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#2241348 - 04/28/12 05:18 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 874
Loc: West Coast
Golf Mom,
Go ahead and send me a private message here on the boards.

If you don't know how to do that, just click on my name and then choose "send pm". My settings are to accept private messages.

BTW if anyone else wants to send me a PM here, i don't mind.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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#2241367 - 04/28/12 11:54 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19209
Loc: Maryland
Golf Mom,
You are grieving and grieving takes time. There were times when I cried until I made myself sick...but I knew that I had to put one foot in front of the other in order to pull myself out of the dark hole. Do not fight the tears, feel the pain and then let it go. Get a pillow and beat the crap out of it. If you have a flower bed, make a point to go out and weed or hoe it to death. You need to do something physical to help you get rid of the pain. Take a drive and pull over somewhere out in the open and just scream. All of this will help you.

As for your h, he's in crisis. He's going to say anything for an excuse and guess what? You are always going to be the one he blames. If the sky is purple, you will be blamed. If the grass turns pink, you will be blamed. He isn't capable of looking within to see that the problems is w/him and his issues. That's why I continue to tell you to stop taking the glass of kool-aid he continues to try to give you. It's bs, plain and simple. You know what your marriage was like and you also know that your marriage wasn't perfect, but you both were doing just fine until the crisis hit. Refuse the glass of kool-aid...it's no good.

I mentioned on someone's thread just recently that if you are having discussions w/a spouse and you are discussing something they do not like to hear and they begin to spew, change the subject and they will change into civil human beings again. As you've noticed, as long as you stay away from relationship talks and talk about other items of interest, he remains civil and it's like old times. They can't deal w/relationship discussions right now and it throws them into a spewing tizzy.

Here's the deal, we all have done it and we all have had to learn to do the exact opposite. We think that running after them and trying to convince them to come home and work on the relationship, i.e., that we can change or do whatever they want...this would probably work in a normal situation, but the crisis is not a normal situation because it's not dealing with a rational individual who is using their brain. These individuals are in crisis, emotions are the key player, therefore we must do the exact opposite and allow them their time and space to work through their crisis. I have found that you can't get an emotional person to see the light until they have completely settled down. Just as a person in crisis becomes the opposite in personality, we, too, have to begin doing the exact opposite...which means let them go and do not pursue them and try to convince them to return home. It will not work! The more you pursue him, the harder he is going to run from you. That's why it is important to not contact him unless it is an absoltue emergency and one you can't handle yourself.

I know you are in pain and miss him terribly, but you do not want the man that he is right now back home and in your life. He is not the man you knew and you would have so many problems w/him. You would be on the emotional rollercoaster each and every day, i.e., walking on eggshells around him. It is better for you that he is not around you 24/7. At least you can begin to get your balance once again and feel "safe" in your own space. It is vital that you begin doing at last one thing each day for you. Pamper yourself for you are a wonderful woman and you will get through this in time. Time is your friend, not your enemy in this situation.

Kimmerz,
I don't believe the "PM" feature works. At least it didn't work a while back. Many of the posters continue communicate off the board via th "alt."

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#2241433 - 04/28/12 04:49 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Today I'm going to track down some natural remedies to help with insomnia and depression. Until I get myself under control I'm not going to be able to see my situation clearly. I can't stop crying and I'm just overwhelmed with guilt and grief. I keep thinking if only I had worked, been less controlling, etc. my family would be in tact. I can't go back and change things. I have apologized, expressed deep remorse and asked for forgiveness. All I can do now is move forward and continue to work on myself. In the meantime, my H seems to be putting on this persona that he's wealthy. Apparently, he wears flashy jewelry (never did before) to go along with his Mercedes convertible (a purchase he made years go without discussing it with me). He's also cut his hair differently, lost weight and wears new clothes, etc. I keep getting a credit card bill every month on a card that use to have a zero balance. I don't open the statement since I'm not on the card, but I can tell there are several pages. So, if money was a trigger for leaving why is he buying jewelry and running up a new bill? Why is he creating this false front? Why is financial success (even if it's a farce) so important to him and why would he want to attract women that way? I would think mostly younger, inexperienced women would fall for all of that. So, once he hooks one of them, then what? It's all a lie. Also, how do you build a relationship when a false front was the attraction? This is all so unbelievable to me. Does he really feel so terrible about himself that he is creating this new imagine that he can feel proud of? In the meantime, somehow I have to start fighting back (not for him, but for me) and make myself into the best, most loveable person I can be.

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#2241441 - 04/28/12 05:38 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Forgive me for all the subsequent and somewhat repetitive posts. I have all of these thoughts going through my head that I'm trying to understand. My H's spending habits don't match up with his concerns about money, then or now. As I look back, he bought a number of expensive (although used) cars that didn't meet our familiy's needs. When we were working on getting out of debt and I was trying to keep us on a strict budget by meal planning, cooking every night, cutting out extras, finding free activities, etc. he would buy expensive tickets to sporting events, kept his gym membership, bought the boys things they didn't need, brought home dinner for himself if he didn't like what I was serving and on and on. So, who wasn't working as a partner? He claims me, but when I think of what I did as our household manager which included ways to significantly reduce our debt (which I continue to do) I'm not so sure. Also, did he see all of this as controlling when all I was doing was finding a solution for the problem? I continue to live frugally while he's seemingly doing the opposite. How does he rectify this in his mind? Is this typical MLC behavior? If what he really values is a practical, conservative lifestyle then why is he running from me and putting himself out there in a way that would attract women who are impressed with financial success? Is this going to blow up in his face? By continuing my responsible financial practices, while continuing to work on myself, will I be the one he's attracted to in the end? Does anyone have a crystal ball out there, LOL?

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#2241442 - 04/28/12 05:50 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19209
Loc: Maryland
golf mom,
You are experiencing shock right now and your mind is running on high speed. What you are seeing is a man in crisis and money is no object to him. This is one of the signs of depression as well as part of the mlc. He has now become the mirror image of the man you knew. In other words, the exact opposite.

All you can do is work on yourself and that means everything you do now is for YOU, not him. It doesn't matter if you stand on a street corner w/a tin cup or you are living in a mansion, because your h will continue to see you and the relationship that you shared as the problem. He sees you as the one that is holding him back. His crisis is his and his only and you did not break him, therefore you can't fix him. Please, please understand that you didn't cause this problem and no matter what you did or didn't do, it will not bring him back right now. You can jump over the moon or lay golden eggs and it not bring him back. Any changes that you make now, will have to be changes that you are satisfied w/and will need to become permanent in your life. The bottom line is to live your life as if he will never return or he's on another planet. No one can predict what the outcome will be and how long he will be on the Mother Ship. He will work through it at his own pace and unfortunately, by the time, if he ever does, wake up, you may have moved on and do not want him back into your life on a full time basis.

Please, please try to keep the focus on you and your children. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to his behavior and trying to analyse every word or action is going to drive you absolutely crazy. You have to take care of yourself so that you don't become ill from the lack of sleep, food and stress.

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#2241449 - 04/28/12 06:13 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thank you snodderly. I'm printing your post and will carry it with me as a reminder of where my focus needs to be.

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#2241459 - 04/28/12 07:15 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 19209
Loc: Maryland
golf mom,
You are going to be okay, but you have to take care of yourself. Just remember...challenges bring opportunities.

I understand where you are emotionally and it's tough and scary. The question that was put to me long ago was "what would you do if he had died"? I would have had to find a way to go on and create a new life w/o him...that's the question that got me in gear to do the necessary "me" work to make me whole and healthy once again.

You will get there too...it just takes time.

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#2241464 - 04/28/12 08:06 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
Creed Offline
Member

Registered: 11/06/04
Posts: 978
Loc: midwest US
GolfMom

Snodderly has given such sage advice and wisdom...please take it all to heart. It's 100% accurate. Many, if not all of us, have felt the same way as you, and concentrated only on what we think we may have done wrong. Would've, could've, should've...none of those are what you should be dwelling on. Dwell on the will, can and need to...dwell on the now and the future, not the past. None of us can go back. None of us can fix what we didn't break as Snodderly has said.

Mine became a mirror opposite also...as I would imagine the majority of our WAS did. And there is no timeline, or no definite outcome to any of these MLC.

You start, today, to plan for yourself and your family. This isn't the way you planned or wanted your life to be right now..but this is reality. And you need to accept that there's noway around it other than right through it. Trying to analyze his reasonings/actions will do no good(although it's almost impossible not to want to try to)

Please take Snodderlys advice and take care of yourself. Emotionally, financially and with all the support offered to you by family, friends and your 'family' here.
_________________________
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible

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#2241488 - 04/29/12 12:08 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Creed]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I purchased some natural supplements to help with sleep and depression today. I took a nap and went for a long run. I feel like I'm fighting for my life. Please pray for me.

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#2241509 - 04/29/12 03:26 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 874
Loc: West Coast
Hi Golf Mom,

Snodderly is giving us the best advice. I find that we will hear these words of truth and wisdom such as Snodderly so lovingly gives to us, and it's such a comfort and relief to hear this, because it's true. Then next thing we know we're right back to our minds spinning into over drive with the " I should've, could've, could've, would've" thoughts. Then we feel burdened with horrible guilt, sadness and depression. Heck that happened to me today and I started the day out great!

I do know when we can get the sleep deprivation and and anxiety under control things seem to add up better and we can think more clearly, and have more insight to things. I've battled depression/anxiety for years and I had to go back on my antidepressants during all of this. For some reason they didn't seem to start working till I combined it with some 5-htp and Valerian.
_________________________
M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.

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