I just want to be friends...

[breakdownbill]

Journal Entry:

My findings are that all us LBS's need to find a 'friend' as it does fall under the remit of GAL. Boy, that will get your mind off of things so fast AND it will make your S's head spin. With all of our work on ourselves, losing weight, etc., it's bound to happen, so I am surprised no one has mentioned it here in the forum.

Has anyone else acquired a friend lately?

Hey YC

What Labug said about how do you know it would make your H's head spin is right. However, I can see as many benefits as drawbacks to seeing somebody else whilst separated. It all depends on YOU as a person really. If it helps YOU grow as a person and gives YOU confidence and conviction to move on, then go for it. If you want to get back with your H though, it is another obstacle to get over and a balance that you would have to determine for yourself.

Here's a quick list of pro's & con's for seeing someone whilst separated

Pro's

1. You get to experience dating and the early stages of a new relationship again.
2. It's good practice if you & your H get back together again - you'd have fresh experience of how to start a new relationship.
3. You get to have fun now & see if the grass is actually greener.


Con's

1. It might just make your H file now.
2. You may have a bitter & expensive Divorce.
3. You might regret not holding out for your H, if it was a deal breaker for them on a possible future reconciliation.

Something to think about - but only YOU can decide what's best for YOU right now.

Good luck YC & remember that it's always best to sound out the forum with any major changes in your sitch, because sometimes we don't want to hear the other side of the story.

Have a great Easter

Bill

[finding nemo]

YC, I agree with all that Bill has said.

For me, I am no where near ready to introduce another person into our marriage. However, I will freely admit that when I went out with friends for St. Pat's Day, a couple of guys flirted with me and it did boost my self esteem. I didn't flirt back, was kind to both of them, but I still feel married.

I think innocent flirting (with strangers) is fun, harmless, and a definite morale boost. More than that when things are so up in the air seems like playing with fire.

[~ kd ~]

Yankee, I do promise to go back and read through your sitch, but I wanted to offer my own support, regardless of that great stuff I see posted by others.

Do you want to be in an open M?

If so, definitely go and find yourself a FWB...

Please understand that while a WAS might have an OP, if they hiding the OP, then they DO NOT likely feel that it is OK. Otherwise the OP would be in the open.

So if you decide to date, understand that it is quite possible your H will not find that acceptable and there will likely be consequences that will need to be addressed.

[YankeeCandle]

Thanks everyone for your responses and for your advice on the matter.

I'm certainly not on the look out for a new relationship to be perfectly honest. And, I'm certainly not an open relationship type of person. However, I do find that being out with a friend of mine is doing my self-esteem a world of good. It gets my mind off of things, it helps to divert my attention, it helps to clarify my feelings and what exactly I want. Having said that, my feelings have gone underground that I don't feel much at all - rather numb really.


I haven't crossed any physical line just because my heart isn't available right now to anyone - including my H at this point.

But it is really good to hear about others' experiences in this area because outside interests are showing themselves to me. That's a really good point you make KD about keeping the OP hidden.

When I was in my M, I was strict about boundaries around my R so I must say it is nice to just feel free. My H never imposed any boundaries or guideliness like that on me - it was just understood that we were exclusive. Rarely did I even flirt.

I was reading yet another book by Michele Weiner Davis last night and I was wondering if I had it in me to give the energy it needs to get my R on track again. I am not sure I have the motivation for that right now.

Don't worry - I'm not under the illusion that a new R is the answer to my old R, or that the grass is greener. It just isn't - that I know.

I guess I'm trying to revive my emotions a bit somehow.

[YankeeCandle]

It just hit me that my H is now (for some reason this week) texting and emailing me on his own initiative. That was one of my mini-goals here.

I've stopped any type of texting and emailing myself unless it is about practical matters like moving home or the car. Otherwise, nothing is coming from me. He responds quite quickly to those practical matters.

In addition, he is emailing and texting about little things like asking for recipes and sending me links to articles in the newspaper. I respond in appreciation every time though, but again, my heart is just on lock down mode.

I'm afraid of reading too much into it - just in case I get hurt again. Maybe he is sensing I'm losing interest OR it could be that his mother is driving him mad.

My H and I are VERY similar in the way we respond. I'm sure he too feels like his heart is on lock down mode too.

I get this feeling that we are both like prairie dogs who don't want to come out in case it's too cold outside, so we just pop our heads out, check the temperature and then retreat. We are both moon in scorpio/sun in aries.

[2chiquitos]

Yankee! I was thinking of you the other day when I was at the mall and passed by the Yankee Candle shop

I like your outlook. Focus on yourself before you can focus on your relationship! I've been in my sitch for 8mos and it wasn't until last month I started to focus on myself.

How could I have ignored myself?? That's how we don't show love to ourselves!

We are all prairie dogs. Hiding underground, hoping to come out to the light. We've been struck by a HUGE bomb so it's in our nature to take cover and only come out when it's safe.

Also, win win on the interactions with H. Respond to his texts and emails but don't initiate til you're ready.

[YankeeCandle]

Thanks Vero - and yes I do LOVE Yankee Candles

[YankeeCandle]

Ok - just venting here in safety.

So, I get an email from my H, wishing me a Happy Easter, and he and his mom went out for dinner and it was good and blah, blah, blah.

17 years of being with someone and all I get is a lousy email!!

I don't think so. I really don't think so.

I don't know people, I just don't know if I have the patience for this - not today!

[YankeeCandle]

I can't bring myself to respond to him.

[YankeeCandle]

Ok, I cooled down and got around to emailing him a response which was:

Hi H,

Happy Easter to you too. Glad you enjoyed your dinner and your run.

It's cold here too today. Yesterday was marvelous though, and I did some photography. It was really good.

Say hi to everyone there. My parents say hi as well.

Enjoy your trip back.



I'm really not convinced this is working all that much to be honest. He just keeps emailing every day, and that's it. Ok, well, I will see him tomorrow when he drops the car back off. Any advice prior to that would be most welcome. Thanks!