As wrong and as unfair as it was, I think I got angry at him! Why did he have to be so nice and sweet to me? It's making me feel like crap!!!!"
so gabby - not to intrude in this thread - but it intrigued me what you wrote.
i am being nice and sweet to h, no matter what - in a sort of casual, off-hand way and sometimes i notice him looking a bit pained. do you think i am actually prolonging this, because i am continually making him feel like crap?
it is a total 180 for me - i always got irritated and pissed off about things i thought he was doing wrong, and my 180 in my switch has been to show him that no matter how hard things are, i will not use anger or coldness or withdraw, but face it full on.
when i did withdraw earlier in the switch, it seemed that it pained him more obviously, but frankly now i'm just all out confused
would love to hear your take on it - do all of you remain friendly and nice with your WAS's
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Not to hijack, but this is a real issue for me - and for Crimson, I'd imagine, too.
In the meantime, a bit of feedback to Crimson, FWIW from me, on responses to his W's emails:
"W texted me again this morning saying that S was in a really good mood this morning. Now knowing if I should say nothing or be polite I said "I'm sure that it's because he's with his mommy" - which I honestly DO believe. She said it was because he slept well and I joked and asked if she'd been slipping him some of her Lunesta. She sent back a chuckle. I figured I needed to pinch the convo off so I said "Have a good day, w". She responded "You, too. Keep your head up!". I didn't respond. Was THAT too much?"
My immediate reaction was to think that it was too much.
"Because he's with his mommy" sounds way too pursuing, to my mind.
Something like "Great" would have been better, I feel.
I'd have left out the joke about Lunesta, too.
I'd also not be initiating the "Have a good day" sign-offs.
Just a validating reply, "Great!" or "Great news!", when she offers that S has slept well, would have been better - in the sense that there's no possibility of her feeling it's smothering.
Even the response to her next email:
"sure, I would hate for you to miss it"
sounded too pursuing to me.
Something like "You'd be most welcome"
sounds more like what one would say to a friend, and that's the level to pitch at IMO at this stage.
So here is where I find conflict in db'ing. In all of my responses and interactions I try to beat upbeat and positive. When I am in my best of moods I joke a lot - my w knows that. If I would have said something short and concise - it just doesn't feel like how I am when I am being happy - and I think it shows. I purposefully kept the convo short and "Have a good day" was my way of not lingering on like I would have naturally. I felt that "sure, I would hate for you to miss it" to me sounds like me being upbeat and positive. It seems like "act as if" might naturally conflict with pursuing - which I was not trying to do.
Historically in our marriage my wife has interpreted short responses from me (especially in text or email) as mean or angry. Guess I am trying to be careful with that.
I am NOT planning on initiating any texts, etc. - but I will try to stay upbeat and positive in responses but not too chatty.
Sorry if that came across defensive. Not my intent.
180s should be done as behavioural changes to what might be our negative behaviours... not to change our behaviours that we like about ourselves and are good...
Keep being upbeat... just back away from R talks or pushy / pursuing behaviours...
Say a funny joke, share a glass of wine, enjoy each other's company... just don't ask her to join you in bed, afterwards...
It is not just you, but generally speaking, short, abrupt language IS a sign of resistance and negativity...
take a step back for a moment... not too far back...
Ask yourself, what was it that gave your W a sense that you were pursuing her or smothering her... was it your chatty, up beat conversations... or was it your convos about R... sticking around after the lights were dimmed... staring into her baby blues...???
Stop doing what she appears to perceive as pursuing and smothering... but keep being you... and keep working on being better...
Odd, and I am really not reading a lot into this, but odd nonetheless. I set forth today with the goal of not really communicating with w at all. FOR SURE not initiating texts or calls and trying to keep my responses to texts simple and curt - but polite and friendly.
She texted the crap out of me - for her, anyway. Texted me that she was at the mall not far from my house, texted pictures of the baby and what he was doing, texted me thank S thanked God 3 or 4 times for Daddy in his prayer before bed. I didn't respond because I was having margaritas with a friend and left my phone in the car on purpose so I wouldn't be looking for her to reach out to me or to be tempted to reach out to her.
Meh, like I said - not gonna read a lot into it and I am not going to say it was the cause - but keeping quiet seemed to make her talk more. Either way, I am going to stick to my limited conversations and not initiate anything if it is not necessary.
Well, at least she doesn't detest me. That's a good starting point.
Not to hijack, but this is a real issue for me - and for Crimson, I'd imagine, too.
In the meantime, a bit of feedback to Crimson, FWIW from me, on responses to his W's emails:
"W texted me again this morning saying that S was in a really good mood this morning. Now knowing if I should say nothing or be polite I said "I'm sure that it's because he's with his mommy" - which I honestly DO believe. She said it was because he slept well and I joked and asked if she'd been slipping him some of her Lunesta. She sent back a chuckle. I figured I needed to pinch the convo off so I said "Have a good day, w". She responded "You, too. Keep your head up!". I didn't respond. Was THAT too much?"
My immediate reaction was to think that it was too much.
"Because he's with his mommy" sounds way too pursuing, to my mind.
Something like "Great" would have been better, I feel.
I'd have left out the joke about Lunesta, too.
I'd also not be initiating the "Have a good day" sign-offs.
Just a validating reply, "Great!" or "Great news!", when she offers that S has slept well, would have been better - in the sense that there's no possibility of her feeling it's smothering.
Even the response to her next email:
"sure, I would hate for you to miss it"
sounded too pursuing to me.
Something like "You'd be most welcome"
sounds more like what one would say to a friend, and that's the level to pitch at IMO at this stage.
Just my 2c.
OMG. I think this is exactly why Crimson micro analyzes every text, word action to his W. I think that is a huge problem with the boards here. Everyone wants to offer their own view (i.e. their own version of mind reading).
My advice would be to stop posting these interactions, and delete the text off your phone as soon as you send. that way, you don't have to go over and over and over it it. It's exhausting.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
