my recall was more about your reaction at the time. And I think I asked you if she wasn't entitled to half of the things anyhow but you did not mention (then, or at least I don't recall it) that you had a lot of previously acquired stuff.
Do you get what I'm saying about "courting"? I think I used the wrong word. I mean that old equation- consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
Just do what you had been doing that worked (& having expectations did NOT work) and don't do what doesn't help.
Don't revert or appear to, IF the papers are finalized or all this work will look tactical and will confirm her fears.
Again, in the long run, you have a son together you both treasure, SHE Would love another child...and you have an edge there too....
so if you keep the changes permanent, and those other things remain in your favor...stay the course.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Again, in the long run, you have a son together you both treasure, SHE Would love another child...and you have an edge there too....
so if you keep the changes permanent, and those other things remain in your favor...stay the course.
Thank you, 25 and others. Slowly but surely trying to get to a place where I am OK with whatever the outcome is.
Regarding what you said above ^^^^ - why is it that I don't feel too much like the two of us having a son that we adore and BOTH of us wanting another child really helps me much? I guess I say that because I haven't seen how it has helped that much at all thus far. Maybe it will it time, but I am always reminded that I am not the sole course to baby #2 for her. IDK, maybe I am being excessively negative here - but I still look at the fact that despite the fact we have a child together, despite the fact that we have been getting along well, despite the fact that I think she is at least SOMEWHAT aware of the changes I am working on - she still would elect to spend time away from our S than trust me again. Time may help that - and that it yet to be seen.
25, you Sandi and others have been very right about a lot if things that I was totally in the dark about. I can only hope that your more objective lenses paired with your experiences seeing schlubs like me come and go on this board offset the occasional hopelessness I feel.
.... despite the fact we have a child together, despite the fact that we have been getting along well, despite the fact that I think she is at least SOMEWHAT aware of the changes I am working on - she still would elect to spend time away from our S than trust me again.
That should tell you how much despair and pain she was in for years and years.
Instead of focusing on yourself, look at it from her side.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
why is it that I don't feel too much like the two of us having a son that we adore and BOTH of us wanting another child really helps me much? I guess I say that because I haven't seen how it has helped that much at all thus far.
Just because it's a draw to you, a reason to come back. She didn't want this either, doesn't want to share custody time, and she probably doesn't prefer her S to have a "half" sibling.
You are terribly right, Harrier. It really does put into grim perspective the depth of what she must have been feeling - and on some level continues to feel. I can't think of too many things that are worse that being away from my son for 5 days at a time - it really tells me how much she must fear reverting back to a crappy relationship with me.
The irony that all of the hurt that I was inflicting was done while I thought I was being a good husband is not wasted on me at all. Live and learn.
I hear here that time is what it takes....and time is what I have.
I think there is also an element of the WAS punishing themselves. I think in some ways they feels so guilty that they are self inflicting more pain to themselves as a punishment for the sin they are committing. There is no way your W isnt in pain when she is separated from your little boy for a few days at a time... impossible.
How do we show them that it doesnt have to be this way??
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
"why is it that I don't feel too much like the two of us having a son that we adore and BOTH of us wanting another child really helps me much? I guess I say that because I haven't seen how it has helped that much at all thus far."
You Don't see how it has helped you thus far AT ALL? Seriously?
The fact that she's inviting you places, spends time with you, is talking with you and is even considering a relationship with you that might lead to a reconciliation,
the fact that there is ANY hope after so much damage over such a long period of time...are some of the reasons I see it.
THAT cannot be lost on you.
If it is, then I"d work a lot harder on using a better, clearer and more positive lense with which to view the world/life.
Honestly, Crimson, you seem like an honorable man but I have to know
-- are you like this with THEM? Are you mawkish and morose, just seeing the glass is half empty, b/c it's not filled to the brim?
B/C Crimson Buddy, I have to tell you that is a big DRAG to be around...and a lot of self fulfilling prophecies come true that way. So Knock it off. Whatever it takes, start thinking and acting more positively. PRay if that is what it takes or say affirmations or do something to shake up your perspective b/c it sukks.
Work on THAT trait and your life will get a lot better.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think I have a natural tendency to tamp down any enthusiasm to keep from getting crushed through disappointment. Just being honest.
For example - in my mind when I have custody of my son my W asks to do things so she can see HIM - not me. In a manner of speaking, I see myself as the "poison pill" she has to swallow just to see him on the days she doesn't have him. In my HEART I want to think that it because she wants to be around the both of us and enjoy the feeling of being a family. But then I think "well, she could have that any time she wanted and chooses not to, so clearly that's not it". Please do not think I am labeling this as "healthy" or "OK" - I know it's not.
BTW, 2TP. I get what you're saying. And I DO see positive elements swirled into the mix of my situation. I just don't see those individual elements binding together to nudge my w in a direction back to the R just yet. At times I feel like she is evaluating it on one level or another - but always concludes that she is better off where she is. This could change, and I hope that it does.
