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#2242289 - 05/02/12 09:50 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: workinghardguy
[quote]At this point I value having them know they are loved and cared for over the amorphous odds of not being there impacting my W to the point where she chooses to get back together. I am cognizant of the choice and aware of both sides.

And it's what makes me happy. Being a part of SD's birthday makes me happy. Having my house filled with the kids, the laughing, the squabbles, all of it makes me happy.


I feel the exact same way and I'm on a path to peace and happiness so their are certain things like spending time with my kids that I value more and are more important than the potential relationship effects it could have.

I get where CT is coming from as well and its a tough line to walk. I try to make my decisions based on what I think is best for me and my kids. Whatever happens after that I will accept.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2242481 - 05/02/12 11:32 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: sayitaintso]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
I know Say but don't you just wonder sometimes? It's got to be the hardest part of this ridiculousness. Feeling like doing "right" can also by synonymous with "doing harm". Just frustrating.

Got an email from her tonight (I'm out of town and she has S tonight as a favor to me since it's my night). She brought up filing for the D again. Said she thinks she'll have enough money next paycheck to file or she'll borrow money from her dad.

This time though she couched the filing in doing it for my interest. This way I can move ahead with buying the house. I can pay off my van and get a new vehicle (she's buying out my van with some of the proceeds from her half of my 401k). I can't tell if she's trying to be less cold or trying to angle in that I should pay for it by promoting my self-interest. But I'm just going to ignore it. She'll do what she does. We're still trying to figure out summer care for S so I can't just ignore her email completely.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2242485 - 05/02/12 11:52 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4474
W is simply acting out like a petulant child because you didn't rescue her.

And, perhaps, because you did that rather manipulative -- I get the kid if I pay for the haircut thing. Not pretty. Better to wait until he was with you.

But, mostly I think she's just acting out. She's pissed at you. She's pissed that she's likely questioning her own choices. So, she's making threats.

I promise you, it is NOT about making your life better in any shape or form.

And, you've chosen the right course. Ignore it.

When she files, let your L handle ALL communication. Just trust me on this.
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#2242759 - 05/03/12 11:05 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: oldtimer]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
I've ignored and plan to continue to do so. And I feel like a knuckle-head... how I didn't see it as a pull-back after the haircut thing... seriously, how did I miss that?

And it even fits her pattern. Each time there is a moment where she opens herself up there is an email within a day or two discussing the divorce filing. Though this was by far the nicest tone to one of those emails. Went shopping for S's birthday presents.. two days later D filing email. Had party for S... two days later D filing email. Went shopping for SD's gifts... two days later D filing email. The whole haircut thing, which was by far the most vulnerable moment she's shown me so far, the next day a D filing email. I mean really... how I missed the pattern I don't know.

Anyway, I continue to not understand her. I got home from out of town and had to relay a few things to her about our S (school stuff and he's sick). One of them was that I needed his tennis shoes as he had a nasty-gram from the gym teacher for not having his shoes today and has gym tomorrow (he was at her place last night). I ask her to just leave them on a bench in her garage and we'll swing by the morning to pick them up.

Then 45 minutes later there's a knock on the door... it's her. She brought the shoes over. Ok, thanks. She asks about my trip and about S. She proceeds to go, yet again, into the land of how hard her life is right now. I tell her I need to unpack and go to bed as I was up early and slept poorly last night in the hotel. She apologizes and sees herself out.

WTF.

The hardest part though was when she came in she sat in the big oversized chair. I was sitting at the computer in the computer chair. I can't tell you how many conversations we had over the years sitting just like this. I haven't seen her sitting in that chair in.... months. How I didn't break down I don't know, and why it hit me so hard seeing her there in that chair... man. But it did.

I'm at the point where I miss parts of her. When I picked SS up the other night for his haircut the dark, foul, angry W was present. The one I don't miss. The one that still makes me feel all jittery and angst filled inside. But the pleasant, funny one who was here tonight (at least until she slipped into depressed, sad W) I miss. It's just that they all come together. I don't know if I could ever go back to all of them. Ideally she can get help to banish the dark/bitter/angry versions but that's not been in the cards and doesn't appear to be.

Frustrating.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2243588 - 05/08/12 05:05 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 329
Maybe she is confused about her choices, and after she opens up to you and is warm and pleasant, she realizes what she did, pulls back, and sends another d email to let you know there's still a wall there.

Maybe this is how she's re-setting the distance?

After my first ex walked out on me and his daughter, so he could start his new life, he would contact me in a similar fashion as your w contacts you. He would also come by late at night for these "can we just talk?" episodes. Or there were emails and voice mails. I allowed this to go on because some small part of me had hope inside that the reason he was contacting me meant that he was going to come back to me. I held on to it for a long time until I woke up and realized that for every time he contacted me, a nasty period would follow. I was just putting up with the nasty stuff too long and finally shut him down. Finally got my nerve to just tell him not to contact me unless it's about our daughter. He reacted like a child and threatened to take the car away that we agreed was going to be mine.

After a long time of the back and forth I got tired and decided enough was enough, either he's coming back or I'm moving on.

With my H, it was different. He did not really want to leave (as he revealed in MC), so when I detached, it scared him.

I think you are doing a good job WHG at balancing all of this. I hope I did not come off as detachment as being easy because it is not. It's the hardest thing ever, especially with kids involved. It's so hard to know what to do in each situation that comes up. I have found myself sitting alone thinking.... if I do this, what will happen. If I do that... then what! It's very stressful.

Do some good things for you WHG. Don't forget to take care of you, and do special things for you too.

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#2245575 - 05/16/12 08:36 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: Ctflor]
OneLessWife Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 133
WHG where are you? Are you doing ok?
_________________________
M 51
W 53
T 25
M 23
D22,D20,D18,D16,D13
Bomb dropped May/10
Moved out July/10
OM discovered July/10
W let's OM move in 02/11
I filed for the big D on 072111
Divorce Final October 20,2011

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#2245578 - 05/16/12 08:57 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: OneLessWife]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Hey WHG- Hope all is well!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2245608 - 05/16/12 10:00 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: sayitaintso]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Thanks guys... yes, I'm alive smile That's funny, I popped on here today thinking "geez... it's been a while since I've been on the boards." I've got a low-impact day today... I should catch up and post an update smile

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I last updated... I don't think I've ever gone that long before. Things have more or less fallen into a routine of sorts I guess. The schedule W and I have with our S works. He seems to be doing okay with break up, though who can really tell. Every so often he talks about how he hates the divorce. Or tells me that divorces break up families. Last week he devised a plan where I would buy a house out in the country. Then we could all be together again because he knows mommy wants to live out in the country. Sorry kid... if only that would do it.

I get time with SS and SD sparingly. That remains the most depressing part of this whole process. The last two weeks have been harder as my W's work schedule has moved around so now it's one day a week. SS at least gets to do the volunteer group every other weekend so he sleeps over every other Friday and goes with me Saturday mornings.

Mother's Day was hard I'll admit. I always loved Mother's Day and would plan for months what my gift would be. Of course not this year (well, except for my mom) smile S insisted though that we needed to get mom a gift. He made a gift box at school and wanted something in it. So I caved and took him to the store. He kept looking at $100 necklaces. Finally I gave him $10 and told him to pick something out. Of course he's 6 so he still wanted help.

He also was adamant that he give his gift and card (that he made) to her on Mother's Day (though it was my weekend). So I texted my W the night before and told her that our S wanted her to stop by before she went to work. I was surprised that she said she had stopped by that morning to say hi, but we were gone (which we were). I think Mother's Day weekend with no kids was really getting to her. Anyway, it went well. S and her visited for a bit. We chatted a few minutes and she was on her way. Church that morning was hard though as it was about mothers, and it just hurt that my S's mother had opted out of being there and out of the family.

Another funny/awkward moment was the day before Mother's Day. S and I were out for a bike ride. He found some wild flocks and picked them. He wanted to stop by my W's house (we were two blocks away) and leave the flowers in a vase for mom. That seemed creepy to me... even though it was from S... so we settled on leaving them in her mailbox and a text message from S to her that he left them for her.

So what else is new... guess not much. Bought a trail-a-bike for my S. Best $200 I've spent in a long time. We go on 5-6 mile bike rides together now. He loves it and good fun for me. Certainly not JB-level riding, but hey, I've got a six year old on the back smile

GAL is going good... seem constantly busy. Still missing just outright "fun" activities (like parties, out for dinner, etc...) but other fun activities are filling the time. Doing a lot of work with my volunteer group. Last month I was asked to be part of a six-person national workgroup working on improving our youth program so I spent four days in Alabama meeting the group. That same weekend my chapter of the youth group won the award for the best youth programming/group in Wisconsin.

Still no change on the divorce front. Just last night W mentioned again that she's so broke she can't afford to file. While I know she's broke (last week she had a letter on the counter showing she bounced $125 in checks) I'm not buying it. This isn't to say she doesn't believe it... I think she just feels she has her necessary space and isn't driven anymore to D. Not that she doesn't want to or isn't planning on it, just that it's not a priority. I've seen how she spends her money and there a number of things she's prioritized ahead of that. Her dad would give her the $200 in a heartbeat, but still nothing. And it cuts both ways... I could pay for it at any point. But I've set the boundary that I won't pay for a divorce I don't want. At the same time that's just a convenient way of not having to face whether it should happen.

I keep getting pressure from friends and co-workers to file. "I'm a catch" according to many... a job, only one kid, smart, upwardly mobile, paid well, own a house, etc... That there'd be lots of women hoping to find a guy like me. But honestly I still get tired when I think of someone else. A new relationship means investing yourself and I just don't have the capital right now to invest. I'm also not willing to give up yet... just live my life and see where things go. Ride the ride as it were.

W and I pretty much don't talk unless it's kid related. It's still a little odd when she gets home and I'm there after having put all the kids to bed. She likes to launch into her life's dramas. But I keep it short and leave. I was surprised that she asked on Monday if I was ok because my car had been in the driveway all day. As it turns out I was sick and sleeping all day.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2245612 - 05/16/12 10:11 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
One other observation I wanted to share that I find weird... my W keeps texting and Facebook messaging with my brother and niece. I have no idea what that's about...

my brother is going through rough times... and she'll just shoot him messages of support and ask how it's going. It's not an attraction thing and he lives a few hundred miles away.

My niece lives closer. She always looked up to my W. Now she is very angry with her because of what my W has done. But my W sends her messages saying how proud she is of her for her success at college, etc...

This completely confuses me. I find it funny too that she talks to my relatives more than me smile

And they think she's nuts.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2247002 - 05/20/12 11:42 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Trying not to make it weeks between postings... but so very busy right now. I volunteered for a number of projects and they all are coming due at the same time.... not enough hours in the day!

This strange little detente with my W continues. Last week took my S on a 16 mile bike ride... he was one tired little man when we got home smile During the ride we took a break and he suddenly decided to start asking me about the divorce. He told me he hates mommy and is angry with her for causing the divorce. This is the first time I've heard this from him... I didn't really know what to say. At first I told him not to hate mommy, but then remembered the readings and my counselor telling me that I shouldn't tell him how to feel. So instead I tried to explain that mommy is doing what she thinks is best, and encouraged him to talk to her about it.

Since then I've been wrestling with whether I should share this with my W or not. It's a new expression from him we haven't seen to date. So far I haven't shared it... while I wouldn't intend the sharing to seem punitive or hurtful I can't seem to find a way where it doesn't seem like that.

Thursday was interesting as W came over so we could jointly meet with the summer babysitter. God bless my S, he cooks up little strategies... I ran the babysitter home while W stayed with S. When I got back S asked if we could go out to dinner. It was pretty late so I said yes. Turns out he'd already secured a commitment from my W to go out with us if I said yes. I said that was fine but mommy probably was busy. My W said that she was free and she could go with if S wanted. So we all went out to dinner. It was fine and pleasant.

One of the people I work closely with as part of the school board had his wife pass away last week after a long fight with cancer. She was only 52 and they were such a great couple. I went to the reception for her passing and that was an emotional affair. It felt so odd going without a spouse or SO. The husband knows about my separation so as I came up to him the first thing he asked was how I was doing. He's such a nice guy... his wife passes away but he's asking me how I'm doing. I barely kept it together and just said fine and turned it back to his wife and his kids.

Spent Friday with all the kids because W worked. Saturday I had my youth group with my SS (who spent the night with me Friday night). Today no kids and I did house stuff and some GAL. Received a text from my W mid-day asking if I wanted the kids for a few hours because she wasn't feeling well. I was in the middle of GAL so I didn't answer. I got home and a bit before dinner (about four hours later) I texted my W and asked if she would mind if the kids came over for a little while. I needed SS's help on a project for our youth group and I hadn't seen my SD except for the little bit on Friday. We had fun playing Star Wars Kinect and my SS helped search the web for videos of F-16s.

When she came over to pick them up she came inside and spent a little while at my house watching the kids play Kinect. I feel bad for her because she's so unhappy. She's as unhappy now as she was when we were together. Her friends aren't responsive to her. I'm guessing it's because she unloads on them as she used to unload on me (and still tries to). And it's just not cheery to listen to that over and over... and I'm sure that's doubly so when your wounds are self-inflicted (as much of her lamentation these days is about being poor).

She looks like she's aged 5 years in the past three months... Dang... I just realized today is 3 months since she moved out. Well no wonder I've been so emotional this weekend. Anyway, she just always so stressed and stretched thing. I can't do anything about it really, but it's still hard to watch someone you care about struggle. It's harder knowing you could do something about it (I could give her more money every month) but that you don't. Not that this makes me bad, but it's still hard.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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