When you are truly in "Piecing" it's not snooping. He should voluntarily let you see his phone records, daily planner, etc. whenever you ask for it and do whatever it takes to help to heal YOU.
If he gets defensive about it, you aren't in Piecing because he's still thinking about himself. He has to say "What can I do to make things right between us."
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Good to know. I guess every once in a while I pick up his phone and just browse through it. I don't do it right in front of him usually but good to know it is not snooping. Those DB rules are hard to lose. Mr.Bond - what were your thoughts on the sarcasm?
Thank you everyone for the response. After a day or two things don't seem so big. Thank goodness. We did sit down and I told H how that makes me feel when he talks like that. He said he didn't intend for that. I told him it does though-he said "Then it stops now". We shall see. I have not brought it up again and will not. One of my changes.
HELP! PLease!! I need some support, advice or encouragement. I feel I have no one else to ask. Things have been going quite well here at our house. Everyday I still decide I have to forgive. IT is coming easier to me. Anyway, I went out to lunch with a gfriend the other day. SHe proceeded to tell me things about my H before he came home and how it all went down. Of course, much of it did not line up with what H told me and how it came about that he decided to come home. Also, some of the info she gave me hurt obviously but also gave some kind of window into their relationship that he didn't portray to me. This is hard. In my mind I am sure I have tried to make sense out of their R (OW)and believing some things are just my way of coping with it. Well, I asked H about what she told me. He heard me out and denied it all. Said his truth has not changed. If I push at all he gets very mad at me. Please remember this is all Before he came home. But, yet I feel like -did he lie from the minute he walked back into our door?? He said how is relevant to now anyway. He thinks it shouldn't matter. I don't like his anger. It doesn't seem justified in my mind. I am not worried about him seeing OW. But, man, did this open some old wounds. Ouch. HElp please. I need help sorting this out. There is a voice in my head saying - would it have been easier to have gotten D? That is not what I want but I don't feel very loved right now.
Just like there was only two people who had any real, valid opinion or contribution during the break down of the M...
There are only two people who have any real, valid opinion or contribution to the R...
While the info that you got from this friend may give you some insight... THEY do not know what your H was feeling, they were only hearing what ever words he chose to allow out of his mouth and any actions that he may have done...
Remember the "believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do" mantra?
Your friend has no idea the truth of that... so what your friend is doing is only one, possibly very tiny aspect of what was going on for your H...
Understand that when an accident happens there are a million viewpoints and those aren't just from the witnesses who were actually AT the scene...
It is quite possible that your H wants damage control and does not want you to be hurt by anything in the past... and the past has no bearing on what he wants now...
As much as you will get intel from others...
The only two people who are important here are the two of you and the only important time here is the present...
Thank you!! For calming me down. It is soo hard for me not to let my imagination go wild. Or, doubt his intentions when he has lied to me in the past. His anger upset me.. Still does.
Yes, the past is the past but sometimes I feel if I understood it I would prevent from happening again.
The info could likely be helpful... as you say, it can help YOU know when things appear to be going south... that you can do something for yourself, to prevent you from getting back into your patterns...
Just checking in. Not sure if anyone reads this but I will just in case. THings are going well. We talk a lot about how we are trying to do things differently this time. How we communicate our feelings, etc. This does really make me feel closer.
I have to say I think I really got it last week when I truly realized I only control myself. Very freeing but also holds me even more accountable for myself. I guess I am a slow learner.
H has made several comment the last few weeks about how happy he is to be here. How it took him so long to realize what a great life he had/has. Those are good to hear.
I also want to encourage others with this. We were talking a little about when he left and was gone. I asked if he believed it was my fault. Is that how he got himself to leave us? Yes, he said. But, he said that lie went away after the first month when I realized I still wasn't happy.!! That my friends was golden to hear. This journey is certainly not easy but it is worth it!
I have only read a few of your posts here, but I am glad to see you are feeling better.
My H and I are in piecing now and I have come to terms that if I really want this to work, I have let go of the past completely. I know it's hard and I do it one day at a time.
My H still believes it's my fault. But if that is how he wants to justify his behavior, then so be it. But deep down in my heart, I know it was not completely my fault.
Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. Always use "I" statements. That helps.
Thank you for input. It is hard!! Just when I think I have a handle on it - it is like a wave hits me! I am not back to square one but still hurts. 25yearsMLC- wish you would stop by and see our progress. You were such a great help. Still are. Just want you to see I did learn something & always am!
Hey everyone! Still hoping 25YEARSMLC will stop by! ALways enjoy hearing from her and the others who helped me so much. So thankful to have H home for F's Day this year! Hard to believe last yr at this time he was with OW and stood his kids up for supper on this day! God has blessed us so much. I will not take this for granted. We are still attending the bible study and addiction group together. I continue to GAL. Also, choose to forgive daily. Wow- that is a tough one. All I can say is to others is not lose hope. Not sure how much longer I will post as I don't know if anyone reads this. Hope everyone has a great day.
