First of all - mykarma you are VERY correct. I too am convinced that his insecurities have gotten the best of him. I don't know how long it will take him to get out of this state - maybe 2 years, who knows. It's already been about a year of this. But, you know, the crazy thing is that I am willing to go in the direction of divorce if that would help him in exercising his will in life. It is a misguided way of exercising one's will, but to him it might give him a sense of victory. I'm certainly not going to hurry that process along at all, instead, just let him move with his convictions without kicking up a big fuss about it (I'm still a tad uncertain about that though).
Meanwhile, I have been just getting on with my life while he is out 'exercising his will'. I had a look at a rental property that I felt comfortable with. Currently, I am living in our mutual rental property out in the stix. While I love this property for so many reasons (and have told my H so a few times now), I do need to move back into the city because I'm too far out from everyone. Also, I am sick and tired of the commute that takes way too much time out of the day. I hope he doesn't take it badly (given his insecurities). Still, being single again I want to be closer to my family again, and be more available to attend the various events that are always going on. So, I put a bid down for the new property and I will hear tomorrow. Finger's crossed!!
I let my H know that I was looking, and that I put a rental offer down. He wrote back saying what a nice looking property it was etc. Then, he tacked on the end of the email that he spoke to the lawyer who pretty much confirmed what I had said to him re the financial settlement. He was not happy about the law. I hope he realises now that I am not being unfair (or bitter for that matter). I am willing to work with him as long as it is fair - and have told him so. But, I have to look after myself of course too!!
I spoke to him this evening about the move. He seemed genuinely interested and we talked about it at length. He is helping out with the move, and we got into our 'team mode' when organising a big event. We work really well together on that front - and are in total natural synch. We have always been really good with logistics and who does what and when. I love it!! A true partner in many ways. We talked for about an hour, and I felt quite a lot of love in my heart for him. We really are good friends - already. It's the romance I am after as well though
We had talked about the Easter break coming up and what he wanted to do. He has finally decided to go see him mother. I don't suggest anything anymore
My fondest desire is this:
I move into my new place, and I really dig into my new life. We have an excellent move (which we will because we are really good at that sort of this). He realises the fun we could have dating again, and that we slowly start up again - SLOWLY. It would be nice for him to take responsibility for his insecurities (that he is currently projecting all over the place), as this might be the sticking point that could make a hell of a lot of work for me.
PS - we had a one hour conversation tonight btw, and there was no D talk or financial settlement discussion. We talked about his job and what he's doing there, and what is going on with him generally. He sounded good. It was a really comfortable and cozy conversation.
He has now been texting me about watching certain channels on TV - a comedy. It's really sweet thinking that he is watching the same thing I am watching. I had to share that here because I don't want to get all gushy with him (too soon).
When I see that I put all my control issues on a leash, life gets easier, and I get lighter.
It reminds me, maybe I will do a list of what works baby steps tomorrow just to keep my motivation up in this process. Has anyone else done that kind of list?
PS - we had a one hour conversation tonight btw, and there was no D talk or financial settlement discussion. We talked about his job and what he's doing there, and what is going on with him generally. He sounded good. It was a really comfortable and cozy conversation.
Hi YC
That sounds really positive, talking for that long and it felt comfortable. You are definitely on the right track by taking these baby steps forward.
I've got my fingers crossed for you that things keep getting better.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I'm so glad to hear you had a great conversation with your H with no D talk!!
I'm praying for your M!!!
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Thanks hopeandpraying!! I shall put in some prayers for everyone here.
Journal entry: I had a facial today, and enjoyed that very much. Memories started bubbling up though as I was relaxing on the table. When my H and I would go on holiday, we'd usually get facials or other wellbeing treatments together. When on holiday we did soooo much together - like joined at the hip kind of together. It wasn't quite like that though during 'normal' living - what with jobs etc.
Later in the day, I was cooking a wonderful meal for myself, then bang! I started remembering that most of the spices that I have are from our travels.
So, those memories were coming up and I had a little cry. It will help when I get a new place.
He has my juicer there at his place, but that's about it. Oh, some of my things are still there too (clothes), so there is a trace of me there.
I was like, "Was it really so bad that he had to leave?" Well, obviously yes - to him. Then, i started thinking about his reasons for leaving again, and he said things like, "We don't make each other happy." Well, there's no use arguing about it now. Still, I do have to say he was very doom and gloom about it - which is why I feel that he has a protective filter on his perception.
I do get him. I was the one who broke-up our M 1.5 years ago by separating from him. He hasn't recovered since, and has become ultra sensitive and self-protective. Why did I do that? At that time, because he wasn't listening (looking back now, I didn't speak in a way that would allow him to listen). I was the one who felt unappreciated at that time. Now, it's his turn. I feel guilt for starting this whole series of events.
I spoke to my coach today who gave me a good technique to balance out the chakras when these feelings start. So, I will be doing that tonight before bed.
Anyway...
I have plans for the next couple of days - keeping myself busy and social.
I haven't heard about the property I put an offer on. Hopefully I'll get some news this weekend.
I hope you get good news about the rental property closer to the city & your friends and family. That would be such a boost for you if that went through.
I'm feeling a bit more positive today, must be something to do with the good weather we are having over here in England (it's very rare to get a week of sunshine over here - ;-) )
I know what your talking about with the insecurities your H is feeling. I'm trying really hard to work on them. I think I'm going to take some self confidence and assertiveness courses in the summer. I think the key for your H just like me is letting go of the guilt and focusing on being a better person. Someone that wants to look their best for their W, who wants her to be proud and admire him, someone who treats their W good, and puts their W's happiness as a priority. Someone who makes you feel special being around them, someone they desire and cherish openly and freely.
This is what I want for my M more than anything, but I'm going to have to be patient with my W and keep working, just like you and you H, until hopefully they are ready to let go of their fear and live through the highs and lows of a M.
All these things that I want, I want them for you YC & I know that when your H wakes up, you are going to make each other so happy and he will be your man for the rest of your lives.
Stay positive & keep your fingers crossed on that property.
Bill
Me 34 W 32 D 9 S 6 M: 9 years T: 12 Bomb: 02/11/12 EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing Moved out: Oct 2012 Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13
I really hope that I can see myself through this. Some days I feel stronger than other days, and I'm so glad I can just write everything out here instead of sending umpteen emails to my H. I think I will read DB again for extra support today.
So today I am having a slightly shakey day. There has been very little contact between my H and I since Monday - just kind of cold stuff coming from him. My brother was in hospital yesterday and that was pretty tough. He's going to be ok in the end. I texted my H and he was just a bit flippant about it - which caught me 'off guard'. I didn't respond to his flippancy.
So, I'm a bit concerned because early in this process (before DB) I cut myself off from my H in many ways - to guard myself from confusion and hurt. A part of me is just wanting to forget about it all because I feel I have made too many mistakes and I'm not sure I will succeed in the end. Is there too much water under the bridge? I also worry that by the time everything is said and done, I will be so exhausted and exasperated. I worry that my H is turning into someone I no longer know.
I want to pull back and backtrack so I worry it might not see the my H in my future. This is me right now - loaded with doubt. Thanks for listening.
I completely understand your worry that your H is turning into someone you do not know. That is what I am feeling now and I'm loaded with doubt and hopelessness. Just know that you're not alone.
Keep staying strong and detaching yourself. That's where I am at, too! I have not texted with my H since Monday also and it was about our dog and then for him to give me lame excuses that he couldn't go on a date (which he agreed to in DB counseling..uggghh). It's a tough process, but if he wants me in the end and I can forgive, then I know we'll be great, but if not, I'll be better off without all of this pain.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
I get you h&p. Some days are tough. I'm pretty sure someone on his end is pulling his strings. Not sure who yet, but I sense that. I take my mind off of it quite easily actually because I know it won't last long.
Eventually, I want him to want it - but that is just too much to ask at this point I know. So, once again - patience! Not my strongest point I must admit.
A friend is coming over in a few minutes and I will get out of this funk I'm in - which will be sooooo nice!
