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#2236386 - 04/08/12 11:31 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
YC

Ah thanks for telling me all that. Try not to worry about backsliding too much, you are doing so good with your GAL!!!


Thank you! Yes,, GAL has been easy for me thank goodness smile

Quote:

As much as I love my W and want to save my M, I can only do so much & this still might not be enough to convince my W to give it another go in the future. But you know what, this is OK, because I know I'll find happiness either way. These changes are not for my W, these are for ME and this is my choice and nobody else's.

Bill


Well said! I think I am getting to that realisation too - that it's more for me than anything else. I feel I am giving myself more options with that attitude, and again, I'm ever so grateful for everyone sharing their experiences here.


Thanks!

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#2236482 - 04/09/12 12:46 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: YankeeCandle]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Thanks YC

What the experienced people on this forum have been saying about doing these changes for yourself is the only way to make these changes real. I don't want the old me back either ;-) Me and the W agree on that one at least!!

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2236950 - 04/10/12 09:25 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Journal Entry

I thought I'd update my journal with some deveopments on my sitch.

Well firstly I am feeling really positive with the way things are going between me and my W. The flirting & the ML has been really good and very frequent. We talk so much more now about day to day stuff my W's work & friends and the kids and we get on so much better (laughing & joking).

Tonight my W said something that gave me some hope (don't worry I'm not going to go overboard) that we might not be separating. Her brother is getting married @ the end of July & tonight for the first time she talked about it and said to me, 'We'll need to take a lot of money with us, especially with 4 of us going to the wedding'. Now it might just be keeping up appearances or for the kid's benefit, but making plans to go somewhere as a family together 3 months away? My W brought it up, so it made me think - oh that's positive? Definitely not a bad sign right?

I'm not getting my hopes up too much, but I am encouraged by the way things are going. If my W doesn't want to be with me anymore, she sure has got a funny way of showing it ;-)

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2237729 - 04/13/12 07:47 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hey just a quick question,

My W stopped wearing her engagement & wedding rings about 3 weeks ago. At first this bothered me quite a lot & I got upset, but I don't want to mention it to my W & only want her to wear the rings if she wants to.

This is the right thing to do isn't it not say anything about this as it will be pressure or pursuing?

I still wear my wedding ring, just wanted to check if anyone else has / had experienced this in their sitch & how they dealt with it.

Thanks Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2237753 - 04/13/12 10:04 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
I agree 100%. Don't act as if you noticed anything about the rings.

My H stopped wearing his years ago (lots of people don't wear them, they got in the way when he worked out, etc), but there are lots of others here whose WASs took them off as a sort of statement. Doesn't matter why; the best thing is to not take the bait.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2237759 - 04/13/12 10:13 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: adinva]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hey thanks Adinva

I needed to hear that. I'm glad you agree it's not worth taking the bait on. I believe it is definitely a statement on her part. Maybe it's helping her deal with what she's doing, not wearing them, makes her not feel married and free to do what she wants. Maybe it's that, because she absolutely loves jewellery and these rings are not the original ones, we got broken into before Christmas and my W forgot to put her rings on, so we had to get new ones and the engagement ring she picked was more expensive and she was showing it off to everyone when she got it. So it's not a practical thing, more of a statement.

Thanks Adinva for that, how's the new dog settling in?

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2237777 - 04/13/12 11:07 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
My H took his off 2 years ago and never put it back on. I did originally say something about that when we reconciled for 6 months, but he still wouldn't put it on. I got all kinds of stupid excuses.

From 1 January this year, I took mine off too.

He definitely noticed, and looks at my hand every time I see him.

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#2237781 - 04/13/12 11:33 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: YankeeCandle]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
It's weird that something so little (not wearing a ring) can make such a big statement. I'm not ready to take mine off yet, (I like wearing my wedding ring) I'd like my W to wear hers again, but I'm not going to bring it up, it's a personal choice & right now - she's chosen not to wear them.

I think I'll know when to stop wearing mine.

Thanks

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2238231 - 04/16/12 03:18 PM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Journal Entry

Its been a few days since I posted anything on my thread, so I thought I'd update my journal.

Had a good weekend all in all - my team Liverpool beat Everton to reach the FA cup Final (Soccer). Some of you guys might have heard of our team since that guy John Henry who owns the Boston Red Sox bought it.

I've been getting into the running big time, went out 4 times last week & I feel great for it, started doing some free weights & sit ups as well. So, going great guns with the exercise.

My W, went out on Saturday night on a hen night. I was fine with it, I even dropped her off @ where she was meeting up with her friends & she sent me a few text messages while she was out. I didn't think once, I wonder what she's doing - I was pretty busy doing work on my dissertation 'til about 3am & then after a couple of beers I went to bed. My W woke me up coming in @ 4:50am (pretty early in her book), but I got back to sleep fine.

On Sunday I went the library & did some more study & when I got back the laptop was left on a page showing a spa break deal at a hotel. I said, oh that looks nice, hey good deal!! She said oh yeah, that's where I'm going for my birthday with (insert girl's name here) friend. I never let it show, or said anything but I was a bit peeved at this, because we have a joint account & she just went ahead & booked it (normally when we spend anything big, we talk about it). I don't really care about her plans, that's her business, but I was a bit put out about her not showing the same courtesy we normally show each other. Oh well, I guess this is just a natural progression.

My W initiated sex last night, which was good (it always is), but it's starting to mean less and less to me (emotionally), just a physical need being fulfilled. I think this is due to my detaching, starting to kick in big time.

I'm enjoying UNI a lot more and interacting loads more with my friends on the course. This morning I got picked up by a couple of 21 year old girls to take me there & have been invited to their house party next month :-) I did my presentation today & it went brilliant, I was confident, my jokes were timely & well received & got plenty of smiles of the ladies throughout it. I got some really good feedback, mainly of the girls in my class and from one of my lecturers. I will find out next week how I did.

I went for coffee with my friends afterwards & had a laugh, then on my way out I bumped into a couple of my friends who I hadn't seen in a while, one of them is going to be on my course next year (happy about that).

I feel great at the moment, I'm open to happiness & I feel so much more outgoing & confident. I'm looking forward to the future, whatever happens.

I have realised one thing, for sure on my journey. I don't need someone else to make me happy. I want to keep on enjoying life, my kids & my ME time.

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2238443 - 04/17/12 02:50 AM Re: I didn't see it coming part 2 [Re: breakdownbill]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Hi Bill,

That's great progress you are making there.

It's kind of funny how the tables are turning. At once we were frantic about getting them back, and then as we work on ourselves and get strong, we're like, "Why should I put up with this?" Personally though, I think it's a phase.

It's a phase of indifference to an extent. My H does stupid things like that too. Booking himself here, there and everywhere without so much as a consult. I wonder if they ever snap out of it and realise they are living with another human being?? Basic consideration would be nice, thank you!

I was on the other side of the fence with that scenario too when I separated from my H the first time around. He too began to question why he should put up with my behavior. So, he ends up leaving me and then here we are! This thing could go back and forth for a while, if I let it.

I haven't gotten past this phase just yet (the indifference phase), but I guess I could just see how it goes. What are you planning to do do you think?

I'm in the process of deciding to do what is just right for me and to be sure not to take actions or make decisions based on anger or retaliation. Again, the problem is that it will take a while for them to 'get it'. They haven't been doing much work on themselves this whole time because they have been too busy blaming, arguing, justifying, and allowing themselves to be incredibly distracted. They have catching up to do.

It would be nice to hear from some Vets about what to do when getting back with a S that hasn't done any work, and are still in that whole justifying mode. My fear is that it will take them forever to 'get it' and I will lose my interest.

It's great you had a wonderful day at Uni!!

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