Outside the Scope of This Report 4

[labug]

Wendy sounds like things are moving along. Each step along your path, though painful now, will be worth it.

Are you a Country fan?

How about Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone?

[WenikiTiki]

Hey Labug! I am an on again/off again country fan. So there are a lot of songs I don't know. I'll look for that one.

My steps are funny right now!

Beatrice: I am getting the MLC thing. I am just making him a space separate from mine. I am trying to do this in a loving way. Get the distance and elbow room I need, without being mean to him.

I am trying to protect myself. I can't keep on with the farce of sitting and watching TV with him. I don't want to eat meals with him. He puts me in a postion of me having to tell him to leave. Which seems odd after he has told me so many times that we are done.

So now I will be watching TV in the formal living room. I get that he doesn't give a rats a$$ about anything. If he cared at all then he wouldn't have done the hundreds of mean, thoughless things he has done in the past 18 months.

The way it was before each morning I was in the place where he needed to be to get ready for work. I tend to wake up earlier than him. So this way I can get up when I normally do, get my tea, and then go back upstairs to my room and completely not see him. I felt like a puppy dog just watching him get ready for work.

I don't think he will have an awakening. Each of the 7 times he has "come back" to me it seems to get easier for him to switch back. I do one thing he doesn't like, and BAM, back to her.

He doesn't have any conflict resolution skills, he doesn't know how to even have a discussion. He really is emotionally and socailly very stunted. I always thought he would grow up and become more like his father. He really never did grow since the day we married.

I remember when we were dating teaching him how to have a conversation. I told him it is like a came of catch. You catch the ball then throw it back. With him it is a game of throw.

And when we are in a group of people having a talk, even if he has something to say, it always is that he rarely gets any words out. He has a look on his face, he wants to say something, but he doesn't know how to enter the conversation.

So he is in love with OW. And doesn't even know how to have a conversation. I give up. Yes, we can do a lot of stuff non-verbally. But to ever get our relationship fixed, at some point some words would have to transpire.

And if EVERYTIME we do talk he views it as an evil horrible thing, then we will never fix this.

So I am not putting myself through that wringer again. He doesn't know what he wants. He wants both me and her. And her T.T. Fairy Dust is some strong stuff. So, I might sound like I have hope, but I really don't.

[beatrice]

I don't think it is that they don't care, but they can't care. The effect is the same, but it is less personal.

It is hard, and a lot of it only drops into place over time. I can now see how damaged my h is, and how good my life is. Doesn't mean that after all this time I don't still sometimes miss him, but the intense pain is gone. I think it still feels very personal to you - and it did to me for a long time. When that feeling goes it really helps everything to drop into perspective. He won't be happier or healthier, but he won't see it that way for a long long time. To him it is just a few moments in fairyland, but the outside world moves on at its own pace, and when and if they do wake, well it is like Rip Van Winkle. All they have known has moved on without them, and they are superfluous in the world they once cherished. No winners in the MLC game, sadly. But we turn turn our loss into real gain.

There is nothing wrong with having hope. For most people MLC takes a long long time. A good friend of mine's xh is starting to see he has problems, and getting therapy, and talking to her properly for the first time in six years.

[~ kd ~]

I don't think it is that they don't care, but they can't care. The effect is the same, but it is less personal.

yes... back to that discussion on their apparent lack of empathy... it's just gone... for some reason and who knows when it will ever return...

[amylplee]

Ive been following this website for months and ive never posted anything. Ive been getting a life acting happy leaving him alone since summer, he still moved out in feb. Have no idea what happened i know hes in a midlife crisis, he just says he cant be close to me, we get along, discuss nothing but son and animals. The only thing i can think i could of done wrong is not expect enough and gave him too much space idk. I think it would hurt less if he did just hate me. Im 41 hes 46. I have no idea where this message is gona end up if any where, sorry ahead if it turns up in an inappropriate spot. Im just at my wits end nothing changes just feel like just waiting til hes ready to take the next step in the wrong direction. Ive been pretty confident have kept my sense of humor, today i feel like im losing my grip.

[WenikiTiki]

I am trying not to take it personal. And I find it very hard to watch him being so darn strange.

But somehow this week I feel like I have moved on. I actually feel like I have closed a door behind me. I am sleeping great back in the master bedroom. I quit taking Ambien 10 days ago. I haven't taken the anti-anxiety stuff they gave me during the day, and plan to start taking 1/2 of one for the next few nights.

I am waking up feeling like I used to, with the "Hey I's Morning!". I still have a bit of a hurt in my chest. But it isn't as bad as it was. The bad parts seem to go away faster. I try to make myself laugh.

I realize I have all I will ever need to make myself happy. Kids, grandkids, sewing machines, friends, and more ideas in my head for quilts I want to make than I will ever have time to create.

So I will head to Northern California (Where the girls are warmer....) and find my place in this world. Meanwhile I will enjoy being here in Hawaii and the time with my friends and family.

So if he can't care, then I shouldn't let it bother me. Got it!

Happy Easter All!

[kml]

Let go or be dragged. I think you have within you all the abilities for a bright future, and your H will either follow after you - or not. You'll be good either way.

[BeingMe]

"But to ever get our relationship fixed, at some point some words would have to transpire."

This is just like my H. Which is why our R isn't fixed either. And, won't ever be, unless there's is some cosmic miracle.

Keep on moving forward, Wendy, one day at a time.

[WenikiTiki]

Today is my friends double mastectomy and repair. I am headed out to do some errands, then over to sit with her family. She asked me to not leave her husband sitting alone too long.

I spent last night tidying up all the loose bits from the big room switcheroo. The master bathroom looks like a heath and beauty disaster. I need to get back into "Discard" mood mode. And there is no sense in trying to do it in the wrong mood.

My bedroom looks beautiful, like a magazine. The formal living and dining room also look magazine pretty. Tomorrow I will do yard work and mop. So H will come home to everything all pretty. And his new bedroom, and me away at a movie.

So maybe we can list the house by the 15th. That is my goal. The big quilt show I'm in charge of is the middle of May. So after that I am a free agent with no commitments.

Everyone who feels like it please say a prayer, and or send good thought for my friend today.

Aloha,

Wendy

[job]

Wendy,
I am keeping your friend in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope that her surgery goes well and she will be up and about in no time.

I'm sure your home looks beautiful. You've been on a cleaning spree for a few days and there can't be much left to move and/or pick up.

Please let us know how your friend is doing.