SAHM. He just has no idea how he's hurt us and the incredible burden he's placed on me. I'm tired of being hurt and angry and have really done my best lately to move forward and focus on me and boys. Today I just feel defeated. I called H re his text and said that he needs to hire his own attorney. I'm not the one who wants the divorce so I'm not filing and, in general, I just have too much to take care of right now. I also let him know that we are coming at this differently. I need to protect my financial future and that of the boys and he's looking for a quick fix. I was calm and told him that I won't stand in his way, but I'm just done with all of this back and forth. I probably came across as negative, but I just couldn't muster up any illusions of being chipper and content with my life. So H was frustrated when we hung up, but what does he expect? While he's able to compartmentalized his feelings, I'm not. I'm living and breathing this horrific situation that he pushed me into.

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#2232927 - 03/23/12 11:27 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 876
Loc: West Coast
Golf Mom,

The first thing I would strongly advise, if you can, get your very own attorney! There are attorneys out there that will do sliding scale fees' or take payments. If it weren't for my attorney I never would've been heard, never gotten spousal support, and NEVER would've gotten cooperation from my stbx.

My stbx did the same thing, wanted a quick divorce. At first I wasn't going to contest, thinking he had no extra money to pay me spousal support,I couldn't afford an attorney,and there was no reason for me to fight him on custody of the kids. Then things started coming out of the closet in regards to stbx.He had plenty of money to give me spousal support.I knew I needed an attorney but didn't have the money And by the Grace of God I got a very unexpected dividend check from my deceased mother as her only heir! Mother was helping me from above! I know she still looks out for me all the time! I was able to retain an attorney with this money. He took the case for a much smaller fee and did alot of pro bono stuff for me. I can make payments too.

This is the hardest part, knowing you must stay strong and think of the financial future of you and the kids, yet still have your heart break at the same time. But don't give up, just keep going foward. At times you will want to buckle under the pressure and throw your hands in the air. Once again, don't give up. Don't let him buffalo you or bully you. I felt very bullied by stbx, cause when I hired an attorney and he found out I was standing my own ground, Oh boy he was infuriated. Don't let that stop you.

I also found out that OW and his flipping cousin that used to be a legal secretary were pumping him up not to pay me child support before a court order was made, and filling his head with all this other crap. They thought I didn't have an attorney and were hoping I would get the shaft and he'd save all this money, of course OW wanting it to be spent on her so she can continue to be a kept woman. He tried getting out of child support in the middle of December. I called my attorney. I got nasty emails from STBX, but I did get my money and have promptly ever since. You husband may try to bully you, because he's acting like a selfish child right now. What do we do when our children have tantrums and act out? Keep our boundaries and stay firm.

Remember there are TWO in this marriage and you both do have rights, ESPECIALLY YOU! HE LEFT, AND HE MUST DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS. PERIOD.

Ok....Im on my soap box now...oh your sitch seems so similar! I was a SAHM till 3 years ago. I had to go back to work because stbx lost his job. Yes you are living and breathing this horrible situation that you were thrust into without any consent from you what so ever. I am so sorry because this is how I've felt so many times, especially after he first left. One thing I did learn though, during the worst part of this was..... I can do this on my own. I can. Im not saying it's easy, because it will be the hardest thing you do for a while, but you will be able to make it.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2232954 - 03/24/12 02:25 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thank you, kimmerz. I really appreciate all of your insight since you're farther along in the process. I am definitely hiring my own attorney. I met with a women yesterday who I really liked. She advised me to sit back and let him file and then we'll respond. I'm in the process of looking for a full time job and that will be huge in how this plays out in terms of the house. The longer this takes the better for me. In the meantime, I've told H that I expect him to pay my legal fees as I will not go into this unrepresented. He wanted this so he can pay.

At the beginning of this week I was still hoping to reconcile, but after all of this I don't know what I want. I just need the weekend to refocus on me and the boys. I will just never understand how someone can treat their long time spouse this way. I just keep telling myself that just because he left doesn't mean I was worth leaving. At first, I felt so bad and believed that everything he told me about myself was the reason for our ruin marriage. It took awhile, but I truly know that this all about him. I was a faithful, loyal and supportive wife for almost 19 years. He was lucky to have me.

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#2233182 - 03/25/12 05:54 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3106
Hey Golf Mom, can I make a suggestion? Copy what you wrote above and keep it handy. You'll want to go back to that at some point and I highly recommend you do.

This is his trip. You weren't invited and were likely pushed away from it.

Remember what you wrote above and focus on that. This is about him. It'll help you with your sanity along the way smile

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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#2233190 - 03/25/12 07:21 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: AJM]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thanks for the suggestion, AJM. I will do just that. I am working really hard on detaching and the more I do the better perspective I have on this ridiculous situation. I don't seem to feel as hurt and angry as I did. Now I'm just really annoyed and still a little traumatized. I notice that things that used to get my heart thumping don't anymore, but if I see that H sent me a text I feel an anxiety attack coming on. I know detachment will help with this. Does anyone else react this way?

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#2233191 - 03/25/12 07:24 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: AJM]
gunny Offline
Member

Registered: 08/22/11
Posts: 683
Loc: new jersey
hello golfmom,
Reading your sitch. It seems to me that things are moving incredibly fast here. What is the rush? This is a life changing situation. Is your s open at all to any kind of counseling to ensure that this is what he really wants?

Just my 2 cents, I am sorry you are going through this>
_________________________
m 54
XW 48
m 12
t 14
bomb 6-11
s 10-11
wife moved to other state 10-21-11
d 9-12

O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!

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