Seeking, I can so relate to what you are saying. I had a 20 year marriage and have been divorced now for almost 5. I gave ex everything he wanted, except I would not settle for less financially than I deserved. He is now acting like a child, spewing hate again and lies. You can't make sense out of their behavior. I really feel that my ex though really wants a reaction out of me. The more I don't respond to his antics the madder he gets.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Tonight I'm sitting here with a very heavy heart. Thought I was more detached than this but I guess sometimes no matter how hard you try it can get to you.
You see my stepson is home visiting. I consider him my son as he lived with me from 3 on. I raised him as mine right along with our other children as they came along.
My son has done well and I'm so proud of him. He is a Marine that just returned from deployment in Afghanistan.
To be fair, I've spent a good amount of time with him and my two grandsons. He is staying with one of my other sons and his wife who live just up the road from me.
Tonight, half my children are at a restaurant at a party for my SS hosted by their father and the ow. I'm having a tough time with this one...
Tonight, half my children are at a restaurant at a party for my SS hosted by their father and the ow. I'm having a tough time with this one...
I have no words of wisdom but I know this is a very tough part of all this.
The senseless destruction of our families is hard to fathom. I am sure as much as you miss them you wiil also be missed at this gathering.
And at least you got a chance to spend time with him. This is one of the casualties of MLC. The family, it can never be replaced. The OW is not their mother and never will be.
Seeking I know what you are going thru. It has been over three yrs. since my divorce and xh hates me. I truly believe this. If we run into each other the look on his face is panic. Quickly turns his head like he is terrified of me. My son lives with his dad and new wife and still does not speak to me. I long for the day where the hatred lifts and my son will get to see that his mom and dad dont hate each other and can be civil if needed. Like you, my xh got what he wanted and I left him alone. He got his divorce in less than four mths. I dont understand why all the hate? and i never will. Our son was made to chose because of this and i hate that. Son use to stand at end of driveway and ask me to not be on my porch becuase he was so afraid of his dad. I truly feel your pain. Even after three yrs. its still hard sometimes. You are in my prayers!
So I've sat here and written and re-written three times, trying to find some words of comfort to share. The biotch of it is, I don't believe there is any, or very little. What there is, is that your son includes you in his life and the life of his children. THAT's the only hook to hang your hat on in this one. But then, that is a very important hook, isn't it? Somehow, you just have to be satisfied that during the entire meal, everyone, from H to OW on down were very aware of the 'GHOST' in the room. Or rather, not in the room.
It's just another of those times when you wish things were more like in the movies and you left all your heartaches at the door when you signed the papers. I think that, as a mother, the pain and awkwardness that it causes our family is the deepest pain of all for us.
We just have to keep chugging along. That is what I tell myself everytime when I make the effort to contact my steps and visit with the kids, bring little gifts for the Holidays, etc.
Seeking, you have proven yourself to be a strong and loving individual. Try not to doubt yourself or your contribution to the family you love. They don't.
I just wanted to thank you all for your support and caring. Knowing I could come here and have people understand means so much. Having this place to let it all out when you can't a lot of times in RL because you're looking out and trying to be strong for others that are having an equally hard time with it. This place and you all are a Godsend.
My son and GSs left Friday morning. We were all sad to see them go. Goodbyes are so hard especially when you don't get to see those loved ones very often.
Except for one rough spot (the dinner party) I think we showed S and GSs a grand time. S got some of Mom's requested home cooking and the GSs enjoyed it as well.
Punkin, you were right. I have heard bits and pieces about the dinner party and from what I hear it was awkward for ALL. It also didn't last long.
A curious thing happened with H. On Thurs. morning I went up to get my GSs to take them out toy shopping. We spent quite of bit of time making sure what they got, they really wanted. H shopped beforehand so he had something for them when he first saw them. Anyway, H grilled D13 about what I had gotten the boys and if they liked it and played with it, etc. It seemed to me like he viewed it as a competition between him and I, and was trying to gauge what the boys liked best? Has anyone else experienced this type of thing with their MLCer? It was odd.
BTW, H was there when I picked the GSs up. I have given up greeting him when I see him as I'm not acknowledged. D13 said H sure did a lot of looking at me though. lol
SA - they are very very competitive! But I don't know why.
I had a really funny dream about my xh the other night, which might make you laugh. For some reason we needed to meet, and initially it was hostile [on his side] and then he was just walking about a bit and talking a bit about nothing much. Well where he was living was full of piles of junk which he was picking up and moving around but not really having any effect. Then I asked him what happened to OW1 [formerly the love of his life] and he said 'Well we got into a big fight in a car near L---n and I haven't seen her since' [which I thought was hilarious] Then I said what about OW2 and he said that he had her all lined up ready!! [I have never met OW2 nor have my kids - don't even know if she is still around] Anyway in the dream someone burst in, and this very smart vivacious and really nice woman came in and tried to hug me [OW2 apparently] When I said I found it all difficult, she understood completely. Then she starting ordering my xh around and generally sorting him out, firmly and nicely. I really liked her, and I wasn't jealous, just relieved that I wasn't dealing with him any more, but that someone nice and kind was!!
I think my subconscious is telling me that I have moved on! I was pleased OW2 was nice and cared for xh. What she is really like I don't know, but my goodness, I wish him well!
Bea, Dreams are weird. I think it helps us process what's going on. I've dreamt of Xh almost every night for weeks. My dreams used to be of contantly trying to get him to listen to me, and him walking away, talking non sense, and just never being able to reach him. This was before he even left.
Now my dreams are of peacefulness....we are just together, no fighting,but not talking much, sometimes holding hands, and no conflict, but a feeling of relief, peace and slight akwardness. I have never had this type of dream about him as long as I've known him. What's weird about that, is that I do not feel that way in real life. Perhaps our dreams are what we want in real life. I wish i could feel this way about him in waking life, but I don't. I don't trust him. I don't want to be around him, and I don't want to speak to him, but always end up having to given the kids.
In years past, what I wanted was him to listen to me, talk to me, and stop rejecting me and that's the dreams I always had, were me chasing after that with him.
In real life he appears he's trying to make ammends.But because Im still healing, I don't trust it and I resent it. Though Im a very understanding and forgiving person, I don't understand or forgive betrayal and inflicted emotional trauma by someone instantly. It's best to just leave me ALONE for a year to two, AND maybe I will have moved on from it enough to let it go. The longest he's left me alone was 3 months.
I've contimplated moving out of town in order to get some space from him. He's just too present due to the kids. I know it's for the kids sake, but I really don't appreciate someone that has taken my emotions through the meat grinder, and then literally start acting like nothing is wrong and we're best of friends.
I realize by not stooping to his level of mudslinging and spewing, and just taking this divorce head on with grace and dignity, basically gave him the idea I was fine with everything and he is forgiven and we can be friends.
I think I need to set a few things straight with him.
