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#2233903 - 03/28/12 01:00 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Happy Birthday 2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1700
"So I went over to see if there was anything I could do and she started hysterically crying. So I just let her fall into me and just let it all out. I eventually asked what was wrong and she said she has to get out of here, move out. In my mind I was thinking and feeling that is the right thing. She's got to do something with her life. I asked if something had happened to bring this on today and she "nothing" and "everything". She said she has "f"'ed up her whole life, and hurt me and the kids beyond repair and can see how far removed from us she has become or we from her"

Wow! A lot of raw emotion wrapped up in this, to be sure. Too bad she doesn't realize that she does have the power to reverse course and work to make things right.

Sometimes I wonder if an intervention of sorts wouldn't help in these kids of sitch's. You know, the entire family comes together to show love and support but also demand that she seek help. I wonder how that would work out.

It just sounds like your W is so lost and is just fumbling around in the fog and darkness. It is a real shame that she can't move in the direction that I think she realizes would be her salvation, which is to reach out and ask for help and then accept it once it is offered.

I guess time will tell if she can get to that place. Try to hang on, if you can.
_________________________
Me49 W52 S16 S12
M21 T24
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2234095 - 03/29/12 02:52 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: 2thepoint]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
2Pac - we have tried the family healing thing, the intervention thing...was not successful. She is the type of person who keeps it all inside and the fact that she even decided to see a psychiatrist was so suprising. He wants to see her every day if he could but she feels she can only handle so much at one time.

So she is going at her pace, which if you think about it, she is unraveling all this trauma from age 8 to now. She's spent over 30 years in a self imposed inner world, and in denial. There's a lot to unravel.

The damage to our family though is staggering. All roads somehow lead to this.

Her family has a history of this...a lot..her Mom...many of nher siblings. Its quite frightening.

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#2234102 - 03/29/12 03:21 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Happy Birthday 2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1700
Yeah, I knew she had been seeing a P but was thinking more acute care might be needed. Kind of like a rehab type environment where she can get round the clock care while she works to heal her wounds.

It is just painful to see someone in such pain and emotional turmoil.
_________________________
Me49 W52 S16 S12
M21 T24
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

Top
#2234118 - 03/29/12 07:37 AM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: 2thepoint]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/11
Posts: 763
rick, how does she cope in other aspects of her life? i know she has strained her relationship w/ the kids and her mom (due to OM).. but what about work? and her other friends? is she functioning there?

just wondering if all these issues are only affecting her home life.

btw.. should say that it's amazing how wonderfully supportive you have been trying to be for her. you're a... superstar =@@=
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2234128 - 03/29/12 12:19 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Rick, how often has your W given that type of confession (for lack of a better word?) That is some pretty honest statements about herself. Of course there is a big difference between acknowledging something and then doing something about it. But just maybe that transition is starting?

From looking at my W, I see the victim mentality so clearly and it sounds like your W is heavily grounded in this mindset. The statement about "beyond repair" seems to indicate that. If she believes it is beyond repair then she doesn't have to do anything about it.

I pray she can see options and that her IC help her. Wish the road were shorter for you my friend. Take care,
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2234191 - 03/29/12 04:08 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: barely floating
rick, how does she cope in other aspects of her life? i know she has strained her relationship w/ the kids and her mom (due to OM).. but what about work? and her other friends? is she functioning there?

Her work - I think she is on the ropes there too. She has always been the top in her profession. I'm seeing it all fall apart, and that's scary on many levels, including the day to day part of keeping the house going. Her friends - she bolted on many of them and disappeared there too. However, she kinds of swings back in and out, and they do their best to help. They're freaked out too. And when they call her on her life choices, it hasn't made it easy for her.

just wondering if all these issues are only affecting her home life.

btw.. should say that it's amazing how wonderfully supportive you have been trying to be for her. you're a... superstar =@@=


Thanks banana!

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#2234195 - 03/29/12 04:21 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: ces67
Rick, how often has your W given that type of confession (for lack of a better word?) That is some pretty honest statements about herself. Of course there is a big difference between acknowledging something and then doing something about it. But just maybe that transition is starting?

She's been pretty open to me for about nine months out of the year. I'm telling you she is so lost, that she is miles from thinking beyond herself, but tortured by the reality of living amongst the wounded. If she can find herself, and get back with her kids I'm happy for her. CES - I have no idea how to handle something like this really, even with all the research I've done. The psychiatrist is working his ass off for her and wants to see her way more. I don't know what to do often. I'm watching someone die before my eyes. I really think if she was on her own, and just started taking one step at a time in a life completely of her own direction, she will get her answers and sense of self.

From looking at my W, I see the victim mentality so clearly and it sounds like your W is heavily grounded in this mindset. The statement about "beyond repair" seems to indicate that. If she believes it is beyond repair then she doesn't have to do anything about it.

It's so hard to really know what's going on. I hear everything and a lot is contradictory. And I'm not going to write off the harmful life choices as if she's some sort of person incapable of making decisions. Choosing to ditch your famile to drive 600 hundred miles to, you know, with soemone else in your family might be crazy in some aspects, but its not someone operating under mind control. Choice.

I pray she can see options and that her IC help her. Wish the road were shorter for you my friend. Take care,


Thanks CES...glad to know you're out there helping out.

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#2234199 - 03/29/12 04:30 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
BB - meant to add ^^^^^^^... she's not some person who is how you would imagine a disturbed person to be like...you know...hunched over in a corner, drooling, making wierd animal sounds.

It's more her emotions and choices run wild. She's quite capable of being social, and I've learned that someone with her dx's are very good at compartmentalzing on the surface so thet they can be very sociable, charming, witty. It's like what's happened to her is that the water table was rising her whole life and its starting to spill out above ground. Mostly its just evident at home. Her decision for a new life was a decision where she could safely have her needs met without there being any of the responsibilities of the world she feels trapped in and scared to death of.

I cant' say she was a prisoner or a victim and write off this kind of damage. Who's to say she is just at a level where a stronger person might have not made the choices that hurt us all.

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#2234253 - 03/29/12 08:44 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: rickb89]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2687
I know I have written to you about her guilt. It is there and it will come to the surface now and again. That is why u say there is enough there applied by her way down in there and that is what causes confusion and running away from you and her children.

This incident is just that. Emotion coming to the surface.

A turning?

IMO no. You are witnessing the inner struggle.

This is where she needs you to just listen. If your up to it. Remember the golden rule - protect yourself and your family first.

She is going to have to find her own way out of this if she ever does choose to do so.

Sorry for typos...on my phone.

Stay strong and remember who you have become Rick

Anything but that
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2234256 - 03/29/12 08:45 PM Re: DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5) [Re: Truegritter]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2687
Scratch that last sentence...damn phone navigation
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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