Jenna ..... hey girl. I'm hoping the both of you can calm down! I wish you both could focus on the main goal...a mature R and strong family. Then work on everything with that goal in mind. If each of you can trust the other and you know each other is working towards that then maybe you can stop these awful ups and downs. Please take it from me that mistrust kills all relationships.
Mistrust totally kills relationships. It's hugely what killed our old relationship.
Today we addressed the ending of the 'honeymoon' phase. I asked him how he felt about it. He said he feels a bit sad that we don't feel lovey dovey all the time anymore, but it doesn't change his feelings for me. He says he feels comfortable. He often worries about how I'm feeling, since I have mentioned that I feel he hasn't changed much. I can understand that. I know I'm feeling some bitterness towards him because I've changed so much and I feel he hasn't.
I know I need to focus more on the big picture, like you said, Rick. To have a mature R. I know we can do it, and I know we both want that with each other I feel the need to read a book or something about how to keep that spark going. We're so busy that we don't see each other much. That will hopefully be a little easier once he's living here.
In therapy this morning we mostly focused on the kids. We want to be better parents and to have a stronger family unit. Our therapist suggested something that seems so obvious, but we hadn't put it together. She calls it time chunking. We need to literally schedule chunks of time to spend with the kids. 30 minutes playing a board game. 20 minutes teaching them how to fix or cook something pretty simple. Even that small amount of time spent with our undivided attention is endlessly more memorable than an hour spent with us distracted, playing on our phones or staring at the TV, etc. We're scheduling an hour after lunch this Sunday to play games with our kids. We aren't the type of parents that marvel at everything our kids do. We don't have much patience, and we honestly don't enjoy sitting and playing with them because we always feel distracted. I realize that this doesn't paint us in the best light, but it's the truth.
I feel really good about this plan I want to enjoy my kids, and have them enjoy me. I know J feels the same way. We need to remember how they must be feeling more often than we do. We need to level with them and to be more understanding. We absolutely love our kids and want the best for them.
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Jenna....your plan for time chunks with the kids is a great thing to do. Please know this...that time flies by and your kids will be grown so soon. Everything we do in life that is worth it has to be given an investment. That's our reason and obligation while we're here on earth. Things just don't happen by themselves. Just like in your M, and as an individual, as a parent and as a family, all of this requires that you make things happen. Even if they aren't feeling easy or you feel that you are have to work towards it, that's okay because you are building your life and soul while doing this.
Everything that is worth it requires constant attention, like any garden. Don't let the hard work scare you off, and tell your J this too. He must see what he stands to lose if he can't grasp this simple but hard principle. An if you both do this now at your ages, you will have a lifetime reward of a fulfilled family.
Don't forget the time chunks for you and him too! You are wise to understand the honeymoon phase does end, but can be replaced with a sweet knowledge that you two and kids are comfortable growing and living as a famaily.
Hey Rick. I just don't see the point in taking the time to post here anymore if only one person keeps up with my sitch, kwim?
But yes, things are looking up J is officially moved in with us at the apartment. We're focusing on letting go of what's done and in the past and trusting that we both want this and will do our best to make it work!
M & H 25 T 9 D 7 S 4 Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me. Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out 2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other. 3-4-12 H moved back in. 3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
I agree with Mr. Bond. I feel like I'm a point where I might have advice for the newcomers page, but not here yet. I do read yours though, since I see similarities, but your ahead in progress.
I'm cheering you on, even if you can't hear me.
Me-36 H-37 D11 S8 S6 M9 T19 ILYNILWY 11/10 discover EA 02/11 discover EA is really PA/H moved out 03/11 H wants to go to counselling,piecing 12/11 Find out still OW(plural), I'm officially done/detached 04/12
Hah Jenna...you see you are not alone! BTW Mach made a great point about paying it forward...that others can benefit from your journaling and successes.
Hey, even if i was the only one around (I'm not) at least there's someone who cares....
I feel the need to read a book or something about how to keep that spark going. We're so busy that we don't see each other much. That will hopefully be a little easier once he's living here.