Scared, looks like we are a couple of nite owls. Do you live on west coast? I'm feeling you and I are at same place with no hope. I can't give you good advice like the vets, but I've pretty much detached, he's so going to do what he is doing and nothing I do at this point will change his mind. In fact we are going into probably ugly negotiations about property settlement he will never feel positive about me. But I have to protect myself.
You should not be back seat to his kids. I think you are right about his guilt.
I also think he will have trouble with anyone new because he doesn't have his priorities straight. His kids will move on, they grow up and move out of our lives. Mine did. Hang in there and know people here care about you. Fondly
thank you, hopeless. yes, i can't sleep through the nights anymore. and my mind races when i awaken so i figure i might as well put it to good use and seek advice and guidance on here.
i live in florida.
i don't look forward to the settlement part. i don't think my husband is aware or how much he will have to give me. it will be much harder on him, financially, but it's his choice so he will have to live with it.
i will have to live within a smaller budget, too. not what i had pictured for my retirement and not what he had promised me 15 years ago. i wish i had gotten that promise in writing!
thank you for your support. this is my lifeline here. i read everyone's stories and get inspired, consoled, and scared yet, hopeful.
i hope you have a calm day (that's what i want).
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I am seeing a therapist who gave me something to help me sleep. It is very low dose anti-anxiety med, but taken at night helps me sleep. Without it I was going nights with between one! and five hours sleep, usually waking at least every 2 hours.
If I don't sleep I make all sorts of M-harming mistakes with the result of pushing H further out the door.
I am also not as attentive and patient with the kids (often snap which I don't like, nor does the H) and can't work, so this medication has helped.
I would have said I was anti-medication before this happened, but this is probably one of the worst things you will ever have to deal with, so I say, with careful Dr. supervision, do what you must.
I know this sounds trite, but trust me, it DOES get better. Considering how recently he moved out, this is going to be one of your darkest periods right now. Feel free to cry it out (just not in front of him), and post often, both here and to others (as you have). It helps.
I asked where your sister lives because I'm originally from Ohio, but further south than Columbus. It's a good place to be from.
I don't think you are wrong in expecting a man to put his wife first and I think that's the crux of this problem. For whatever reason, he can't do that. Maybe there's guilt related to the first marriage. Whatever the reason there's nothing you can do to change him.
Work on yourself but don't expect to feel wonderful right away. You won't. Each day do something for you.
Do you have a lawyer?
And as for your H crying, try not to read too much into that. Who really knows shy he cries other than him. The fact remains that he is divorcing you as painful as that is to realize.
Take care of yourself. Work on yourself. Be good to yourself.
Val posted this to needgrace yesterday:
Originally Posted By: Valeska
DBing is difficult at first because you are so scared. Your life gets turned upside down and you FEEL like you have lost all control of your life...
... so when DB says let them go, don't pursue... it's counter-intuitive to all the feelings you have.
Because you hope that if you hold on tighter.. they may change their mind.
But the fact is.. you have already lost them.
and understanding and accepting that you have already lost them.. is an extremely hard thing to come to terms with.
It's hard in the beginning to hold back our hope or to do things w/o expecting our spouses to notice or come back...
... this does not makes us bad people... it makes us people who are scared.
Whether we are scared about what life will look without our spouse or with our spouse. Scared that we will NEVER heal, never be happy, never smile or laugh again...
whatever it is... we are just scared of the unknown.
And it isn't until we look that fear and tell it to fvck off that we truly grasp DBing.. That's when it becomes easier.
That's when we are no longer afraid to let go or make the changes. That's when are no longer afraid to love our spouse w/o fear of the outcome.
It is my belief that DBing brings out the best in all of us.. and if our spouses can't see it... well we've done everything we can.....
.... and we can move on knowing our next R will be so much better, because we took the time and put in the work to become better.
Hang in there!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
thank you starsky and labug. i brings tears to my eyes that you seem to care more about me than my husband of 15 years.
it's so hard to let go of something that feels that the very fabric of my being. it's as if i'm cutting off my own limb.
i don't have a lawyer, yet. my husband has expressed a desire to enlist a mediator to help us instead of two lawyers to save money. i have thought about getting a consultation to find out what i should do but i also don't want to provoke him or make the process begin. i have told him that i will not do the work to make this happen as i usually do all the leg work for things that we want to make happen. he will have to get it done. i've also told him i will not discuss details with him; only with a third party. i don't want to get down and dirty with someone who is supposed to care about me (ha!).
i know i've already lost him. i was looking on line this morning for small apartment rentals. it hurts so much to be in this place where i'm looking for a place to live by myself. i was in the grocery store yesterday, and an elderly woman (older than me) was in line behind me. she didn't have a wedding ring on. she was getting just a few things that appeard to be geared towards a solitary life. i wanted to die.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Even if you get a mediator (which I'm generally in favor of), both parties should STILL either retain, or hire-by-the-hour, their OWN FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY to advise on the final mediated agreement before you sign off on it.
In fact, any good mediator worth their salt will also tell you that.
you're right, starsky. when i comes to signing anything or agreeing to anything, i will have legal counsel. i not only have to look our for myself but also for my son and grandkids.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
It is okay to HAVE emotions -- even very STRONG emotions -- during a difficult time such as this. You just don't want to be basing any DECISIONS upon them.
