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Well we had the conversation when he got home tonight. He actually asked me if we were going to start MC next week and when I said no he said "why not?"
I explained that I felt that I can't see myself getting over the trust issue (he has not shown any remorse or work of any kind so not sure how I could)
He said "well isn't that what marriage counseling is for, we can't just throw away 20 years without MC." and I said well I think the straw that "threw away" 20 years was the EA that I discovered, especially with our past history.
He said "they were just a few stupid emails"
At this point I got quiet and listened, nodding and saying "i understand you feel that way"
We discussed financial and I assured him that I would work with him and knew that we both have the boys interest at heart. He said "i will never mess with you financially and I think you can agree that I didn't the last time we went through this"
I agreed with him (but I will still have everything go through my L to ensure my safety and the boys)
He said so what are you saying, and I responded "this marriage is very unhealthy and I don't feel that it should continue. I will be filing for divorce soon"
He brought up abandonment as the reason he can't move out now, and I told him I would put it in writing that I won't hold that against him. He said "i need to think" and went out to cut the lawn.
I feel good, and still strong. I feel a sense of relief which I think is good.
The boys went out with their friends and he just came to tell me he was "going out". I said "ok" with no additional questions.
I will go to visit with a friend for a bit just for a change of scenery.
Prepare yourself for one of two things when he gets home (maybe both). He will either be angry/nasty from the outset, or he will try to sweet talk you into ML, and if you refuse him it could get nasty.
I could be wrong, but please BE PREPARED.
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD5 GD 6m BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07 Filed 4 D 7/07 Piecing 07-10 At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Kaffe, it's ok I understand why that would be confusing. He had multiple affairs and since finding out about this most recent one, he has had no remorse and simply said "it was just a few stupid emails" Now mind you the emails were explicitly offering sex to OW so not as minor as he would like them to be. With no remorse and wanting to blame me, I don't see the point in MC and have no interest in attending. He can talk to his IC and if was truly remorseful later I may rethink MC for a "new marriage"
Starsky, thank you. I agree with you and prepared for that. I just got a text that he is staying at a friends tonight so I am good for now. I will be leaving for my dad's in the morning so there is a reprieve for now.
I have to add one clarification. I have been asking for MC for a year and it was only after asking for a divorce that he asked for MC. He has been refusing for a year and as of monday texted he had a "miserable life". It just felt like a tactic and not real.
But I will be perfectly honest here and say that I am reading the posts of a walk away spouse, right now...
too little, too late... i deserve better... i love him, but I'm not IN love with him... actually, i don't know that I even love him... he never paid attention... he's just using a tactic, playing some game, to win me back... we'll be right back where we were...
I would not suggest you go to MC WITH him... if he wants to go... if he wants to fix the M... then let him do the work, in the same way that you were planning to let him do the work to get D...
Why are you deciding that YOU want to do the work for the D... HE is the one that left YOU... let HIM do the work, one way or the other...