I agree with Bond. If this is an issue for both of you, then it needs to be addressed in the MC session. Trying to do it outside of C could lead to a serious bump in the road. You don't want either of you having resentments tucked away while trying to R.
Now, if this is your problem more than hers, maybe you need to think about what 25yrs says. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Truthfully, I know it is more my problems than hers. I don't even really think it is a problem for her at all. That said, it would probably be in my best interests to let it go. Somehow I have to accept the fact that she thought I was out to "get" her in this process - even if that wasn't the case.
Not sure if this will come up in MC or not - we don't have another appointment on the calendar, but should probably get one soon.
In the meantime, I have been enjoying the time that we have been spending together - and I have told her as much. It is like getting to know her all over again. I find myself being as nervous around her at times as I was when we first met. Still, there has been no indication that she has withdrawn the petition for D. It's so difficult for me to balance that with the fact that she wants to take another crack at IVF.
I don't want to say to her "we need to figure out what we are doing before we going any further down that road" because I don't want to put pressure on her. At the same time, I know we are quickly coming to a point where it will HAVE to be addressed. I can't be a part-time father to TWO children. And I don't think she would want that for herself, either.
Has she mentioned anything about IVF recently? Has she stated that she doesn't mind being a single parent to TWO children?
I guess I don't understand her reasoning for wanting to pursue that more if she's still not sure if the two of you are going to stay together. I agree with you... that is a very hard thing to balance.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
That very paradox has me confused, jks. Upon leaving our consultation with the Dr. she was instructed to contact his office "when her next cycle begins". Well, I know that is not too, too far off.
Somewhere between now and then the conversation about what her plans are with the D needs to occur. I can't bring it up right now because it would be viewed as "pressuring". I remain hopeful that she will conclude that she needs to withdraw the petition - but who knows. My gut tells me that she will, but to date nothing to indicate that will happen has been said or done.
That said, there is no way I can move forward with IVF and D at the same time. I think she knows that.
She also might be not thinking altogether clearly.
Crimson, this is a time when you need to think and express about what your boundaries of living are. If you aren't comfortable moving forward with IVF in this context, hold onto your nuts and speak up.
If you are not OK with doing IVF while divorce is imminent or, as gabby said, while divorce is still fresh in your rear view mirror, it is fine to talk about YOUR RESERVATION in MC or to W. Note that this is very different than telling her she needs to do something.
You do NOT say, W, you need to decide what you want. If you want IVF, you need to withdraw this D petition.
You DO say, W, It has been [adjective, exciting, hopeful, etc.] for me to go to these IVF visits with you, and it is something that I am excited about. I want to be honest with you though that I'm not sure if this is the right timing for me. I wouldn't be comfortable doing IVF just right now when we are still figuring out where we stand with each other. How do you feel about this?
Some of the pressure comes when you make it all about HER and HER decision and HER needing to do something. Take the pressure off her by making it about YOU and your boundaries and your own choices. It also empowers you.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
2 quick notes. First with re to how you see your behavior when first apart vs how she sees it...
1) there are two+ ways to view your behavior, and most people's...I recall thinking you sounded too angry at times, so she probably picked up on THAT b/c it also validated her choice to leave. I thought she was legally entitled to half the furniture so it was horrid to me that she'd leave with the clothes on her back and yes it seemed punitive to me. Sorry but that is how it struck me then. My real point is that I do NOT believe it is humanly possible to review and see your marital history the same...ever...
Two witnesses to car crashes don't often agree.
You are both heavily invested in how you view your marriage AND a lot rides on it -- but you see the world thru very different lenses...
for the most part you prefer HER LENSE b/c you get all negative (which is draining on spouses, btw)...so it's hard for you to see how the over views things.
It will help you both when you can better empathize as you go along, but as for the past... Let go of the past. Agree on today and "from this day forward", not the past...
the only value the past has for you now is 1) loving memories that resurface
and 2) hard earned lessons for you now.
Second, the IVF...
gabby's got a point. I am a tad curious what her plan is but I don't sense a "plan"...
but
I do sense a woman who believes she has only ONE more shot at being a mother.
That's a tough position to be in. Tread carefully.
Be upbeat & positive about it, since you would love it
under the right, loving solid circumstances that you two CAN create together..
.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the advice. Very true that there is limited value to agreeing to the past. Hell, even if you do - then what? "Loving memories and lessons learned" - yep, in this circumstance that is pretty much all the rearview mirror is good for.
Regarding the IVF process. At this juncture I don't think there is a lot that I can do or say....not yet, anyway. You are correct that I only want to do it in the context of a loving, caring relationship where we are 100% together and moving forward. But I can't flat out ask her if that is where her mind is right now.
Recently, I have felt like we are doing better. Spending time together, enjoying our s together. But the bottom line is she still has yet to hit "stop" on the divorce proceedings. We met up for dinner yesterday and I don't know if she had a rough day at work, or was just tired - but she was flat....very, flat. She got up and left with s (he was starting to get a tad squirmy) and didn't even really say good-bye. I was sitting at the table wondering WTF just happened. Immediately, I was fighting the urge to get inside my head.....maybe she is done trying......she wants the D....etc. -- I put the brakes on that line of thought as quickly as I could. Still not GREAT at doing that, but I am learning not to get into picking apart her every action in search of meaning. Nonetheless, it felt weird and I woke up this morning with low-level anxiety.
I want to have a deeper conversation about the whole IVF thing - and tell her that IF she wants to stay together and IF she wants to go for baby #2 she should settle back in together first - get back to loving one another and find stable ground.
My fear is that she would say "everything has to be YOUR way" and say I haven't changed at all. Worse yet, I fear that bringing it up would just drive her away and erase whatever positive momentum I may or may not have.
Things are coming to a head and we are going to have to make a definitive decision soon.
I would probably leave the IVF thing alone now, you know how you feel in your heart and you can deal with it when the time comes.
I agree with this. If, when the time comes, you still are not comfortable with it then it's time to talk to her about it. But leave it alone for now.
She may come to her own realization that it's not the right thing right now. You never know.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Yeah - I think I will most likely walk away from the issue for the moment. There is really nothing good that can come from bringing it up right now. All I know is that the Dr. suggested that we start early April. Divorce will be final first week in May.....ergo, something has gotta give soon.
I can't help but be slighly optimistic since all of our interactions have been so...well...."good"....for quite some time now. But as I mentioned before, the petition is still out there and she has said nothing about pulling it back just yet....nor has she indicated that is on her mind.
Last night was just one of those nights where I think I just got too far into my head and I am still in there a bit. Need to get a grip.
So got an e-mail from my L. Form attached for me to complete so my wages can have spousal and child support withdrawn automatically. What the hell?
I can't keep doing this. It is too much of a mind f*ck to have positve, forward-looking interactions with W and then still have this awful process grinding in the backgroud. I am having a hard time dealing with the emotional whiplash that it is creating.
I do not want to submit this form. What is going on?!
