I know Im being a smart A$$, but i can't help it. Gee IT [censored] TO BE HIM RIGHT NOW DOESN'T IT?
You know I was looking over a book called the Goddess Queen or Queen Goddess and how to be one. My Dear Wendy, you really are the Queen Goddess. You have held your head up high, kept moving forward, kept doing positive and productive things, and have treated him kindly, but firmly. You truly are a wonderful role model for all of us!
This will be an interesting show as to how he acts now. I agree with kml, he is in a painful and confusing place. I just hope he can get smart, and work on figuring out how he got there.
My daughter and I came up with a sad but true saying: " The pain helps you learn".
Wendy, I'm not surprised to read about your h's reaction to the shift in rooms/possessions. His world is rocking back and forth and I don't believe the ow has totally booted him to the curb.
You validated his feelings, but now you need to stick to the high road and let him fume and sulk for a while. Don't back down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is easy to let him sulk, because he does it so well. He came home at 1:30 pm and went straight to his man cave and shut the door. I asked was he okay and he said he was napping.
I had planned to sew in the room beside his, but decided to wait til later. My woman cave is coming along. I am sitting in a comfy chair with my feet on an ottoman. There are three different textures and fabrics represented right now. So I will have to find some fabric to make it all match. I can make cushion covers!
I have no doubt OW isn't done with him yet. She probably just wanted to go out on a few dates, and this way she can use the "But we were on a break" excuse. Or she is tired of him not spending any money on her.
I did notice they fight at EVERY holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, Valentines day last year and thia year, Easter. I should be a freakin' marriage counselor!
My big challange today is going to be not being snarky. No snide comments. Just have a nice evening with the kids!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
My big challange today is going to be not being snarky. No snide comments. Just have a nice evening with the kids!
Good plan.
Quote:
I did notice they fight at EVERY holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Day, Valentines day last year and thia year, Easter.
Of course, they're fighting because he's not spending them with her. Good - let her hang herself. You don't want him to end up with her, even if you don't want to keep him yourself.
Funny KML, I have said many times to my sister that I don't care who he marries, EXCEPT he cannot marry her. She is a special class of bimbo, stealing a friends husband. I know he gets plenty of blame, but so does she!
Heck I get plenty of blame, too. But at least I am trying to work on me. I am changing so much, it is funny. The kids are pretty late. I just dyed the eggs without them, the girls are 2 and 4 they won't know the difference.
In the old days I would have been beside myself over it, and been grumpy to all! Now I'm channeling the Meatballs Mantra: "It Just Doesn't Matter! It Just Doesn't Matter! It Just Doesn't Matter!"
My H got up from his nap and watched TV. I was making dinner, cookies and such. He went into "HIS" room and was grumbling, slamming and banging. I went to the door, it is right off the family room, and asked what was the matter.
He was all upset because he couldn't get the power cords all situated to his liking. I went and took a good extension cord out of my travel sewing machine bag and handed it to him. He still wasn't happy. So I fixed it all up for him. He was still grumpy.
I made no comments. He then said he was tired and was going to bed early. He said he slept badly and that from midnight to 8:30 wasn't enough sleep. He always has been one to need more sleep......
Yea! The kids just arrived. I'll get out of my Woman Cave!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
OW was on the phone with H before the day was over......
Good call Snodderly!
OW posted something on her FB about a neighbor calling for help, and she and her adult son did CPR, but the guy didn't make it. Massive heart attack.
I am sure H had to console her over this. I am not checking her page, but my sister is. And being the psychopath that OW is I almost think this was a way to get a rise out of my sister.
My sister's H died 7 months ago of a massive heart attack. My sister found her h in the garage, called for help and she and a neighbor did CPR til help arrived.
My H never spoke one word to my sister. Never. No condolances, no how ya doin?, no nothing. And then he was suprised when she didn't give him a gift for Christmas.....
Or maybe it is just another one of life's strange twists!
The kids cleared out and my H was off to bed by 8:15.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I think you are doing really well. And yes, OW is still playing around. I can't tell you how many times OW and xh broke up, and always got back together again. It appears to be over now, but I am not putting money on it. fortunately he is not in my life at all any more, except for a few stray financial dealings.
One suggestion. You do seem to be after him, asking him what the matter is, how he is etc. I suspect to a MLCer that does not come across as concern, but interference, which he resents. Remember back to your teenage kids? 'Are you OK' can be sooo misinterpreted by them.
Just leave him alone, and do not speak unless he speaks to you, and then reply as briefly as possible. Most of the time they want to pick a fight about something. If you do need to talk, keep it factual, with no emotive overtones/content at all. 'How are you' is not only intrusive to them, but it is asking a question they can't even answer!
You can't fix him, and the best thing for most MLCers is to leave well alone, to the point of ignoring them. This will sound hard to you, I suspect, and somewhat uncaring, but it is part of your disengagement from him. Imho he has a long way to go before he sorts himself out. The OW, remember, is a symptom, not a cause.
Many people go on believing that once OW is out of the picture normality stands a chance of being restored. But this is often not the case . . . If he finishes with her, he will likely still be crazy!
The only thing I can say is that it does get better, much much better. I can now clearly see that my xh is a sad messed up person, and I am so much better off without him in my life. Since I had a long and happy marriage this took a bit of getting used to. The change that MLC can exact is extraordinary. But it took a very long time to reach that total acceptance, and for it not to be a daily struggle.
I agree with Beatrice you are doing very well with all of this.
While it is understandable that you are concerned for your H, please try to remember that this is the result of his choices and he has to learn to live with that.
He is angry and frustrated right now because he is beginning to see the results of what he has done. And it isn't as rosy as he pictured it.
Let him deal with this on his own.
I know it is hard to share a house with an MLCer. Having space of your own is going to be good for you.
My X moved into the spare room. He told me for weeks that he wanted me to clean it so he could move in there and I wouldn't do it. I had offered to move in there myself, and he said no he wanted to. So I left it for him to take care of. A little over a year later, after I had made "our room" into my room, he told me that he couldn't wait for me to move out so he could take that room back since he had only moved into the spare because I wouldn't. Didn't even remember that I had offered. Such is the way of MLC.
Keep enjoying your children and grandchildren and make good memories with them.
And enjoy your Woman Cave.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
He is a mess and will continue to be for a while. I agree with Beatrice in regards to leaving him a lone. He will eventually resent your attempts to "help" him and it will only explode in your face. Let him be with no assistance from you. Mid life crisis is about lessons learned. He needs to learn his. The sooner you detach and move out of his way, the sooner those lessons become a reality.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I have a slightly different take on his struggle with power cords yesterday. I set that room up so nice, there was nothing for him to complain about. Seriously. So he found something.
I had no intention of even talking to him this morning. But he didn't leave for work on time, and I finally came downstairs and I guess he was waiting for me, to talk/spew a bit.
It was funny. He said: "I need to apologise in advance. You are probably going to get a bunch of those anonomyous texts and emails from (OW's Name).
She is done with me and broke things off completely. Funny thing is it was because of you taking the master bedroom. She is mad at me because I'm not man enough to make you move out of that bedroom.
She said I could never be man enough for her if I can't control you. So again, I'm sorry if you get those messages today. Also your predictions of my ending up alone seems to be coming true. You were right."
I said to him I was sorry. I told him OW was stirring stuff up on FB. And for some odd reason, with tears running down my face I grumbled at him for feeling sorry for OW having to do CPR on her neighbor, but never saying one word to my poor sister when her H died and she had to find him in the garage and do CPR on him.
I didn't bring up our relationship issues at all. I didn't try and talk about us. I said goodby, and tried not to laugh at his parting shot as he walked out the door.
He said: "I will probably get fired from my job today for the trifecta of failure."
OH MY! Poor, poor, pitiful him! I am not backing down. I am keeping us separate. I do see how much work he has to do.
I will see the positive things: HE admitted she was behind the anonymous crap. He said more words to me this morning than in awhile. He might be seeing results from his own actions. He seemed concerned about her actions to me.
My current plan: Not speak unless spoken to. Keep on making plans for my future alone. Finish staging house/get it on market. Be out at night more than in.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
