An interesting thing that might not be a thing at all but my gut says something's going on, although there's no reason to think it has anything to do with me.
From time to time I check the marina website to see if the boat is still listed for sale. Today I check, and it's not listed anymore. Last time I checked was within the past two weeks, and it was listed.
I know it hasn't sold because I would have to be notified, and it would be indicated on the web site.
Perhaps H has decided to keep the boat and take on the loan himself next year, even though the sep agreement says it's to be sold. Also, he and I have not discussed this. Something's going on.
I've been thinking about our fishing *date* on Sunday. My insecurities are running rampant. Even though he is the one who brought it up several times, I worry that he's doing it out of guilt or obligation. Or that he's going to bring up divorce. Or that he's going to tell me something else horrible.
Then I think about where I would like to go fishing, and figure that he will want to stay near the marina and for only an hour or two.
Then I think about asking him if he would like me to prepare a lunch for us, and fear that he will reject the idea.
All of these self doubts are probably rooted in expectations (or they ARE expectations). I know I need to ditch anything that even remotely represents an expectation.
I know this is a big no-no, but I am wondering where his head is with regard to all this. Is he happy? Nervous? Regretful? Anxious? Excited? Flat? I can't even begin to speculate.
This will be the longest time we've spent together in ten months. We always had a great time fishing together.
Part of me fears he's going to cancel at the last minute.
The other question is, I'm visiting with his daughter today. Often she'll ask me if I've talked to her dad. Do I tell her we're going fishing next weekend? Or do I just say I haven't talked to him since he picked up the boat.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
If he's not selling the boat, he will need to buy you out since you are part owner. He should have advised you of his change in plans. But, do not raise the issue and see if he tells you. You'll know if he's acting guilty when you are him.
Instead of asking him about packing a lunch...why don't you just go ahead and pack some finger foods. I'm sure the time will get away from you while you are out fishing and I don't know about you, but when I'm out on a boat, I get hungry after a while.
Leave the expectations at the door...zero expectations! You are trying to anticipate what is going through his head and you can't do it! He doesn't know what he's going to do from one minute to the next, so can you figure him out...you can't.
GWN, I, personally, wouldn't be sharing my news w/his daughter. It's really none of her business what you do or don't do w/her father at this point in time. If you feel the need to say anything, just tell her that you spoke to him a while ago...that's honest. At this time, you aren't sure if he's going to cancel the fishing trip or not, so I would table that for later. Call me paranoid, but whenever someone asks about whether you've spoken to a particular person, it makes me wonder if she/he is inquiring so that they can run back and tell them what you've said. Be careful! Blood is thicker than water, even if you are friendly terms w/her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I like your suggestion to just pack some finger foods. I'll definitely want a bit of a snack at some point. All that fresh air works up an appetite! I wonder how long it will be before he asks me for bug dope and sunscreen.
I won't bring up the boat disappearing from the web site. It will be interesting to see how that unfolds. Maybe he plans to list it again in the fall or some similar ridiculous option that lets him think he's doing the right thing.
Nor will I share my news with his D. You're right, she has no need to know and would probably stir the pot with her father, most likely to find out what his intentions are. That's not helpful right now.
I think I'm anticipating what's in his head so that I can protect myself from hurt by being prepared for it. Often that is just a self-fulfilling prophecy. His hot (lukewarm, rather?) and cold gets me. Last time I saw him he said "I wish you met me after I worked through all my issues." I've been chewing on that for three weeks.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
GNW, The best thing you can do is enjoy the trip. Treat this trip as one you are going on w/a best friend. Leave mlc and your anxiety at home. You don't know what he may or may not say and why bring trouble to your door and you haven't even gotton on the boat yet? Who knows? It may a very nice trip and one that you'll enjoy...so think POSITIVE!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Soon after she arrived she asked me about my new career plans. I was truly surprised that she knew about this, and when I asked her how she knew she said H told her. Apparently he just offered up the information, "as if nothing has happened". She told him that she already knew because she didn't want him thinking he had the information before she did.
So at the end of our visit she told me he's keeping the boat and asked if I knew this. I told her I didn't (not from him anyway), and that he and I hadn't talked about it. I guess he can unilaterally make this decision if he plans to take on the loan right away, but to assume I'll stay on as cosigner for an indeterminate length of time is a bit of a stretch, since it violates our separation agreement.
Why would H feel the need to pass my news on to his D, like it's his to share, like he's proud of me? Yet at the same time not say a word to me about the boat?
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Trust the information and be sure that no matter the source, use the 48 hour rule.
It's great you had a great visit with your H's daughter. Even though she appears to be sharing HIS information with you, you do not know if he expected her to tell you or if she's expecting you to share back and she'll pass that on to your H.
If he wants to tell you, he will. Until then, you can remain otherwise oblivious to that info, at least in his mind, by not talking to him about it, unless he brings it up.
About your info to his D? Well, any number of reasons, one of which might be to keep up the façade that you and he talk a lot and are getting along and are sharing info with each other...
Or maybe he's just proud that he knows something about you and trying to impress people that he has that knowledge...
GWN, Now you see why I was cautious about sharing info w/your h's daughter. I have a feeling that had you said something about the boat or shared additional informatiion about you and your h, she would have carried the info right back to him. A person that brings info, most likely will carry info back.
I have an additional thought to add to the one's that Kaffe mentioned...maybe your h told his daughter about the boat, hoping that she would break the news to you so that you wouldn't be angry about it and have time to settle down. Sometimes mlcers manipulate others to do their bidding and he may have done that so that she could go back and tell him your reaction.
Now, that you have the information, you need to sit down and think about how you are going to handle this. If it violates the separation agreement, you will need to take action. Do not allow this to slip through the cracks because if you do, he will think it is okay to do whatever he wants w/o discussing it w/you. I would wait until the trip to see if he brings it up. If he doesn't, you will need to pick a time and discuss it w/him.
There are any number of reasons why he's sharing info w/his daughter and we could sit here all day trying to rationalize why he's doing what he's doing. However, that will not resolve the issue of the boat sale for you. GWN, time to think about what you want to do and when.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sometimes mlcers manipulate others to do their bidding and he may have done that so that she could go back and tell him your reaction.
My W has used both third parties AND the kids to get info passed on to me.
Thinking about that briefly, now. Not being detached and therefore still reacting to my W's words or action, can lead her to feel unsafe with me. Unable to tell me things.
My new focus is to get immersed into a connection with my W to practice my detachment and hopefully I can be someone she feels emotionally safe with, again.
KD - the boat information is sort of his, but not entirely because I am cosigner on the loan.
It's good for me that he's taking it on because then I won't have the residual debt upon selling it (as stated in the separation agreement re: shared debt). However I need to know when he plans to get my name off the loan (how is not as important...unless he's getting a partner, in which case I will want compensation).
Snodderly - I don't think he was testing my reaction for a couple of reasons. One, we've discussed this previously, and I support him keeping the boat as it's better for me financially. And two, I have always been reasonable in my engagement with him.
The devil, of course, is in the details, his expectations, and what I am willing to accept/do.
So he HAS to tell me at some point. I will remain oblivious up to a point. I have been patient, kind and generous with him up to now and don't want to be taken advantage of.
My guess is he'll bring it up when we're fishing. I'll go from there, depending on what he says.
KD - I think you're on to something with your theory about H telling his D about my career plans. Gives the impression that everything's tickity boo with us, that I'm happy with the split and we're BFFs. Makes him less the bad guy, too. I just have a hard time reconciling his willingness to talk about me but not talk to me.
Maybe the fantasy he said he might be living in when we first split has changed, and now the fantasy is with me.
Snodderly - I also think you're right about conveyers of information. I'm sure H's D shares our conversations with him. At the very least I'd guess she wants to rub his nose in the fact that she and I have a great relationship (H might be pulling a "me too!" thing).
This time around she could be telling him that I'm turning my *bad luck* into an opportunity, have had enough life decisions imposed on me, have a buyer for my house should I choose to sell, and I'm thinking of leaving the province if not the country.
At any rate, I'll know more very soon.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
