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#2234369 - 03/30/12 08:48 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8381
Loc: Sonoran Desert
You stay on your course, no matter what she does.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234383 - 03/30/12 10:31 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: netmaster


Dori my counselor is working on my deep rooted childhood issues which he believes will help me with my current anxiety. My control and anxiety are tied to these abusive childhood upbringings.


Sorry netmaster, I didn't realize that this was your current focus in therapy. Your levels of anxiety are much more understandable to me now. Of course, you are the best person to determine this, but do you think that now is the best time to be resurrecting childhood traumas? Trauma work is intense and unsettling enough as it is, I'm just not sure if doing this sort of work while in the midst of a marital crisis is doing you more harm than good right now.

This is just my opinion and you are the expert on you and what you can handle. That being said, I think you could benefit far better from getting your anxiety under control and regain your footing with your current sitch before tackling anything from your past. I really think you would find CBT an enormous help. CBT is based on scientific fact that our thoughts dictate our feelings, so we can change our feelings by changing our thoughts. For this very reason, I don't know that doing any trauma work at this time is helping you in the here and now. Of course, there is a time and place for it and it's absolutely imperative that you process your past and reach a point of acceptance and forgiveness - but doing so is going to fuel anyone's anxiety in even the best of circumstances.

CBT will help you define your maladaptive thinking patterns and teach you ways to redirect yourself to a healthier thought process.

If you're interested, there's an infinite number of free CBT programs online. One that I've found to be the most straightforward is from Australia (I think) called the mood gym. Google Moodgym, it's the first to come up.




Originally Posted By: netmaster
So your saying act as if she is gone and move on and work on me and if she decides to come around then good if not ok


Yes.

Originally Posted By: netmaster
I just have trouble with the lawyer and mediation txt and what to say.
She seems to have this whole thing mapped out


The lawyer, mediation & divorce - leave it for her to arrange & deal with. If she wants it so bad, let her handle it. Don't respond to those texts. Do you hear me? DNR.

Regarding selling the house, assets, etc. - Take the time you need to figure out what it is you want to do and how to handle it and then go from there. Do not rush yourself & think it through. Keep in mind what your ultimate goals are. In my own sitch, our house is currently on the market. I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of selling our home and moving, however, with the goal in mind of R my M, I realize that I really need to choose my battles carefully and in the grand scheme of things, it's just a house, it's just a building.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2234411 - 03/30/12 12:06 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Dory]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Thx Dori. CBT isnt for me. Chi Gong and erasing childhood memories is helping me less codependant and making me understand I do NOT need my W for my happiness. If she wants to leave me then so be it. I am going to work on me. I will not call MIL. I will stay focused on me and my kids going forward. My counselor is amazing and we are making progress. Remember I'm only a few weeks in. But I feel like I am at a better place then I was a month ago.

I do have trouble with the D and M threats but I had some dialogue yesterday that went better. I didn't agree to them just let her knew I respected her feelings and that in the end those are her choices.

I'll report back over the weekend. I'm going to have a good weekend MIL free with friends.

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#2234518 - 03/31/12 12:24 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I did it. Stayed busy all day. No call to MIL. 3 hours of counseling today. Bought a book on Chi and positive energy. Very cool stuff.

Stayed busy. Started to get my business back up and running. Played 9 holes. Played cards. Went out with some friends.

Coaching sons baseball team tomorrow and had civil conversation with W on phone.

Stop fighting and the anxiety flows away.

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#2234551 - 03/31/12 09:06 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8381
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Good job, Net! Success breeds success.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234556 - 03/31/12 09:26 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: labug]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2502
Loc: Piney Land
Wow that is great net. That is how to do it
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2234562 - 03/31/12 10:22 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Rick1963]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Yah. Quit fighting and things get easier . Had a weak moment today but fought it off.

Wife sick her weekend she asked me to take kids to fair. I said yes. Not bitter.

Maybe she'll come around maybe not. But I'm doing my thing.

My son did tell me mom said we all going to Disney one day which I thought was odd

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#2234574 - 03/31/12 11:29 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Yah. Quit fighting and things get easier . Had a weak moment today but fought it off.


That's great, netmaster! Keep fighting off those week moments & you'll find they'll only get further and further apart until one day...Poof! They're gone.

I'm rooting for you!
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2234575 - 03/31/12 11:31 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Dory]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
ugh, won't let me edit. Must remember to proofread. That's weak, not week. wink
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2234608 - 03/31/12 03:51 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 6 [Re: Dory]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Ok here is just what happened and I'm having extreme guilt.

It's her weekend. I picked some up for baseball this am. She was SICK. Flu. So she had planned to take the kids to a fair today. She asked if I could take them so they wouldn't miss it. I said sure no problem. Got to spend a few hours with kids on her day..

Here is the guilt part.. I came home just now and she is really sick. Worse. She says what are your plans later. I said a friend is coming down from the city to play guitar with me. She was asking for my help and I had to say no. Well I didn't say no I just said "we are just playing guitar let me know if things get out of hand"

I feel terrible. No matter how bad she sh*ts on me I still feel bad in this moment. I have extreme guilt. But then part of me is like wait this is the life you wanted. I feel like I am getting pulled in 9 different directions emotionally right now.

Such a good day with kids and helping her but not being available tonight to help sort of bothering me. Even though I know once she feels better she will be back to treat "net" like sh*t W.

Why do I feel guilty right now. I think I did the right thing saying i have plans. Which I do. My friend has been sitting at my house since 1 pm waiting for me because I helped withe the fair.

ughh. I still staying strong but I feel guilt

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