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#2234258 - 03/29/12 04:48 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9833
"I also feel it angers her I won't just accept divorce."

Who cares? After all, it angers you that she accepts divorce.

Follow Mach's advice and stop trying to guess what your W's doing. Have her wonder what YOU're doing.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2234259 - 03/29/12 05:07 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Kd

Anxiety
Control
Anger


Let me offer an alternative...

Rather than having your goal be trying to get rid of the above negative aspects of yourself...

How about having your gaol be behaving in the opposite, positive aspects of yourself than the above...

ie. calmness, tolerance, pleasure/happiness might be the focus...

IOW, continuing to think about yourself with negative traits, start thinking about yourself with better, positive traits...

And also, those traits, (both your original, and) the new ones, are vague...

HOW and in what situations would you be:

Calm
Tolerant
Pleasant/Happy

Instead of focusing on what to move away from (which hasn't been working for you, in the same way as focusing on detaching and moving away from your W hasn't been working for you), focus on moving TOWARDS those positive things...

Think about and focus on moving forward with your life rather than away from your W... You may not want to... it really, really seems that you don't want to let go of your pain... in the same token... if you have ever lost someone close to you to death... there is the option to get stuck in the pain of the loss and not move forward...

or...

you can remember the good times, knowing that that person is no longer going to be with you, and you take positive steps for yourself to begin your journey...

as 25 says...

FROM THIS DAY, FORWARD...

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#2234261 - 03/29/12 05:11 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: netmaster

I am working on my goals but does not happen in 5 weeks. I'm going to counseling twice a week. He is helping me rewrite myself but it takes times. Ive recently made amends with my sister and old girlfriend which we had fallouts due to abuse/anger . This took alot of courage on my part.


I'm confused. Is your counselling focusing on your past issues right now? Or am I misunderstanding something?

Quote:
Question . When she brings up D or Mediation or selling house how to I handle those questions


Tell her calmly and matter of factly, that you need some time to gather your thoughts about it. Then give her a timeframe (a couple of days, two weeks, whatever amount of time) that's reasonable that you think you'll need to be ready to discuss this.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2234278 - 03/29/12 07:29 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Dory]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Thx on road will respond in more detail.
Mr. B my w could give 2 sh*ts what I do. Dude she begged me to date other women.

Dori my counselor is working on my deep rooted childhood issues which he believes will help me with my current anxiety. My control and anxiety are tied to these abusive childhood upbringings.

So your saying act as if she is gone and move on and work on me and if she decides to come around then good if not ok

Kd thx will digest and respond.

I just have trouble with the lawyer and mediation txt and what to say.
She seems to have this whole thing mapped out

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#2234318 - 03/29/12 11:07 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Sad in WI Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 218
Net,

I feel for you and I think we all really do. I thought I was making progress with my W and today when she comes home she is Zombie W. A complete 180 from what she has been acting.

Was I dissapointed, yes I was. But I continue with my 180's and act like nothing she is doing will bother me. Have a big smile on my face when she is around.

I avoided her today as best I can. Maybe you should try a different approach.

SIW
_________________________
M:37
W:34
S:10
D:6
2/29/12 - I don't love you but we can be friends
3/27/12 - W has consulation with L

I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough

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#2234327 - 03/29/12 11:52 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Sad in WI]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Sad but your at home I am not . Little interaction and my wife begs me for a divorce every. 3 weeks

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#2234337 - 03/30/12 04:16 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9833
"Mr. B my w could give 2 sh*ts what I do."

That's fine. You should be doing the same.

"Dude she begged me to date other women."

So do almost every other WAS. It alleviates their guilt. Again, I echo what everyone else is telling you. What do YOU want? How do you want to live YOUR life if she's not around? You're still so W focussed you're losing you.

Your anger is fixated on her. Release that and you'll find your anxiety going.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2234338 - 03/30/12 05:28 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: MrBond]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I just spent hours reading all of your posts. I'm new at this myself. I'm no vet, and they are really skilled and wise, but from my viewpoint, I think you are doing a good job. Just my 2 cents. You seem to be working hard at a most difficult task.

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#2234365 - 03/30/12 08:40 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: hopeless in wa]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7796
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Net, how're things today?

I think if might be helpful for you to read some other threads on here. Broaden your World of the LBS view. Get some tips, maybe.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2234368 - 03/30/12 08:46 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: labug]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Hi LA. Going to counseling in a few minutes. My W txt me that she had a bad night with the kids. Sick etc. I asked her what I could do to help and left it at that.

I have a friend coming in this weekend to keep me busy.

My weekend goal is not to call my MIL once. I know I can do it.

I'm going to dig around and see what I can find on here.

I'm trying to not focus on my sit or W going forward. If I get served I get served.

It is not easy but I think her getting a L and wanting a mediator just helped me let her go

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