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#2233960 - 03/28/12 11:27 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: Accuray]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2596
Loc: VA
Thanks everyone! I am exhausted today.

Getting the boys to do more is a sore point. Usually when H doesn't like how things are or how busy I am, he gets mad at me for not making the boys do more. If I ask H to help out with something he helps by yelling at the boys, which upsets me.

I resent the amount of time H spends in bed looking at his iPad.

I'll take your suggestions and try to set my priorities, dump a few off the list, delegate something, and recharge my batteries.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2234149 - 03/29/12 09:46 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: Accuray]
breakdownbill Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 434
Loc: Liverpool, England
Hey Adinva

I've got to say I agree with 2 the point about you being a super woman & needing to shed some responsibilities from your busy (understatement) life.

I agree with you that being permanantly busy is both a blessing and a burden. I just really think that you could use a little bit more help though, even just to rest and get some 'Adinva - Time'.
Besides the kids helping out a bit more are there any family or friends that could help you out a little? Even if it was just to do something with the kids for a few hours once a week.

I'd have to agree with some of the other posters, getting another dog will only add more chaos to your life, when you need to start breaking down what's important and simplifying your life as & when you can.

Hang in there you busy bee

Bill
_________________________
Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy

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#2234154 - 03/29/12 10:00 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: breakdownbill]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7830
Loc: Sonoran Desert
(((Ad)))where are your boundaries?

I did the Superwoman thing for a long time and it got me here.

Make a list with 2 columns, Needs and Wants. Write down all that stuff. Think about it for a couple of days and look at it again.

People will take until you tell them to stop.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2234163 - 03/29/12 10:27 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2596
Loc: VA
Family counseling followup was yesterday. I woke s14 up for it; he'd been asleep all day but he got in the car. Once there though, he slouched and closed his eyes in the therapist's office and wouldn't respond except in grunts. H forgot but when I called him he readily offered to get back in the car and drive over. When he got there we sent the kids out to the waiting room.

I thought the session was good because H and I were kind of working as a team to brainstorm ways of helped S14 past this oppositional behavior, using tools other than just punishment or yelling. I got some ideas for using my expectations and good opinion of S14 as a motivator. We talked more about having regular family meetings and setting ground rules, and negotiating postponement if someone is too tired, upset, or whatever, to participate (like s14 was just then).

I expressed concern about getting S14 to agree to participate, and H had a good idea about how to handle refusal, which I liked a lot. (I said something like "that's why it's so great to have TWO parents" and regretted saying it in case it was taken as a comment on our situation.)

I brought up the dog as a possible topic for a family meeting, and the therapist asked us to explain about the dog issue, so I did. She said are you both on board with getting a second dog? H said, yeah I think it's fine. I said that I was aware it was going to be more dog hair on the floor, more effort, and we should set expectations so it doesn't become a problem, and the family meeting would be good for that. T asked H what if the boys don't do what you expect, won't the dog hair bother you? He said, "no because we have the maids coming every two weeks so it doesn't bother me because I know it's going to be taken care of at least that often." We then had a conversation about how we're saving money on allowance and housecleaning and the boys have the option of earning money when they need it - I said that I really liked how the new system met a lot of our goals, and H said he was fine with the boys not doing chores sometimes because he knew eventually they'd want money and get the chores done. (fyi, they have some chores that are just part of living in the house, which they do...these are the above-and-beyond ones that earn money.)

We brought the kids back in and S14 proceeded to feign sleepiness again, but there was a funny moment where S11 challenged H on his word usage and S14 blurted "thanks, Webster" with his eyes still shut. He was listening.

While I stayed behind to pay the bill, T and I talked a little about S14's behavior being part embarrassment over being on the hot seat for bullying, part oppositional behavior, and partly the fact that he was not feeling well. I thought her suggestion was great and I used it. In the car I told him things I was proud of about him at the meeting and things I was embarrassed by, that I would expect more respectful behavior and that he was acting immature. I told him in life sometimes you have to just buck up and act right, and that was part of growing up. And that was all I was going to say about it. Planting seeds.

We had a really nice dinner, me and the two boys, at California Tortilla, and then back at home s14 was sick for a short while. Then he perked up and got started on his homework. He had a ton - a science project to complete and video and coloring for Spanish. I hate when they have to stay up late coloring something. I very rarely help with homework, but in this case, with it all due the next day, I offered to do the coloring while S14 finished his science. S11 came around because he loves coloring too. S14 had done about 15 pages of spanish words, spanish sentences, and pictures drawn of each word, and the pictures had to be colored. S11 and I whipped through them but in a lot of cases we had to ask S14 what the word meant or what the sentence said, so S14 was reinforcing his spanish while getting his science done. And we were all having a good time together. Then S14 asked S11 to help hold the videocamera to tape the science project. They were getting along so nicely. S11 and I went to bed finally with S14 still down there testing and perfecting his project. When H got home from the gym he helped with some advice too. (the project was a balloon powered car).

I love that my family can go to a professional for help, even if some of them say it's lame, they're there and they're benefitting, and they're fine afterward. In my family growing up there were occasional counselors brought in and I acted absolutely horrible, and it was a complete stress and traumatic event that was soundly rejected for followup. I'm one of 5 so I just remember my counselor but my sister remembers being dragged to one too. I so wish now that someone had persisted more for me.

My wonderful boys got up on time today, got to school on time both of them (first time this week for s14), and started my day happy. And H said bye when he left this morning, which he doesn't always do.

So back to yesterday - I stayed home all day and crunched out a ton of work, which was probably the best thing I could do for my state of mind. I forgave myself for not walking the dog. I thought about tossing the plants but I really like them so I didn't do it. I thought about getting some fake ones for the windowsill and put it on a someday-to-do list. I made time for a shower and dressed nicely for the T appointment. Every day's a new day and I feel better with the amount of work I completed.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2235524 - 04/04/12 09:46 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2596
Loc: VA
Spring break, I'm apparently the only mom my kids' friends know who's home this week so my house is the go-to. Today S11 turned 12 and we took him out for his dinner request - hibachi-style, yummy. We got the second dog over the weekend and he's an adorable goofball, getting along beautifully with our 10yo dog. Tomorrow H leaves the country until the 15th. I'm thinking about bringing the kids and dogs to DC for the weekend and going to Easter at the National Cathedral.

Not much to report otherwise.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2236071 - 04/06/12 09:38 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2596
Loc: VA
I offered to drive H to the airport, in between meeting a temp at the office and moderating a conference call. He accepted; seems to like the door to door service over getting a taxi. I was happy to do it. The drive was pretty quiet and I told him "have a good trip" when he got out and got his bag out of the back.

I feel kind of numb about the fact that we don't touch or show any affection toward each other.

In the past we would have acted exactly the same way and I'd have been content to have such a relaxed and comfortable relationship. We would have definitely kissed before parting, but not likely a really romantic kiss, just a business-like peck. In the past I'd have expected him to call and let me know how his flight was or say hi to the kids, and now there's none of that. It just seems like what used to be comfortable relaxedness is now a wall between us.

I feel numb about that too. I feel like it's "out of my sandbox." I'm sad about that but I think I've done everything possible to show a willingness to change. I'm not gross or awful. Lots of people think I'm great, just not him.

I'd love for there to be a magical turnaround where he decides he'd walk over hot coals to be with me if that's what it took. I'm worth that. I don't see it coming from him.

Today I was thinking a little about the dating thing. I've thought a few times about old boyfriends and wondering what they're up to, but I came to the conclusion that I want to go forward, not back. There's a reason I didn't end up with them, and my next relationship could be something wonderful I never imagined. However, I feel very handicapped by the fact that I met H right out of college. I dated lots of people once or twice, but have little experience developing relationships. I never dated a guy who could afford to go on a vacation with me. I never had to negotiate which date was the one where you were expected to have sex. I was always pretty happy to be married and beyond all that.

I don't want to be alone, but as a very busy introverted person I may end up alone. I suspect fear of being alone is one of the reasons I'm fighting so long for my H. Well, the kids are a big reason too.

He's been a great provider. But in a lot of ways he's been a crappy husband and I deserve better. I haven't been perfect but I've been willing to try to be.
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2236096 - 04/06/12 11:47 PM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Quote:
I don't want to be alone, but as a very busy introverted person I may end up alone. I suspect fear of being alone is one of the reasons I'm fighting so long for my H. Well, the kids are a big reason too.

Adinva - I think that is what many of us fear the most; being alone. It is an entirely natural thing to feel. But what you may be missing is that you are a very different person than you were when you were in college. You have grown in ways that many have not.

You have so much to offer but you'll never know this unless you let yourself be free. And you do this by setting your H free. It is the hardest thing you will have to do. But if you don't set him free, you will forever be bound by the chains that bind you both. Does that make sense?

Quote:
[He's been a great provider. But in a lot of ways he's been a crappy husband and I deserve better. I haven't been perfect but I've been willing to try to be.

Yes, you do deserve better. You must always remember that! None of us are perfect, but the ones that strive to be a better person and who learn from past mistakes, those are the prized catches.

So keep on working on you, and let your H figure out what he is missing out on. And if he never figures that out, then that is his loss isn't it?

You say he's been a crappy H, so let him go. Go find yourself a great H who will treat you like a queen and you can treat him like a king. Then you will know happiness.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2236108 - 04/07/12 12:47 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7830
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Ad, I know exactly what you're saying.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2236130 - 04/07/12 06:01 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: labug]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2080
Adinva,

I definitely wrestled with the same thoughts and fears and still do to some degree. A few things I found comforting that you might too:

1) The reading, therapy and introspection that you've done probably put you in the top 1% of people aware of what it takes to make a relationship a success, that knowledge will guide you

2) Dating at our age versus in your 20's has got to be a whole different world. The people are going to be more mature and more aware of who they are.

3) Internet dating has got to make things a lot easier. Before services like Match, where were you going to find singles our age looking for longer term relationships? Now you can see pictures and read profiles in advance including what their expectations are.

In terms of "the rules" for when sex should happen etc I wouldn't sweat it. Let it happen when you want it to and not before. You have a lot to offer and I'm sure that will be very apparent to any potential suitor. I agree with 2tp, from your postings it feels like you have to let him go now, even if you will one day reconcile with him. Being a good provider just isn't enough.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Good Piecing 9/11 - 6/12
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Piecing Again 9/12

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#2236132 - 04/07/12 07:20 AM Re: Hoping 4 [Re: adinva]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: adinva
I offered to drive H to the airport, in between meeting a temp at the office and moderating a conference call. He accepted; seems to like the door to door service over getting a taxi. I was happy to do it. The drive was pretty quiet and I told him "have a good trip" when he got out and got his bag out of the back.

I feel kind of numb about the fact that we don't touch or show any affection toward each other.

In the past we would have acted exactly the same way and I'd have been content to have such a relaxed and comfortable relationship. We would have definitely kissed before parting, but not likely a really romantic kiss, just a business-like peck. In the past I'd have expected him to call and let me know how his flight was or say hi to the kids, and now there's none of that. It just seems like what used to be comfortable relaxedness is now a wall between us.

I feel numb about that too. I feel like it's "out of my sandbox."

I'd love for there to be a magical turnaround where he decides he'd walk over hot coals to be with me if that's what it took. I'm worth that. I don't see it coming from him.


I kind of in the same boat as you Ad. I really dislike the coldness and lack of affection and care. It's getting to me big time - so much that I too feel quite numb.

I am pretty sure it is just major protection on my part.

I'm also considering possible dating - just to get my heart started up with the possibility of opening up again. I too would love my H to walk over hot coals, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

I don't mind being alone - this is where we differ. I have no problem at all being alone and spending time with myself. I always find something to do. What I miss is the excitement of sharing what I do with someone else. So, when I get nothing but a cold shoulder or cold emails - I'd really rather not have anything at all because it just makes my heart go further underground.

So what is hard is keeping yourself available for your H, but getting little - if any - affection in return.

I saw my H on Wednesday. He came over to pick up the car for the Easter weekend. We were sitting and chatting and as I was chatting with him, I realised my foot was touching his leg. As soon as I realised that, I pulled it away. I don't like feeling like I have to pull myself back but then I don't want rejection over and over again either. Not a great choice to have to make.

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