Ok - the weekend was really good for me knowing my own personal wants and desires, and I can 'see' the bigger picture for myself.
I am wondering about setting concrete goals. I'm very right brain so can someone help explain that to me, and give some practical examples? That would be REALLY helpful. Thank you!
WEll! Here I am preparing to do Dim and gone dim, when today I was driving around and I bump into my H. I have been with the man for 17 years, and this has never happened before.
What was interesting was that right before work (I temp in between uni - which takes me all over the city so there's never a set place I am), I decided to comb my hair, retouch my makeup etc. I rarely do that actually after a job. Before a job - always - but rarely afterwards.
Anyway, not 10 minutes later, my H knocks on my window. He has a big smile on his face. I'm totally taken aback. I haven't seen him in so long that I felt - well - kind of flat actually. I almost didn't recognise him because I didn't have any sense or feeling of familiarity with him.
Now I know I have detached - but that much??
So yeah, he asked if he could borrow the car for the Easter weekend. I thought the exchange would happen on Friday.
He followed me home - eventually - and we had a nice chat at home. I was a bit cooler than I normally am - not intentionally! I was jst because I had this weird feeling that I know this man but I have no connection with him anymore.
My emotions have been through the mill, so they are not coming out any time soon I think!
I asked if he wanted some dinner, and of course he declined. I could feel a pang in my heart for that. Soon after I thought to myself, "I'm sick of being rejected by this man." Well, that will be my last offering EVER!
When he was on his way, we hugged - but it was a distant hug.
Then, he got into the car and I walked away. Again, it wasn't intentional - but I caught myself just going back to the kitchen without a second thought. You see, I used to wait at the door waving at him as he drove off. this time, I had zero inclination to do such a thing.
Has anyone felt so cold and distant around their WAS? Like numb? Here I am fighting to get him back yet my own feelings and body language are just not even anywhere near warm.
I think my heart has just decided to hide itself when he is around, because I just don't feel that way even with friends.
I know exactly where you are coming from in your sitch at the moment about detaching. My detaching is somewhat different to yours because I can't really go dark because of the kids and I am still living in the same house. Heck, we are getting on better now than we ever did & we are having the best sex in our R. It confuses me sometimes, but if this is limbo - me likey!!
Good on you for not waving him off after he rejected dinner, even more so because it was not a conscious decision (it just felt natural).
Honestly YC you are doing great, just keep working on YOU. As harsh as it may sound, the reality which I am only just accepting is that until the WAS is ready to make a commitment or decision either way about the M, there is a lot of uncertainty in our lives and we are in limbo.
You might think I'm a bit silly, but here's how I'm playing this in my head. I'm making positive changes about ME and MY life based on a deep reflection of MY feelings, hopes and desires. At the moment I still want to work things out with my W, because I love her and my kids & that this would always be my 1st choice.
IF my W still wants to separate after my course has finished, I will respect and validate my W's decision. I will be around as much as I possibly can for the kids and be a good friend to my W (no pursuing- just there for her if she needs / wants me) and respect her wish for space and freedom without any judgement.
I will use the gift of TIME to full effect, GAL'g with the best of them, spending time with my friends, looking after myself and dating again. (I'd be an idiot to think that my W wouldn't be doing the same thing - heck, she had an affair while we were together & it's probably still going on now, why would she not see other people when we were separated).
Life is just too damn short and either way I'll find happiness with or without my W.
This is my outlook on my sitch & it feels really liberating. I haven't given up on my W and I certainly haven't given up on life. This is how I'm dealing with it & I feel the best I've felt in years.
Don't cry, don't be confused, enjoy yourself for YOU and good things will come to you YC!!
Take care
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
Despite not wanting to have dinner with me tonight, my H did agree to be my guarantor for my potential upcoming rental. I need a guarantor as I am a FT student. In fact, I barely finished asking the question when he jumped in saying , "Yes, I'll do it." Again, I was surprised at his willingness in that department.
So, while we had no dinner, he agreed to be my guarantor for the next 12 months.
The funny thing is that I was avoiding asking him like the plague and had tried other avenues first - to no avail.
Hmmm - Just a theory....I seem to have more success when I ask him for things, but a lot less success when I suggest I do things for him.
What is that all about?
I'm wondering if I was too much of a giver in our R. Someone in this forum though did mentioned the book "Solo Partner". I had a quick look at it on Amazon, and it was talking about the Pursuer/Distancer relationship. I ordered the book and am waiting for it to arrive. I may have been the pursuer.
When I think about it - in our R, I did a lot of complaining towards the end. I didn't asked him for specific things all the time, but I did complain. That's when he would become defensive and shut down (distancer). These days, I ask kindly for X, and I'm getting an easy yes.
Asking him to be my guarantor wasn't the only thing I asked him for. I asked him for other things as well - in a very straight forward manner. In fact, at some point he even said, "You can get a lot more out of me when you ask nicely."
I shall have to test this theory out a bit more. What do you think?
"I seem to have more success when I ask him for things, but a lot less success when I suggest I do things for him."
that struck me when i read it and i realized that it is true with my h also. i'd like to figure that out also - what it means.
maybe when we suggest we do things for them, it brings up their guilt? i don't know.
i haven't "allowed " him to come over and do a lot these past few months, even though he has constantly offered - now i'm allowing it. he seems more relaxed - i think i'll continue to do that.
sounds like you are doing well, and to be honest YC i was secretly relieved to see that you have your moments of doubt also - i have been trying so hard to follow the advice you wrote me a couple of weeks ago - letting the universe allow things to happen naturally in their own time - wrote it out and read it several times a day, but am still having moments when the doubts return and then i realize that i am not allowing. thanks for your help on htat- it has really got me to a much much better place and i believe that all of a sudden i am detaching
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
"I seem to have more success when I ask him for things, but a lot less success when I suggest I do things for him."
that struck me when i read it and i realized that it is true with my h also. i'd like to figure that out also - what it means.
zig
Do you think it's guilt?
I wonder if anyone can confirm that.
I don't really want to put on my rose-tinted glasses at this point, BUT I'm wondering if it is that men have an innate need to 'give', it helps their self-esteem in many ways. For example, if they give you a compliment, graciously accept it always. So generally, if they give, they are giving a part of themselves.
I think it comes down to basic biology.
I have a male friend that I am hanging out with these days. I don't cross the line simply because my heart is all battened up at the moment, but he gives me a lot without me asking for it at all. So, he downloads music or films, brings food over. We are both students and on budgets, but he gives what he can. We went to the shops to pick up some stuff. He only had his card on him (the shop took cash only), so I paid for everything. He was like, "I don't feel good about you paying for this. I don't feel good at all." That sort of thing. To be honest, I didn't feel good about it either. Well, we ended up going to a shop that did accept cc's and he paid then and felt so much better.
I had a boyfriend a while back, he didn't do much of anything. Granted, he was just a student so he didn't have much money at all, but not even a flower?? In fact, I was buying all kinds of little things for him. It didn't last long.
i haven't "allowed " him to come over and do a lot these past few months, even though he has constantly offered - now i'm allowing it. he seems more relaxed - i think i'll continue to do that....
...i have been trying so hard to follow the advice you wrote me a couple of weeks ago - letting the universe allow things to happen naturally in their own time - wrote it out and read it several times a day, but am still having moments when the doubts return and then i realize that i am not allowing.
I did the same thing Zig. The pain was too strong when he said he was "Done." I cried everyday. My mother became exhausted listening to me everyday analysing everything to death. My friends as well. I picked everything apart even if there were only bones left! I actually let my H come over for the first 4 weeks, - purely platonic. I was hoping it would help. His therapist told him not to have sex with me as it would confuse matters.
After about 4 weeks of that, my heart couldn't take it anymore so I asked him to stop coming over. At first he was distraught, and came over immediately to discuss him not coming over anymore. Even bought me some stuff. Anyway, I didn't give in - no romance, none of this, "I just want to be friends" business, no cake-eating - sorry not for me. I want the whole package please - nothing less will do. He then started going cold, like really cold.
Of course I was plagued with doubt about whether I was doing the right thing. Worried that he would put his energy elsewhere - and I tell you that I am pretty certain there is at the very least an EA going on somewhere, perhaps even before this whole thing started. If I ever find out who it is, I will crush her - in the nicest possible way of course . No one f**** with a scorpio moon woman.
Then I found DB, and I started to follow the advice there. They weren't natural at first, but they made sense.
Looking back now, had I had DB earlier, I would have carried on allowing him to come over - but just with a different perspective and understanding about what he is really doing so I wouldn't feel so rejected and hurt anymore. I see now that friends means no commitment, a "let's see how it goes" kind of thing. So, now I am just allowing him to do these little things here and there - and like you - he does seem to be more relaxed about it.
One time recently he was over, his phone buzzed from a text msg. Granted we were talking about finances, so it was a touchy subject. Still, he pulls out his phone and says to the phone, "What do you want now!!" He caught himself and said, "It's just a colleague." What, on a Saturday afternoon, I thought? Yeah, whatever. That's when it hit me that *she* was already getting on his nerves - so I will let that one play out all by itself.
Don't give yourself a hard time like I did about shutting him off. It was for my own sake and wellbeing that I had to do it, and I'm sure you did it for those reasons as well. For me an added reason was that I wanted to snap him out of his funk a bit. It didn't work. He just grew colder. HOWEVER! The benefit is that it gave me breathing space, and so I wasn't a quivering mess everytime I saw him.
As time has passed, the doubt has subsided - but still knocks me on the side of my head every so often. My feet are still firmly planted though.
You are directing your own show now Zig. Doubt can just take a back seat - there are more important things to deal with. The universe is so much more powerful than any doubt. Open your heart to the universe (God, the light, whatever you want to call it) because that is who your partner is now - and probably should be for the rest of your life. Keep it simple for yourself. Your only job now is your wellbeing.
I don't know where I'll end up on this journey - but it is certainly interesting and I am learning a whole hell of a lot.
Yeah us men, do like to buy things and do things for women. I'll let you in on a secret, men deep down like simplicity.
Take for instance if I were to do something handy like fix a tap, change a tyre or paint a room. On a simple level I'm doing a task, but while I'm doing it, I'm thinking I want to do a good job so my partner is pleased and praises me for this. It's a male expression of showing that we care and want to look after you. Naturally we think that we are earning some brownie points and that we may be rewarded in some way ;-)
It really is that simple with most men.
Oh and yes we really do need clear instructions, being subtle 9 times out of 10 just goes way over our heads.
It's usually not what you ask for, it's how you ask for it that gets a man to do something.
Any chance of letting me in on what women think, when they say one thing but mean another? ;-)
Thanks Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
