Its part of the justification process.... and your wife was one of those who had unreasonable reasons for wanting out, I remember (was it that you did not bring her to the right supermarket?) just like the one in the MLC for dummies post.
I wouldn't be surprised if she one day complains about something silly like the color of your front door and use it as an excuse not to drop of your kids.....
Misery loves company, so stay away!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
XW brought S17 back tonight. He spent the entire Spring Break with her. I found out that XW told S17 on Wednesday that "it is time" for S17 to meet OM. She had him over for dinner last week and S17 met him. I don't know why, but this kind of p!sses me off. She still denies that she left me for him. (Found him on a dating site and left me before she even met him.)
You don't know why this bothers you?
You intellectually realize she is a single woman and she can date or sleep with anyone she wants. She can also introduce anyone she cares to introduce to her sons...you KNOW this.
But yet it still bothers you and you say you "don't know why"...but you do know why.
You have not detached from her. Period. At first, the concept of detachment probably threw you off. It's a novel theory and in practice it's very hard for all of us at first.
by now though, you know how to do it.
But you choose not to. For some reason you choose the pain of hanging on, even in the face of her clear absence,
over the unknown &possible happiness of detaching/moving on.
Why you do THAT^^, is the real question.
Anyways, everyone on this board has told me to detach and not be around when she brings S17 to my house or picks him up. I've been doing what everyone says and tonight she complained about it. 3 quick things. First, you have done SOME of what we suggested...
Meaning, You were not physically present when she stopped by b/c it seemed you could not handle her presence in the past. Too upsetting.
So Okay - you did a self protective act and you removed yourself. That's fine, 2) But that is NOT detachment 3) "she complained" to which I would reply, "so what?" Which goes back to #2, DETACH
I was gone when she dropped of S17. (I planned it that way.) She had the following conversation with S21:
XW: Where's your father?
S21: At GF's house.
XW: Does he purposely disappear when I come over?
S21: I don't know.
XW: It seems that way.
S21. I guess.
XW: Well I think it is pretty immature that he is gone every time I come over.
Couple of things:
1) I was here the last time. I just didn't go outside.
2) The other times that she is here, I've been working. What is the big deal? Why is she so high and mighty calling me childish? She didn't want me in her life so why does she care if I am here or not?
Who cares about any of this^^^? Why do you spend so much of your precious time trying to
comprehend the incomprehensible/inconsequential?
that's precious time (tomorrow is promised to no one) you could have been GAL for real.
You could be creating a new life and letting go of the old (and stop making excuses for not having music in your life)....
you could be showing your son's your strengths and talents, which sons NEED/WANT from their fathers
I think your son's choices to be with her, at times,
is not due to her brainwashing but by you staying stuck in "SadVille", Population you.
If son says "Mom said you did an evil thing in 1999 on New Years eve"...
or some such nonsense from the past.
You can say "Wow son, I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm surprised she's still holding onto that, & I'm sorry if it upset you"...and move on.
You'll show your son the dignity of NOT bad mouthing the ex, you won't be admitting something that isn't true, and you are apologizing for your marital crap hurting his feelings if it does.
Model calm strength from you and that will do more for your r than anything else I can think of.
As for meeting OM...what's your real fear? That he's uber rich, uber cool, uber loving, uber smart, uber kind, uber well built, uber kind to your ex wife...and if ALL these things are true, then what?
You fear your son will choose him as his father? Your son isn't so young as to be confused about who his dad is. Dad's always win with their sons, if they are strong.
It's weakness that frightens the sons/daughters and wives the most, imo b/c we look to h's and fathers as protectors. Whether it's providing a home or simply reassuring a scared kid, or not emotionally collapsing b/c someone comes over
and not retreating b/c she comes over...we look to our men for strength. We want to admire them.
And when we sense weakness in our protector, we recoil.
Pity is not something you want from your sons or ex wife.
I read somewhere that pity is one step from contempt.
Show no concern about her lies b/c the more you project that YOU KNOW they are lies the more believable YOU become. You can show surprise, and maybe even amusement at how wacky she is...
The calmer you are in the face of those crazy lies, the stronger & more confident & MORE believable, you look.
That's why the endless "WHY IS SHE DOING THIS???" is so destructive to YOUR cause...
Stop caring about it, or at least stop showing that you care.
End the talk with your son BEFORE he tells you what she said. Who cares?
Don't hang onto the crumbs and stare at them for meaning...there is no meaning.
It's just your life being spent in "reactive" mode, and staring at crumbs instead of taking charge of it.
Those questsions you ask about "WHY SHE" does/says, all reek of low self esteem and 2nd guessing about your worth...so to your sons,
Your concern over what she says/does/feels or thinks or introduces OM to...are fueling the belief that you are hanging onto her every action and word and that you'd take her back in a heartbeat if you could
and that you have not changed at all... If you don't DETACH, asap,
your r's with your sons may get very damaged and that's not all on her.
when the boys come home and repeat a comment from her -
You can contrast her vicious comments with calm, or say "she's STILL hanging onto THAT claim?" and shake your head and let it go...
showing how she is living in the past, not you. And that there may be dispute about the actual event,
but you won't get into details b/c it's beneath you. Oh and btw, you don't care anymore!
or if truly necessary, sincerely express concern for her stuckness...NOT YOURS... so maybe a reply like this... "Wow son, she's STILL holding onto anger about something she [i]thinks happened long ago...I've found I can't do a thing about her recall.... So son, where are we eating dinner tonight??"[/i]
If your son tries to bait you into directly criticizing her, do not take the bait.
You will look so much more heroic...I'm not saying to lie for her.
But don't attack her. To him or anyone else.
Boys want to believe their moms are pure of heart and that their dads are protectors.
Do your part. Be stronger. And Tad, please,
DETACH...have you read up on it enough or what? Is it something you don't "Grok" or what? Have you hired a DB coach?
I see a lot of excuses for why you won't/cant' be happy yet...all about her and how she prevents it b/c music is ruined for you. Seriously?
I can see SOME music for AWHILE bothering you. But Man, you STILL give her all that power over your life.
Why? Why do you fear taking charge of your life and happiness? IS misery so familiar to you now that losing it would mean what?
You could not still be a victim, that's true. You'd have only yourself to be accountable to and for, so the r's in your life are all up to you...is that frightening?
Surely what's happening now cannot be more appealing. (Seriously, Is it more appealing to live your life this way?) Take your power back. Be in charge of your life. Start being happy. And strong.
keep your r's with your boys intact by not letting HER or anything else get inside your heart.
The better/sooner you detach
the more you will be fully present and focussed on your boys.
As for hiding out when she comes, if the alternative is falling apart I guess hiding is better.
But it looks weak.
When you detach, you'll be able to handle so much more. Her presence or absence will be no more noticeable than the clouds in the sky. If you look you can see them but they make no difference...
She told S17 that she wants him for Easter Weekend. I don't think I'm going to go along with that because she had him last Easter.
I find myself getting angry again.....
Tad ask your son what HE wants...and read this post again, please.
I know you get a lot of posts but this one took a long time for me to write and it got deleted so I had to do it again.
I really want to reach you Tad. And I haven't so far. And it's frustrating.
Especially b/c you are teaching 3 young men how to be dependent on a woman who mistreats them.
You are teaching them that your self esteem is tied to a wacky woman and that it's "normal" to analyze things that make no sense but to keep repeating it...
and you are teaching your sons
you would rather hang on to a known miserable past,
then let go of it, to create a new, better life.
It's time to stop caring what she says or does. It's time to take charge of your life and not even mention what's going on in hers.
GAL, create some happiness. Aristotle said "happiness is a virtue" b/c it does not just land on your lap.
you DO have to create it AND you can
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi Tad, I just wanted to let you know I fully understand how detatchment is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
When we have to see the WAS's, it's uncomfortable.
When the WAS starts in again, it pushes serious buttons.
What do you think YOU NEED in order to heal from this? What do YOU need to help you get some better detatchment under your belt so you can move forward a little better? Total NC? Boundaries set to where she doesn't come to your house anymore? Neutral drop/off pick up places for the boys?
Once I figured out what I needed in order to heal, and started implementing it, I started healing and detatching. I still have a ways to go but Im alot better!
I'd like to recommend a book, maybe you've heard of it. It's called The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley.
This book really helped me understand the buttons that get pushed when I have to be around my ex. When I start getting really Pissed Off about something with him, especially trivial, I step back and ask myself WHY. And it can take a while to figure out why sometimes, maybe even a few weeks.
In my case I feel alot of my detatchment issues have really been revolving around my self esteem being very poor. As my self esteem has improved, my detatchment has become greater.
IMO, you've been horribly abused by this woman. It has shaken you to your core and you have scars and wounds that don't really seem to have a chance to heal before she does something again. Yet you're still having to share your kids and the slightest thing will set you off...or salt in wounds.
It's hard when the kids come home and start passing on what the ex has done or said. It also takes time Tad, it just takes time.
IMO, you've been horribly abused by this woman. It has shaken you to your core and you have scars and wounds that don't really seem to have a chance to heal before she does something again. Yet you're still having to share your kids and the slightest thing will set you off...or salt in wounds.
It's hard when the kids come home and start passing on what the ex has done or said. It also takes time Tad, it just takes time.
Exactly right. I see the same in you, Tad and in myself sometimes (still). It takes time AND effort.
25 speaks wisdom my friend. To add, might I suggest something Kimmerz said about buttons? Jack had something about that - his was along the lines of circuits. But the concept holds.
One at a time or faster, remove the buttons she can push. What 25 is telling you is true - be strong for yourself and your boys. Kimmerz is right as well that you have years of scars and wounds and she continues to wound. But she is crazy Tad. At least toward you. Don't let her have that effect. Remove the buttons she *can* push. Start with the ones you know and then go to the ones that she finds that you forgot about. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen faster as you work on it.
You have tried the rest, right? Try removing the buttons she can press. Try being the strong and life-loving man you know you really are.
Don't be afraid to keep at it and to try until you get it right. Don't be afraid of anything, Tad. Nothing left to be afraid of.
Nothing left but you and the man that can and will be better and stronger than ever before.
Get started Tad. One button at a time...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hey Tad, I also wanted to pass on a little wisdom my aunt gave to me and I now see it.
Each time a new sitch comes with the Ex's that pushes a button, it will hurt a little less, and a little less the next time, and a little less the next time.
Emotional and verbal abuse eats at your soul and every fiber of your being. Abusers want us to feel like crap Tad. They are bullies and want to control everything. However the basis of their control issues more than likely is just fear alone. You know my IC told me that one thing I had to work towards acceptance on was that people are capable of doing these horrible things.....even the people we love and trusted the most, our spouses.
I guess it's part of us getting a thicker skin. It just takes as much time as it takes for us. I tell ya I feel like I've fallen down and scraped up my knees so many times through out this last year, I don't know how Im still walking...or have skin left on my knees!
Id like to make a suggestion, though you've probably already done this. The next time you have any twinge of anger, confusion, or huge irriation with whatever weird crap she throws your way, take some time to read. Then read up on Emotional and Verbal Abuse. Google up "why abusers abuse".
Just to let you know, after starting up communication with my Ex these past few months, it got me in such a tither I had to start up on antidepressants again....thank God they worked this time!He's been unusually nice to me for over 2 months and it made me a nervous wreck. It sounds so crazy but I trust him more when he acts like he hates me or is rude than when he's nice to me. Guess I know I can depend on him to hate me, resent me, blame me for all his misery in life, be criticized for everything I am and I do and for him to think Im the scum of the earth. When he's nice, I get scared to death....why? Because this is what he's done. Hate me, leave me, come back and be nice a while and then it starts again.
Now how's that for scars?
Tad no one is perfect in their marriage. We are human and we make mistakes. But how those mistakes are handled, dealt with and resolved between both parties has everything to do with whether or not our relationships mend or not. It takes a level of maturity, rationality, forgivness, kindness, compassion, and love. People get hurt, but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle things.
MLC insanity spew IS NOT the way to handle things.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for this link AJM. Things to really think about.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
