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#2233893 - 03/28/12 12:32 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Well she booked another lawyer consultation for 3 pm tomorrow. How do you guys hold your spirits up after that?

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#2233894 - 03/28/12 12:36 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
By detaching. Hang in there net.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2233897 - 03/28/12 12:45 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Well she booked another lawyer consultation for 3 pm tomorrow.

And life will go on. You have a L, right? What do you think will happen at this consultation that will make things so different from how they are now?

Quote:
How do you guys hold your spirits up after that?

I don't think anyone is expecting you to keep your spirits up. This is a very painful thing, expect it to hurt... A LOT. Once you accept that and quit fighting it, things gets better.

Don't borrow trouble, stop worrying until you have something to worry about.

Take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233901 - 03/28/12 12:54 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: labug]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
LA. I do have a lawyer for my personal protection when i moved out not to "file" a divorce. I don't know how to answer your question "what do you think will happen at this consultation that will make things so different from how they are now"

I guess maybe I worry she will file. She threaten to take kids overnights from me. Stuff like that.

That is the key. Quit fighting. I'm a fighter. Fighting gets me no where. Its my kids that make it tough. Really really tough. They miss me badly

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#2233913 - 03/28/12 01:22 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: netmaster
"what do you think will happen at this consultation that will make things so different from how they are now"

I guess maybe I worry she will file.


And then what will happen? Face that possibility.

Quote:
She threaten to take kids overnights from me. Stuff like that.
Have you done anything that might make that a possibility?

What does your L say about this? It might be best to get concrete answers instead of relying on all this free-floating anxiety to rule your life.

That is the key. Quit fighting. I'm a fighter. Fighting gets me no where. Its my kids that make it tough. Really really tough. They miss me badly [/quote]

You're scared and that's OK. Stay with that, dig and find out what you are really afraid of. Then figure out what you need to do. Try to stop wishing things were different and deal with the situation you have.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233917 - 03/28/12 01:37 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: labug]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
My L did say that is most likely not the case. I'm good father with a flexible schedule.

Why do I still feel this marriage is salvageable LA?

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#2233961 - 03/28/12 03:28 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
One HUGE mistake I keep slipping up on even though with my counselor I am trying SO hard not to do is periodically calling her mother for information to solve my own selfish daily anxiety. I KNOW why I do it but I keep slipping up on it and it makes things even worse for me. Why the F can't I just let it go and let things happen. It drives me crazy. This is why I need a day job. I have way to much time on my hand. I am so angry with myself for calling her and even having urges to call her. I KNOW it doesn't help. I know it makes things worse and I continue to slip up.

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#2233978 - 03/28/12 04:41 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: netmaster
One HUGE mistake I keep slipping up on even though with my counselor I am trying SO hard not to do is periodically calling her mother for information to solve my own selfish daily anxiety. I KNOW why I do it but I keep slipping up on it and it makes things even worse for me. Why the F can't I just let it go and let things happen. It drives me crazy. This is why I need a day job. I have way to much time on my hand. I am so angry with myself for calling her and even having urges to call her. I KNOW it doesn't help. I know it makes things worse and I continue to slip up.


I am by no means an expert NM, however I'm going to offer you my $0.02. I'm going to pre-emptively apologize if anything I have to say stings, but I need you to know I really am trying to help you.

It appears to me that you're allowing your anxiety to control your behaviour. Obsessiveness is anxiety driven behaviour. You need to get that under control because right now you're allowing it to control you. You need to ask yourself: What is stronger, me or my anxiety? And what do I want to be in control, me or my anxiety? I am not totally familiar with your sitch, so forgive me for saying this, but I think you need to hear it: Whatever it is you're doing is clearly not working for you. If you're not taking antianxiety medication, I urge you to reconsider. There's no shame in accepting help when needed, a person does not get extra bonus points for trying to manage the unmanageable without help. If you're taking antianxiety meds, they're not working. I strongly suggest you discuss with your doctor switching to a different med.

Codependence is a real bugger, I know, I struggle with it myself. But I think you need to understand that by trying to control others and the situation, you're really allowing others and the situation to control you. People are going to do what they're going to do whether you try to influence them or not. Life is going to happen whether or not you're around. So stop wasting your energy and refocus it to controlling yourself and your own behaviours. If you directed even a fraction of the amount of energy you consume in trying to control the uncontrollable, you just might have some energy left to control your own behaviour and be able to resist urges to call your MIL.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm being too blunt and if any of this stings, but I can see that you're really struggling and might need to hear it straigforward.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2233983 - 03/28/12 04:59 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Dory]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Dory you are NOT being blunt. It is spot on. I KNOW this. I am counseling twice a week and believe me I know everything you saying is 100% correct.

I am reading a good book on codependence now. I realize all the things I'm doing WRONG but i slip up.

I am trying very hard to rectify it. I know the more I try to control situation the worse I make it

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#2233992 - 03/28/12 06:19 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10953
"Well mr b you are assuming she is cheating right now."

No. You are.

"To be honest at the time I wasn't luring her away. We worked together and I was just being myself."

But at the time she was married and even though she was "coming on to you" it doesn't mean that you act on it.

"but I fell in love with her."

No you either felt like you were rescuing her or that you really wanted her but "tried" to stay away under the cover of decency because she was "married". If you knew she was married, regardless of her issues, you should have cleared away.

Look the point is that all the crap she told you about the XH was probably not all true. She's spewing about you the same way she did about the XH and is telling anyone who will listen.

So the only option you really have is to let go. You snoop through her mom, you worry about her seeing a L. In the end it doesn't matter what she does. What are you going to do to detach in a healthy way. In fact, you keep saying about how your W is bi-polar, but you have shown bi-polar tendencies this whole time. One minute you're fine, then the next you're angry.

You're the one who needs the help right now. Not her.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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