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#2230378 - 03/13/12 11:26 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: kolja]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: kolja
Rereading my reply I realize it may sound like I may have been arguing - which I wasn't. Just two very thought provoking suggestions, as I hadn't told her about either of those


I didn't take it as arguing =) more as you thinking out loud about it
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2231848 - 03/19/12 04:52 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: bustorama]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
Last week we actually talked twice - and then again today, so three conversations in the space of 7 days. And they continue to be friendly, which is nice.

Friday, I endeavored to follow Busto's advice and make things more about her. She was tired after a long week; I asked how she liked her new job and she says she likes it a lot, which I said I was happy for her to hear. I didn't get a chance to talk about the half marathon or anything else on my end, at least not without artificially prolonging the conversation - which I felt would seem pursuing.

Today, with my first travel since our separation coming up, I had to ask if she'd gotten in touch with one of her preferred cat sitters (as you may recall, she's left both the cats with me). She did, so that's good. It's the son of a friend of hers who evidently will be in touch. I took the opportunity to also ask what she wanted to do if I got sent away for a longer period of time, perhaps on short notice - seemed like a good thing to have addressed given my line of work and all.

She also asked about taxes and seemed quite excited when I told her our refund was a 'pending ACH' and, provided it posted, I would deposit a check for her half with her bank tomorrow afternoon - she seemed QUITE excited (understandably) and grateful, which was nice.

She also mentioned divorce papers again (which I could have done without but, what can you do) and how she would try to get them notarized down there - even though it's a detail I'm not sure I needed to know. This time I just acknowleged it.

so, all in all pretty friendly which is nice, but still no change in the direction she's going or the speed she's apparently going. On the other hand, finalizing the dissolution doesn't change too awful much from my perspective, and may just be what she needs...
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

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#2232288 - 03/21/12 01:50 AM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: kolja]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
You're in a good place emotionally still, accepting her and her choices. That's all you can do and respects her.

Is the upcoming travel the Hawaii trip?

Can you remind me what prompted the separate rooms initially? So fast track to go from married to separate rooms within 8 months. What were like when things were "good" between you and where else do you perceive things going south. Anything similar happen in any of your previous relationships? First M for both?
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2232290 - 03/21/12 02:00 AM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: bustorama]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Just reread your first post.

So, her 2nd M. She has LOTS of emotional scars from drinking, being controlled and being abused in her past that you inadvertently kept triggering from your own drinking and spending (her feeling financially out of control) and being emotionally neglectful and unavailable. Sounds like she struggled with depression and, potentially, bipolar (her excessive spending) and attributed her unhappiness with life to you.

You can't convince her that you are not the source of her pain, and you are doing the best you can in trying to understand your role in things so as not to repeat the same mistakes again.

Still a blisteringly fast track from M (August) to first apparent pullback on her end (February).

Is this your first M?
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2232386 - 03/21/12 12:43 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: bustorama]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
2nd for each of us. Our first were right about the same time - hers about a year or so after high school and mine right out of college (difference in age put them at very similar times, now over 10 years ago). And of course very young for us both. We were both divorced for around the same amount of time (~10 years) before getting together.

On my end really the only similiarities were how short the marriages lasted, and that it was the wife wanting out and driving the divorce bus (of course the first time around, I had no idea divorce busitng existed and did everything wrong right up to, and after, the divorce... later to find out that a few years afterwords she started wondering if things could have been different - which in it's own round about way helps inspire me to believe that if I don't manage to keep pushing THIS wife farther away, in time we could have a chance to work on things... but I digress).

The upcoming trip is a short one to Northern Nevada - where incidentally I used to live. Fly down on Sunday and back next Friday night. Hawaii - barring any interference from world events - will be in May.

Separate rooms actually started intermittently and for reasons not initially - at least so it seemed - tied to her happiness in the marriage. Around late October or early November of 2010, I noticed her seeming to be a little less happy and withdrawn. When asked, her reasons were that she was unhappy at work, and not sleeping well because of the mattress (when we got together, she moved into my house since I owned it and she rented her condo - and it was closer to where we both worked). So, we tried one of those fancy sleep number mattresses you see advertised on TV. Seemed like a great idea at the time since we appeared to like different sleeping surfaces, but it didn't work out. She didn't like that one either and still wasn't sleeping well. So some nights she would be on the couch or in the guest room. The whole bed thing was a bit of a saga - and it got us started in the practice of sleeping apart. By the time we had something she liked sleeping on, our other issues had developed so that, more than just having poor quality of sleep due to the combination of mattress and husband, she HONESTLY didn't want to be physically close to me anymore.

That late October/early November was when I had started noticing things going south - the lady who had been so fun to be around, who had this zest, this energy, for life and doing fun things, now pretty much confined herself to the couch watching TV unless one of her nieces had a basketball game. She lacked the interest and/or energy for intimacy. Like I said, when I tried to find out what was wrong, she blamed her job making her miserable. So eventually we agreed she should quit and she was happier for a couple weeks - but by mid-January she said she was unhappy in the marriage.

So, in November, was she JUST unhappy with the job? Or was she already unhappy with the marriage and just being polite, sparing my feelings? No way to know, really.

In mid January, she said she was uncomfortable about my friends and family's casual social use of alcohol - which immediately (and frankly still) perplexes me, because not only was it tolerated when we dated, she was PART of it. It's as if the sort of social scene that was attractive with someone she was dating was absolutley NOT acceptable in a marriage. It's like a saying I remember coming accross once upon a time - "A man marries a woman hoping she won't change, a woman marries a man hoping he will."
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

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#2233102 - 03/24/12 08:23 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: kolja]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
Getting a life update -
Yesterday, the base security folks were doing some sort of security/counterterrorism exercise, and most units, including mine, just took the day off to avoid the mess.

So I got up early and hit the pool to the tune of 2,500m, then swung by Safeway for bagels and lunch (must be a sign of growing up, I went to the store for lunch ahead of time instead of paying extra later!!). Then I loaded up the skis and ht the road. I guess some parts of the country had had warm and/or dry winters but the mountains around here have been getting great snow. The one I went to says on their website they had 173" JUST IN MARCH - when I got there they said they had 251" at the base!! but the storms had passed and yesterday was clear as a bell and sunny (it's sunny down here too, and looks absolutely gorgeous) - and since it was Friday not at all crowded. It was GLORIOUS.

Today I ran 12 miles, my longest training run (tapering, thankfully, starts this coming week). Granted my legs are pretty tired now, skiing some double blacks the day before probably didn't help but sure was fun. Since then I've been doing stuff around the house to get ready for my 1 week work trip to Nevada starting tomorrow.
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

Top
#2233122 - 03/24/12 10:55 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: kolja]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
With the amount if swimming you are already doing sounds like you could tackle an olympic or 70.3 distance tri as ur next endeavor, hehe.

I'm jealous of your skiing. I haven't been out all season. I went to a place up that way when my W and I first met called Schweitzer. We also went to a place across the border I can't remember the name of. bit of a drive to get to. No Whistler, but nice Canadian skiing nonetheless.

Congrats on making it to your longest training run intact! Now just the victory lap (race) left. Any time goals or just aiming to finish and enjoy the achievement? You doing a 1 or 2 week taper?
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2233124 - 03/24/12 11:32 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: bustorama]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
It will come out to about a 2 week taper. Originally my goal was just to finish but my pace lately makes me think 2 hours is concievable. Which kind of blows my mid because I definitely don't have a runners build (50" around the chest, 32" inseam - its probably not pretty watching me run).

Yesterday I was at Mt Baker (its about 2.5 hours to either baker or Stevens for me). When I was growing up on the other side of the state I only made it to Schweitzer once and it was really rough weather (visibility so bad they actually closed) but id definitely like to check it out.
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

Top
#2237455 - 04/12/12 12:32 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: kolja]
kolja Offline
Member

Registered: 12/15/11
Posts: 335
Loc: WA
As I try frantically to keep up with other posts, I realize it's been a while since I've updated mine.

My week trip back to Northern Nevada went well. Saw lots of friends I used to work with, the weather was decent, got to fly three times. I enjoyed the pool down there - since it's not a town pool (it's a base one), you're not having to share lanes with 2-3 swim teams, swim school, water aerobics, and every other competing interest. And I was laying down some pretty sweet times. Running was better than I thought it would be at 3,800' elevation - but then again the trail may not have been QUITE as long as the sign said it was.

Things were busy after I got back, getting caught up, but not too unpleasant. The busy-ness at work at least was getting results - tangible stuff was getting done so I didn't feel like I was spinning my wheels like I sometimes had in assignments past. And I had my semi-annual physical test - where I swam 450m in less than 9 minutes for the first time EVER. Pretty sure I got my best overall score in years. So that was pretty exciting.

Last Saturday I went down to Seattle for a scale model show (it's an annual one that I haven't seen in years), meeting up with a friend along the way. On the way home I stopped by REI to get some hiking stuff (since it's ALMOST that time of year around here again). Sunday I went back up skiing - though it's warmed up, as I got near the top of Mt Baker highway, the cut in the snowbank where the plows went through was STILL taller than my truck. The skiing was great - warm enough you didn't need a jacket unless you liked to sweat a lot, but there was still SO much snow that the conditions were pretty nice. And I got a pretty funny (mild) sunburn on my face that was a big hit at the office on Monday.

After getting home from Nevada, it was another 10 days or so before I heard anything from my wife (you might recall that before the trip we had been texting every few days, mainly logisitical things but still fairly friendly). The week and a half of silence wasn't HORRIBLY troubling, as I managed to convince myself it was just part of the process and to get on with life in the meantime, though I'd be lying to say I didn't miss hearing from her.

Well, in the 'be careful what you wish for' department, I got a text from her yesterday. She said she didn't want me talking to her family anymore, and wanted me to 'unfriend' all her friends and family (about 12 folks). Now, while I've been in touch with her mom and sister and oldest niece, we haven't been trying to outmaneuver her or anything like that - not since her sister offered to help us get counseling in January. They've just been very kind and caring to me, most recently wishing me a happy Easter, and occaisionally 'liking' something I post (like pictures of where I go ski...) But of course I realize that's probably not how things look to her. I said she was right to not want her family and I to discuss the divorce and that it wouldn't happen - she said she didn't want us to talk to each other at ALL. I said I could understand that, but I felt that it was something they should have some say in as opposed to me just up and cutting off people who I care about, and who care about it me.

It seemed like an instance that needed a boundary of some kind, and where I think I was able to try and set it in as kind a way as possible. She didn't take it SUPER well, but better than when I cut her off the joint account... so, even though I had hoped for a more unambiguously positive sign, I guess even this is some sort of progress in its own way...
_________________________
Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12

Top
#2237469 - 04/12/12 01:04 PM Re: The continuing saga of Kolja [Re: kolja]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Kolja - It's really great to hear about your various GAL activities. You are really tearing it up! Good for you!

The boundary setting regarding the FB matter I think was an important step for you. It is not your W's choice who you are or are not friends with. She seemed to be trying to exert some kind of control over you and I think you handled it well.

Keep plugging away!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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