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#2236406 - 04/09/12 01:44 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Well I got into a little bit a a heated text battle with my W a day or so ago. My W likes to call to talk to my S at random times everyday and while I'm fine with it also makes things hard because I have to explain to my S where she is every time.


You need to let these go to voice mail. Then call back later that day when your busy. Be polite ,short and to the point. Then end the conversation.

Anyway my W called and talked to my S and hangs up immediately so she can avoid communication with me.
Originally Posted By: Snowman
I texted her to inform her the doctor office called to give her results from her appointment and to say that it would have been nice if she could of informed me of her decision about moving ahead with the divorce instead of hearing it from my lawyer like I politely asked her last time we talked. She said she had called the doctors office for the results, thanks and that she didn't want to have the conversation over the phone. I'm sorry. My thoughts are she would rather just let me find out through her lawyer rather than telling me because she is chicken, my opinion.


Why are you doing this to yourself? Doctors and lawyers. ON the doctors. Next time one calls. Just tell her to update her number, hope things are ok. . And after that. Her problem.

The lawyers. This is what lawyers do. It is how it is done. Communicate through your lawyer.

Originally Posted By: Snowman

I said I put myself out there and I know my problems but I don't feel like you ever did that which is your choice but this was not all me. (I know this was probably not the best thing to say but I'm done taking all the blame for this). I don't want to live this open marriage anymore so if what you are doing makes you happy then so be it. I'm a work in progress but so are all of us. Your cold reaction to me lately sends enough message. I wish you were honest about all the other guys through all this as I feel like you made me compete but oh well.

She said back-I'm sorry, but I do feel this is best for me. I can't go back to feeling like crap all the time. I know you say you have Changed and that's great but I can't do it.

Me-Well I'm sorry you feel that way and that you always felt like crap. I have changed but saying that means nothing only actions do. Have you changed? I don't want you to "do it anymore" but neither do I. That life is over. I want to start over but that is up to you. (She did not respond).

I know I'm going to get 2x4's for this but I telling you the truth to what I said, partially because I'm tired of her manipulation of me and these games. I most likely let my feelings get the best of me for part of it but I was also honest as well. I'm tired of being responsible for her feeling like crap or her anger. I'm not taking it anymore and I'm tired of being the nice guy that apologizes for everything (I know I did in this text) and a fixer which I know I was. Sorry for the partial vent but I'm done living like this anymore. I choose to detach (which I still have some more work to do) and move on.


Good for you snowman. You admitted more here to yourself than to Mrs. Snowman.

Read this over a few times. And think of the conversation.

I think you have had one of those moments. Where you are realizing what you have become. Faking it no longer works for anyone. So now you are deciding its time to start getting back on your two feet.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2236407 - 04/09/12 01:45 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: chatterbug]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
I forgot to add. Switch now to communicating in writing. Emails or text.

You gotta start to forget the voice for the next while.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2236436 - 04/09/12 03:47 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: chatterbug]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
I forgot to add. Switch now to communicating in writing. Emails or text.

You gotta start to forget the voice for the next while.


That was hard for me... and I think for my W, as well... she still sometimes asks me to call her (she doesn't have my direct line, although my kids do).

But it helped me tremendously... plus, it's nice to have stuff in writing for referencing back on. Not to prove the other wrong, but to help you remember things... like schedules...

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#2236451 - 04/09/12 04:48 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Twom7-Thanks for the support and recommendation on Mort Fortel's Marriage Fitness. I signed up for the emails for now. I love your statements and plan on looking at them each day. I agree that men are fixers and I fall into that category. I will try to stay positive and thanks for reminding me I'm not alone. Its hard to remember that all the time.

Chatterbug-I agree that saying I have changed is a pointless endeavor but she made the comment to me in the text. We did talk about that in the last face to face communication so thats why she referred to it in text. I agree with you actions not words

She usually texts me before calling to see if she can talk to our S so I guess she is somewhat respecting my time but I don't do this to her because I find it annoying, confuses our S, and awkward because she hangs up to avoid conversation. She got mad at me a while back by saying that I was avoiding her phone calls to our S so I have fielded them. Her calling this weekend really bothers me because she most likely hanging with the OM in the other state and has totally conceded anytime with our S but she wants to call. Family asks me when she is getting our S and I say she is not because she chose to go out of town.

The doctor call was a voice mail saying they had the results and that she would have to call to get them. I know what the results are for and it is not a big deal.

Yes lawyers love to communicate for us and charge me for every email but yes I get the point but I still think she is chicken.

I do know what I have become and I'm working on planting my feet again. We almost always communicate through email or text so no problem there.

Thanks again for all the feedback and support. This support group is what I need for objectivity and learning. Catch you on the flipside.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2236594 - 04/09/12 09:26 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Snowman. I am just saying that right now she is not able to communicate with you on the financial and legal aspect of the marriage. Down the road. Perhaps. But the lawyers are a necessary evil upfront for down the road. As long as you are preparing everything you will not waste your time with your lawyer.... I do not know about her.

Perhaps you should explain it to her that calling it in is not being a mother. If she wants to talk to her son then she needs to spend time with him. That is her choice to be away from him. As you full well know.

And you know your being 100% correct in your thoughts on dealing with this. Especially how you handle family. Good call. Anger from her you can deal with. As she cannot deal with reality.

Again. It was her choice to be away from your son.

I think sometime she needs a reply along these lines.

"I understand that your choice to be away from our son is difficult( or just the classic ... I am sorry you feel that way). But I have decided that it in our sons best interest to limit the conversations as this is confusing and upsetting him greatly. Take Care."

Or something along those lines.

Validation and a truth dart.

That one will say more than anything else.

And you can let her sit on that one for awhile.

Toughlove.



And you know if she comes back with threatening taking the son away.

The words need to be.

"You are free to leave, but you will not be taking our son from his home."


Another topic...

So what are your plans this week.

I will give you a few of mine. So you can keep me on target. You can ask here on in my thread.

1. Runs - 3 , 4 ,3 ,7 miles
2. Workouts - Monday (done ) Wed , Friday

Personal growth this week. smile just enjoy the beautiful april weather.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2236650 - 04/10/12 12:58 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: chatterbug]
Starsky309 Online
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5053
Loc: Florida
Hang in there, Snowbuddy!!


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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