It's going to hurt no matter what. This takes time to get through and you have to feel the hurt but not let the hurt control your life.
Quote:
LRT does not work for him.
I'm not sure I understand this. What do you mean?
LRT is for you, it allows you to begin to heal, to get away from the emotion and reactivity. From reading your posts it sounds like just what you need right now as you are all over the place.
Cadet always gives the advice: Divorce means he wants space. Give him space. All of the other stuff might just be H's attempts to assuage his guilt.
Work on you, You are the only actor in this play that you can control.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
thanks labug. i never thought of it that way. it seems that when i was in no contact with him, it was easier for him to be angry with me and feel more positive about how he's doing the right thing leaving me.
now, he's kinder, texting me nice things about me and our life, and really responding AND initiating contact. it hurts to think that it's a way to make it easier on himself...but that could be the absolute truth and i need to face it. oh, it's so hard. i want so desparately to fix this. i want it to be over and to be back together as husband and wife.
of course, i'm hopeing that if he goes to IC he will discover that he wants to be married to me more that not... am i hopeless here?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
also, when i said LRT does not work with him, it's because he interprets that as me being "hard" and "tough". he wants to see a softer side of me because i always resort to putting a wall up and letting him know i can live without him. so he see LRT as more of the same and I THINK, more kind texts and sweet words as 180's. does that make sense? thank you so much for looking in.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
also, when i said LRT does not work with him, it's because he interprets that as me being "hard" and "tough". he wants to see a softer side of me because i always resort to putting a wall up and letting him know i can live without him. so he see LRT as more of the same and I THINK, more kind texts and sweet words as 180's. does that make sense? thank you so much for looking in.
Did he tell you these things or are you mind-reading?
Also, I'm unclear on what you want. I thought I read that you said the marriage was over and you realized you 2 couldn't be together, or something to that affect. Am I right?
Can you clearly state your goal? I know this is very hard, and you're in pain but try to envision the person you want to be.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
thanks for your response. i'm so sorry my posts are confusing. they are a reflection of the condition of my mind. some days i think i don't even know which way is "up"...
he actually told me, "when you show me your vulnerability, you have my heart". i was in LRT for four weeks until this past friday. i would get zero communication from him. after i told him i agreed we could not continue our marriage, he let down his guard and finally began speaking to me, showing me physical affection and caring. yesterday and early this morning, he texted me loving messages. today's was about my trip to see my dying first husband. he said, "i could hear your inner heart. so sweet."
so, the LRT was not working and the vulnerability and kindness are, at least they appear to be. he's communicating with me and he's initiating it.
what do i want? what day is it? one day i think, ok, i'm going to be better off without him and i'll be happier not trying to watch everything i say and do. the next day, i'm so devistated and lonely for him and scared, i don't want to lose him.
to be honest, when i'm in LRT and no contact, that's when i feel better about my life without him. and i know that's what he's feeling, too, because he told me so. he said he can't sleep in the same bed because he would want to be close. he can't live with me because it makes it too hard for him to try to move forward.
my REAL goal, if i'm completely honest and go deep into my heart, is to stay married to him. he has his flaws but he's a good man. he's selfish and controlling and he comes with a lot of baggage (three adult children) but i love him and i think we can make our marriage better than before if we're both willing to. i'm just trying to wait him out.
i don't want to lose him.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
journaling: i think i know what i'm facing now. my husband thinks my relationship with his adult daughter is so bad that it is beyond repair and he can't be married to me. this is hard. it's so sad that it comes down to this. couple this belief with the bad relationship he and i have had for the past few years and it's led him to believe we are dead.
i can't figure out how to fix this. i know i'm not supposed to try to fix it but that's all i've been wanting to do. i believe it's unfixable.
has anyone out there ever seen a marriage recover from broken stepmother/stepchild relationship? i think i'm just going to have to throw in the towel. i feel so inconsequential to their lives; like i've been used for the past 16 years to keep all of them (H and his kids) happy.
i've always felt like i was in the backseat to all of them and now i've been thrown out of the car and told to walk while they ride away together. am i selfish to believe a man should put his marriage first? even as i write this i know it was a no-win situation. 75% of second marriages with step children end in divorce. being a step mother was the hardest job i ever had to do. especially, with a husband who was full of guilt and afraid of losing his kids' love.
my God, i know all is lost now. he's put his wall up now but not to protect himself; to protect his kids from me. i don't feel any hope for us now. i feel sick. i feel so discouraged and hopeless.
that's why he cries. he knows it, too. he loves me so much but he loves his kids more and he feels there's nothing he can do but divorce me and be happy with someone else someday who will not have a history with them and will like them.
it hurts so badly because i know it would be so hard to have any kind of relationship with him, too. there would always be that between us. he would be watching to see if i was irritated with them or they were uncomfortable with me whenever they were around us.
soooo sad to feel this way. so much pain. so hopeless.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
