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#2234215 - 03/29/12 01:39 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
When my W makes up her mind about a D it is final. Kids or not. The Pope could tell her to change her mind and she will not. She did this to the first H. She also knows financially she will NEVER struggle making the choice even easier.

You must not believe this entirely. If you did believe this why would you keep posting? Turn off the phone...
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2234220 - 03/29/12 02:02 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Yes M1. Besides the battle been 3 years. She is ok with d. Kids stuff not bothering her. She has a lawyer and getting a mediator.

Do u think it angers her when I tell her I respect her feelings or I say I respect how you're feeling right now

Lay into me m1

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#2234223 - 03/29/12 02:11 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
NM... do you have special psychic abilities? Yes, I may appear to be rude saying this, but truly...

You do not...

And you do not know that your W is OK with D...

You are assuming... AND... you are believing what she is telling you...

You can believe she is telling you the truth...

But you do not know what she is really thinking...

You were in panic mode when you came here... and it appears you are in reactive mode, now... and it ain't pretty...

How has what you have been doing, so far, been working for you...? For achieving your goals...?

I would offer that perhaps it is time to change what you are doing, and how you are doing it, including your openness to what has been offered as help, suggestions, support here on this board...

Or...

Change your goals...

What were your goals, again...?

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#2234224 - 03/29/12 02:13 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3692
I'm not gonna lay into you....

It's not why I am here. There is no perverse pleasure in watching you flail about.

I fully understand how you can feel as though nobody fully understands you. It is not their hurt that you are feeling, it is your hurt.

We aren't feeling your hurt either....so it seems....

Many of us have shoes that are very similar in size and color. We wore our shoes ahead of you, and while you may not see that in our words now....Our words then, were very similar.

If I could only get through to these people, they could see how much I hurt, how special I am....maybe I'm not explaining it enough, or fully....

Let me tweet this last tidbit that will help them understand me....oh crap...didn't work....


I'm not trying to poke fun at your hurt either....I'm simply trying to get you to see, that I have been where you are. Most of us have been at one point in time....



With that said....

Let me ask you something....and only yes or no answers, or telling me that Bigfoot sent you, to make me understand....


Your wife, has decided TWICE....to marry......Yes ????


So she IS capable of making a decision, and then changing her mind....

It's happened at least twice....

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#2234229 - 03/29/12 02:29 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Mach1]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Kd

Anxiety
Control
Anger

M1, yes

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#2234230 - 03/29/12 02:32 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
I need something bigger than a 2x4...

Originally Posted By: netmaster
She said I'm controlling and have trouble letting certain things go.


Netmaster I pulled this^^^ from your second post on this forum. From what I can tell, nearly everybody on this forum who is trying to help you has told you that you need to detach and quit obsessing about your sitch.

Do you not see the irony?

If you want to have any hope of R your M, then STOP!

Put yourself in your wife's shoes. She's told you specifically what it is you need to change, yet you're insisting on continuing this behaviour. Instead, you'd rather do it your way. Would you want to be married to someone who's controlling and obsessive? Would you want to be married to someone who keeps harrassing your mother? For Pete's sake, dude, become a man only a fool would leave!

The definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviour, expecting different results.

How is any of this benefiting you? There's got to be something, otherwise you would stop doing it. What is it that you're afraid of happening if you were to let go of your desire to control?

Originally Posted By: netmaster
But financially she will be all set from this D and she knows it...She can wipe my business out and my assets. SHe knows this and it makes the D so much easier on her end.


Is this REALLY the type of person you think your W is?

I want you to really think long and hard about it. There is a world of difference between reacting and responding. I'd prefer if you'd respond to this question, rather than react.

Netmaster, I'm sorry for hauling out the 2x4 but you really need to hear that it is you who's just not getting it. I wish you luck and do hope that you can R your M, but you need to do the work necessary to make that happen.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2234232 - 03/29/12 02:41 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Mach1]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: Mach1
It is not their hurt that you are feeling, it is your hurt.

We aren't feeling your hurt either....so it seems....

Many of us have shoes that are very similar in size and color. We wore our shoes ahead of you, and while you may not see that in our words now....Our words then, were very similar.

If I could only get through to these people, they could see how much I hurt, how special I am....maybe I'm not explaining it enough, or fully....

Let me tweet this last tidbit that will help them understand me....oh crap...didn't work....


I'm not trying to poke fun at your hurt either....I'm simply trying to get you to see, that I have been where you are. Most of us have been at one point in time....



I wanted to say that Mach1 has a very good point here...

Although I believe that pain is a universal experience, no one of us feels any more or less pain than another when feeling the rejection form our S. The only difference is how we choose to deal with the pain...
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2234233 - 03/29/12 02:44 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Mach1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 3692
Originally Posted By: netmaster

M1, yes



So she is capable then.....

She hasn't talked to the Pope, or Bigfoot....

Made those decisions on her own....???




Net...

The rest of this, is YOU mindreading the future...

You are projecting onto her, what you are feeling.

You are trying to control the situation, and failing....

The anxiety is you losing your grip on YOUR dreams, and not being able to do anything about it...

That loss of control, keeps you locked away in your nice little victim cave...Where you can predict the future, and control the outcome through negative thinking....

You can avoid doing anything to actually help yourself, and let your mind deliver you to the land of "what ifs"...where unicorns dance with elves...



Straight up ????

Your BEST chance at saving your marriage, is to save yourself first.

To overcome all of this bullschidt that you allow yourself to go through....

To stop finding a reason to fail yourself...


Slow down, stop letting her define who you are, and really do the work....

One more time now....

You ignored me, and I'm not sure those goals KD asked you about were beneficial...

What are YOUR goals ????

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#2234249 - 03/29/12 04:33 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Mach1]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Dory. Thx. I understand what you're saying and I understand my w not wanting this behavior. She told me today she wants out because she just can't live with me.

My goals there were 9 of them and they all revolved around anger, control, anxiety.

I am working on my goals but does not happen in 5 weeks. I'm going to counseling twice a week. He is helping me rewrite myself but it takes times. Ive recently made amends with my sister and old girlfriend which we had fallouts due to abuse/anger . This took alot of courage on my part.

I am still doing Gal stuff. Golf and cards.

Im reading a book on codependency right now.

Question . When she brings up D or Mediation or selling house how to I handle those questions

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#2234252 - 03/29/12 04:42 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I also feel it angers her I won't just accept divorce.

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