It really is that simple isn't it? I was afraid of that - hehe.
Ok, women are more complicated than that. We have all kinds of things going on - and a lot of it is because of intuition. We are "plugged in" - well that's what I call it - and we sense people and our surroundings all the time.
But, for men I would say the best way to keep a woman happy is by:
1/ protecting the relationship at all costs - so, when parents, friends, outside threats - threaten the relationship in any manner, stand up for it - in the nicest and most gentlemanly manner. It's like what you already did for your W when you set the record straight with your sister the other day. More of that will just - oh, it is just magical for a woman. You also demonstrate your inner strength, which is highly attractive.
2/ Observe her and you may once in a while anticipate what she might be feeling if she has had a hard day. Doing something extra nice and special (flowers, bringing her a cup of tea, giving her a warm hug), will help her feel supported and cared for. This will take you VERY far.
3/ Men need to work I'm afraid, or we could very easily lose respect.
4/ Talking - just talking even if it is about a whole lot of nothing is a bonding thing for women.
Now - women are getting wise to the fact that men have a hard time talking as much as we do (I have surveyed many of my female friends on this). So, there does seem to be a general consensus that we are happy to get as much 'talk' as possible, but not more. So I think women in general are starting to change their expectations in this department. For that reason, when you guys talk now - we give bonus points because we now know it takes more effort for you than it does for us.
So, when we ask how your day was, or your night out was - gives us a little more than just, "It was good." It's not because we are trying to control you!!! It is because we want to bond. On top of that, "It was good" after being out for 8 hours, feels like a slap in the face - or stonewalling. Give us a story at least. We'll be happy with one story.
We hope (at least this is how we see it) to make you into the best man on the planet - lots of pride, self-esteem and confidence because that will make you want to give back to us even more. (I am in the process of possibly revising this perspective for myself though, so it's not set in stone.) Unfortunately, some men think that when they do reach their best selves (ie, successful, money, good job, etc.) they are then too good for us, and then go off to find someone else after we have done all the hard work, and that is bitter!
We complain about you and to you about you - NAG some people call it - not because you are inadequate, but because really truly we are the ones who feel like failures. We are also letting off a lot of steam. E.g. Why does he continue to drink? I've asked him to stop drinking and he keeps on doing it. He doesn't listen to me, what am I doing wrong - why can't I get him to stop. In other words: I'm a failure.
When men change their behaviour to move more in our direction, we feel incredible victory that something we are doing is right, and that we have succeeded.
This is why MEN - find a good woman whose values you admire, and you will be a much admired man!
Women feel - do correct me if I am wrong ladies - but at least I feel like my job is the wellbeing of the relationship. So, these little gestures will help us feel supported and cared for and appreciated while we are looking after the 'bigger' picture.
Different women have different ways of achieving that, and some are far more successful than others. I have since learned that complaining got me - well initially it got me a little far, but ultimately it got me nowhere. My intentions were good though (am I right ladies, or am I right! haha!)
I'm learning different ways now - so I thank all the amazing behavioural therapists and DB and this forum for proving such crucial insight!
It really is that simple isn't it? I was afraid of that - hehe.
Ok, women are more complicated than that. We have all kinds of things going on - and a lot of it is because of intuition. We are "plugged in" - well that's what I call it - and we sense people and our surroundings all the time.
But, for men I would say the best way to keep a woman happy is by:
1/ protecting the relationship at all costs - so, when parents, friends, outside threats - threaten the relationship in any manner, stand up for it - in the nicest and most gentlemanly manner. It's like what you already did for your W when you set the record straight with your sister the other day.Thank you YC for the compliment More of that will just - oh, it is just magical for a woman. You also demonstrate your inner strength, which is highly attractive.
2/ Observe her and you may once in a while anticipate what she might be feeling if she has had a hard day. Doing something extra nice and special (flowers, bringing her a cup of tea, giving her a warm hug), will help her feel supported and cared for. This will take you VERY far. - Today I felt like a 50's housewife with the kids - me & my little girl made a victoria sponge cake with butter cream & I ran a candle lit bath for my W for when she got in from work. I did the bath to be nice, I'm not expecting anything but a thanks in return, but it makes me feel good.
3/ Men need to work I'm afraid, or we could very easily lose respect. Yeah, that's something I'll be addressing next month :-(
4/ Talking - just talking even if it is about a whole lot of nothing is a bonding thing for women. - Getting much better at this, in fact I'm better at this than my W ever was. I don't go in all guns blazing & demand a big conversation, I just give my W a hey - wanna cuppa? & let her come & have a chat with me if she wants to share anything & I listen & even reference back to other stuff she's been talking about days & sometimes even weeks ago (it's so much easier when we listen LOL)
Now - women are getting wise to the fact that men have a hard time talking as much as we do (I have surveyed many of my female friends on this). So, there does seem to be a general consensus that we are happy to get as much 'talk' as possible, but not more. So I think women in general are starting to change their expectations in this department. For that reason, when you guys talk now - we give bonus points because we now know it takes more effort for you than it does for us.
So, when we ask how your day was, or your night out was - gives us a little more than just, "It was good." It's not because we are trying to control you!!! It is because we want to bond. On top of that, "It was good" after being out for 8 hours, feels like a slap in the face - or stonewalling. Give us a story at least. We'll be happy with one story.
We hope (at least this is how we see it) to make you into the best man on the planet - lots of pride, self-esteem and confidence because that will make you want to give back to us even more. (I am in the process of possibly revising this perspective for myself though, so it's not set in stone.) Unfortunately, some men think that when they do reach their best selves (ie, successful, money, good job, etc.) they are then too good for us, and then go off to find someone else after we have done all the hard work, and that is bitter!
We complain about you and to you about you - NAG some people call it - not because you are inadequate, but because really truly we are the ones who feel like failures. We are also letting off a lot of steam. E.g. Why does he continue to drink? I've asked him to stop drinking and he keeps on doing it. He doesn't listen to me, what am I doing wrong - why can't I get him to stop. In other words: I'm a failure. - This makes sense, but does just feel like nagging at the time if I'm totally honest & does nothing to motivate you to change. We are much more likely to rise to the occasion if we are compared to someone we know & you pay them a compliment - we hate that & will try to rise to the occassion.
When men change their behaviour to move more in our direction, we feel incredible victory that something we are doing is right, and that we have succeeded.
This is why MEN - find a good woman whose values you admire, and you will be a much admired man!
Women feel - do correct me if I am wrong ladies - but at least I feel like my job is the wellbeing of the relationship. So, these little gestures will help us feel supported and cared for and appreciated while we are looking after the 'bigger' picture.
Different women have different ways of achieving that, and some are far more successful than others. I have since learned that complaining got me - well initially it got me a little far, but ultimately it got me nowhere. My intentions were good though (am I right ladies, or am I right! haha!)
I'm learning different ways now - so I thank all the amazing behavioural therapists and DB and this forum for proving such crucial insight!
You are going to make someone a happy man with these changes YC - Keep it up
Thanks for this sharing of how the opposite sex thinks & feels - I think if we did more of this in general we'd all be so much happier & less confused in our relationships in general.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Oh and by the way, my cake was awesome! My W said that my sponge was light fluffy and moist, even better than hers. 1st attempt as well - high praise indeed my W's cakes are yummy :-)
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Oh and by the way, my cake was awesome! My W said that my sponge was light fluffy and moist, even better than hers. 1st attempt as well - high praise indeed my W's cakes are yummy :-)
Busy last couple of days. I got the property sorted out and I am moving at the end of this month!! Soooo happy about that.
My H went to see his mother this Easter weekend, and he has my car. He's been texting a lot while he's been over there. Clearly, the EA is not around.
I did go over to his place last night (he wasn't there) to look for clues or evidence. There is absolutely NOTHING!!! Not a single trace of anything. I left totally empty-handed. He does have an ipad so it's all got to be on there. All my stuff is still in its place though, and my picture is still standing. Nothing has changed or moved. Who ever it is, must not be coming over at all.
So, I just keep DB'ing. No problem on my end. My findings are that all us LBS's need to find a 'friend' as it does fall under the remit of GAL. Boy, that will get your mind off of things so fast AND it will make your S's head spin. With all of our work on ourselves, losing weight, etc., it's bound to happen, so I am surprised no one has mentioned it here in the forum.
Yankee what kind of friend? Believe me when I tell u that u will meet many on this journey. Hope not the romantic kind, not yet. If snooping is hurting why do it? Live your life. Go fishing dancing walk do stuff ok
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
as it does fall under the remit of GAL. Boy, that will get your mind off of things so fast AND it will make your S's head spin. With all of our work on ourselves, losing weight, etc., it's bound to happen, so I am surprised no one has mentioned it here in the forum.
