What you're going through is perfectly natural. The part you have to understand is that your H left because something in HIM was broken. NOT YOU.
Forget about him for a bit and take care of yourself. You're smart, strong and a damn fine woman for even putting up with his crap. It is very very easy for the LBS to feel worthless or feeling they can be easily replaced.
That's not true at all! Remember that. Remember how good of a person you are. If you need to do therapy, do it. If you need to go for long walks, do it. Do the things that make YOU feel good. Even something as simple as putting on a new outfit, new hair or a simple makeover can make all the difference in the world.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you so much for your response!! I do need to continue to take care of myself. It is so easy to get wrapped up in everyone elses needs. It is hard to find support for this stage! Maybe it is just encouragment that I need. Either way thanks for checking in. I am not doing T right now. I am trying to pay off my existing bill right now. My bday is coming up and I think that is bugging me some. The age thing. I know OW was 10 years younger than me!! O well.
Like I've told others who have found themselves in Piecing, now is the time that DBing is especially important. Keep up the GAL and remember the empowerment and strength you got back. Continue to do those things.
In terms of T, you don't need to go to a professional. You can go to a priest, community group or social support group where you don't have to pay anything. Don't feel like you're alone in this.
This does get better.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I think once piecing starts and the "crisis" is over, a lot of what happened in the past comes back. It haunts us, gives us insecurities, the why questions come, the tortuous thoughts.
I don't know why, but I think this is part of LBS's journey.
This is one of the things that could derail piecing, I believe. I have been there, and in the few short months that we have been piecing, I have confronted my H, doubted him, continued snooping, etc. all to the detriment of our recovery. I haven't posted yet, as I am trying to deal with thisin a different way.
All I could say is for now, try to restrain those thoughts, and when you are wrestling with insecurity, try to think of how much the sitch has imporved so far and all of the things that you have learned from it. Think positive, push the negtativity out. In a sense, continue your DBing by working on yourself.
Just remember, we have the gift of time. Concentrate on each baby step. Look at your feet and not at the road ahead.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
My question- my H has always been sarcastic of which has not changed since he came home. For, the most part it seems innocent enough but I know there are times when there are bits of truth in his sarcastic comment. If I acknowledge the sarcasm he will say "I was just kidding -geez" ah no sorry I don't think so. I have expressed my desire for him to just to tell me whatever "it" is in normal conversation instead of the sarcasm. To me - it is someone being a coward. Anyway, he must be feeling comfortable again at H because here comes the sarcasm. I want someones honest opinion. Am I taking it too seriously? Comments like- "oh honey you have gotten so old" or "pants a little tight" When I type them they sound juvenile but really? Also, remember this man had an A with someone 10 years younger so I may be more sensitive to that stuff in my mind. Shouldn't he be able to figure that out?? What do you think? I've also feel like he has been looking at other W. If I do bring this to his attention he is mortified because he says he wasn't. NOw, he told me the reason I do that is because I must be jealous of these women. I have to add. I am quite content with how I look and feel. It seems his intention is to drag me down with him cause he feels like crap about himself. So, bring it on. AM I over exagerating? Being dramatic? Am I as insecure as he likes to make me out to be?Thanks.
If your H has always been sarcastic, what has your typical response been? Are you still engaged in the same dynamic?
If you want things to change, you'll need to be the one who initiates the change. First of all, you need to consider your boundaries--what is acceptable, and what goes too far. How could you respond differently to his passive-aggression, to catch his attention and show him you've changed?
Are you quite sure that you are completely content with how you look and feel? It's good that you can recognize that he's trying to make you feel bad about yourself as well; the question is, having recognized that it's an expression of HIS problem, can you stop yourself from making it YOURS?
Typically, I walk away or say "thanks-that was nice" sarcastically myself.
I do not know how or what to change as far as responding to that.
I believe I am content with how I look. OF course, there is always room for improvenment which I try to keep doing.
THis is a man who I am suppose to believe is attracted to me. If he thinks these things about me how can he really be attracted to me? Also, hard for me to feel loving toward him with crap coming out of his mouth. I just feel like why waste your breath on someting "you don't really mean" Pointless. I believe there is a bit of truth in his comments.
As has often been pointed out, when people tell us things that don't feel true, we easily brush them off. When there seems to be some truth in them, they sting.
One possible change would be to joke back--"Yup, let me know if the pants actually split," "You know, it doesn't seem fair that I keep getting older while you've stopped aging"--whatever appeals to your sense of humour.
The second issue is that he's deliberately pushing your buttons, and it's hurtful to feel that coming from someone we love. Perhaps turn it back on him: "That sounds like a grumpy comment--anything bad happen today?" "Sounds like you're frustrated/trying to push my buttons--is there anything you'd like to talk about?" If he sees you can't be rattled, and remain good-humoured and calm, he's likely to give up on the PA tactics.
Eventually, you want to get to the point where you can have a completely honest conversation with your H ("When you say ____ it makes me feel ____.") but you may not be ready for that yet.
