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A Message from Michele
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#2241530 - 04/29/12 06:57 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Kimmerz, you described exactly what I go through on a daily basis. One minute I'm reading posts on this thread and I'm reminded that this is not all my fault and the outcome is out of my control. The next minute I feel terribly guilty for reasons I always state (should have gone back to work, been less controlling). I feel like I killed my marriage and my H's love for me. Now he's dating and showing other women the attention that I am so desperate for. This pain is unbearable. I want to take action, because that is my nature. I am praying for patience and asking God to work on me and my H. With growth I feel certain we can have the marriage of our dreams. I've made big changes with the biggest being my new job. My H doesn't believe the changes will last. This is where I just have to trust in God to give me opportunities to demonstrate to my H that I am different and I continue to work on being the best that I can be. I will no longer point this out to my H or look for ways to show him (contolling and manipulative). If the changes in me are now a permanent part of who I am then it will become clear to him, naturally, during any future interactions we have. Gradually, I hope that he will trust these changes and believe that I made them to better myself and not to get him back. Until he trusts me he will not believe that he can be happy if he comes back home. Even then it may be too late. My H knows and has said that I am a great person and a great mom. He could never accuse me of neglecting our family or home. He knows that I am loyal, faithful, honest, etc. I take care of myself and am athletic. My H also knows that I love him and that he can trust that love to be unwavering. Someone new might be younger and exciting, but what I have given to my H and my marriage all of these years is so much more than that. However, if my H is really looking to unburden himself from family life there is nothing I can do about that. Maybe he will be happier or maybe he won't. I just know that no matter what I am going to continue to be the person that I've always been, with improvements of course, and that I am someone he can trust with his heart.

#2241532 - 04/29/12 07:25 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Well, so much for the sleep remedy that I bought today. I slept for 30 minutes and have been wide awake ever since. Besides reading here I've been writing mantras on index cards and taping them to my bathroom mirror. All of the sudden I have a burst of energy like I could clean my whole house. What in the world is happening to me? Am I ever going to be able to get a good night's sleep again?

#2241535 - 04/29/12 11:53 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
job Offline


Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 24170
Loc: Maryland
golf mom,
Everything you are experiencing is normal for what you are going through. From your posting, it sounds like you may need to find an outlet for some of the energy you have. I found that when I was on the "high" side of things, that I could clean my house top to bottom and then I would fall into bed to sleep just a couple of hours. It took quite a while before my mind would stop racing...this could be what is happening to you.

I do hope today is a better day for you. Pamper yourself a bit today if you can.

BTW, you may want to start a new thread before Jack comes along and reminds you to do so.

#2241537 - 04/29/12 12:07 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 889
Loc: West Coast
Morning Golf Mom,

Please remember you are going through the grieving period of being a LBS. This is a severe emotional trauma. Remember that it takes time, and alot of it to move through these emotions.It's also 2 steps forward 3 steps back during this transition for us LBS. Do you have an EAP at your work? I suggest if you do, get into counseling for yourself. I took advantage of my EAP at work and Im so glad I did. I wish I could've gone longer, but I could not afford 125.00 a session. But it sure put my on the right track to help myself.

You and I are just alike in how we feel about being left. I too felt like I killed my marriage. I mean how else would we feel? Our husbands stood before us and told us every reason under the sun as to why they were miserable, and guess what? It's all our fault as far as they're concerned!!! We are compassionate, empathetic, and responsible people. When anyone comes to us and points out a mistake we might have made, what are we going to do by our nature? When something of this magnitude is dropped on us, it's too much to bear. Add a few co dependent issues (I've had them) on top of this, and well here we are. Rock bottom.

I take it he told you he was dating other women? Or did you find out another way? It was when I found out XH was with the OW that I hit rock bottom. I went through a PTSD period. Not sure if you're familiar with my past posts, but this OW's ex husband tried to kill my Xh 4 years ago. All in the name of an affair my Xh denied ever having with her.

I then went through the insomnia and adrenaline blasts that you're going through right now. I would go like that for 2 -3 days and then literally just drop of exhaustion and sleep deprivation. I had to consistently take my sleep meds before it got into my system enough to help me sleep better.

One thing that I discovered through this and still must remind myself of is that the MLcer and LBs are literally on two different planes of existence when these things happen. The MLCer's perception of the marriage and life with the LBS is significantly different and skewed compared to how we perceived it. They've also been living in this "false" reality for a very long time, probably years. And a belief is a thought that we keep thinking. So given this is what they've been feeding themselves for so long, they truly believe what they tell us.

What is so disturbing to me about all of this is how indifferent these MLCers are to our heart break. I mean they acknowledge we aren't happy and have some guilt, but truthfully they have no clue as to what we're going through. They don't have a true clue because right now they're only focused on themselves and what they can do to get where they want.

One thing you keep hearing over and over here is to GAL. In my experience, GAL is whatever you want to make it. But first and foremost I feel a person has to go through a certain amount of grieving before they're even able to start GAL things. Don't push yourself to start doing all these things to GAL unless you're ready to and want to. For me, I just had to let a certain amount of grief go by before I could even entertain the thought of leaving the house. In my case when Im horribly stressed, I become agoraphobic and have panic attacks. I need to be in my safety zone unless it's necessary and I can't be. So for me getting out and just walking around the block was a challenge. Going to the store, or just taking the kids to the park was not do able or only for a few minutes then i had to be home.

If the MLCer ever starts to see things in our point of view, it will only be after the MLC has run a good part of the course, and reality has smacked them upside the head a few times. Life always finds a way, and I feel that standing back and letting nature take its course is always the best teacher. It's just extremely frustrating to stand back and wait for it to happen. But it always does.
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

#2241551 - 04/29/12 02:42 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I'm wondering if the dose of 5HTP that I took for depression is where the boost of energy came from. I need to read more about it and the reactions/side effects. As usual, I only slept for about four hours. This is so frustrating. Abandonment definitely causes PTSD.

Kimmerz, thanks for your thoughts on GAL. I tried yesterday to find a new activity through "Meetups" and after awhile I just started sobbing. I'm not ready. When I started looking in the "single parent" and "separated/divorced" categories it hit me that what I went through in my 20's I will be doing again at some point if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I so don't want to do that. When my H and I started dating and became serious I was so glad to be out of the dating scene and never wanted to go back. Now here I am at a time (age/circumstances) when that is least appealing. I will start incorporating activities that I was already doing (league golf and tennis) before BD. I started running again several months ago, but not consistently. I'm short on time and energy.

My H has been a little different than many MLCers. When I had a total breakdown on the phone with him on Friday he explained some things that I wanted clarification on and then said he wanted to get off the phone before his weekend is ruined. He doesn't like to hear or see me upset. He said this process has been really hard on him too. When I made the big mistake of ending with "I love you" he said I can't tell you what you want to hear right now. I told him that I wasn't wanting or expecting anything in return. What's the "right now" about? I sense that he really wants to continue exploring single life for awhile and doesn't want to deal with any guilt or interference from me. He does seem to care about my feelings. On some level he remembers that I am a good person and didn't deserve this, so it makes me wonder if all of this is about getting older and running out of time to see what's out there under the guise of my faults drove him away. Any thoughts on all of this? I know he needs space and I must give this to him. I must let him explore even though that evolves other women. It hurts a ton, but when i start thinking about it i immediately say somthing to myself to remember who I am. No one can take my place. If my H wants somebody different there is nothing I can do about that and it doesn't mean that something is wrong with me. The mantras that I wrote last night are posted and I will read them every day. One is "Change = Hope; Do the opposite of what comes naturally [when dealing with H]. Any suggestions? Now I will work on affirmations.

I will start chapter 2 of this thread later today.

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