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#2231876 - 03/19/12 10:27 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11069
DO NOT APOLOGIZE!

You didn't do anything over the top. In fact you did the exact thing she did...state what you wanted. Stop feeling bad about it. It's time for you to get your b@ll$ back from her.

Stop saying that you are trapping her, etc. you are not. All you're doing is making sure you and your kids are protected. She's on the emotional high of the OM. Remember that case about the astronaut lady who left her family and drove cross country wearing a diaper to get to the woman whom she "truly loved"? That's where your W is now.

She sees you as an obstacle and wants to destroy that. How do you combat that? By being the rock. Look at her as the crazy person she is at the moment. In fact, I would have called the police. She could very easily flip things around and say that you "restrained" her.

You might think that your sitch is different, but it really isn't. Been there done that. All of the WAS's who have been caught with an OP have blown their lids and then try to flip it to the LBS and say they are holding back their happiness and crap.

Stand strong. You can do it. Protect yourself and your children. It's cases like this that you hear the parent kidnapping the kids and taking them to another state. Put your foot down.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2231950 - 03/20/12 03:10 AM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: MrBond]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
What I apologized for is the choice to stay in the bed. I sorta just tossed that in there with the stuff I had thought through because you had suggested it. I think it was ill-conceived, and I should be able to admit when I am wrong. I have no feelings for the bed. While it may be indicative of other things, it has always been her bed, to me, and I was her prince whom she (used to) invite into her private chamber.
I think it just clanged the door shut on her jail cell too much. I also secured the keys to the car (she was hysterical) and we are having some acute financial difficulties. She felt very cornered, like even getting out wasn't an option. I don't think it was good for me to put her in that situation (though yes, she contributed). Hatred, like disgust, is something I want to stay away from evoking in her towards me.
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

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#2232083 - 03/20/12 04:42 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
I think that my wife (among other fantasies) has this idea of the future that we will get D, that will help forge me into the man she wants, and then we can start over.
I think that my well-meaning, OM-hating MIL is feeding this fantasy.
I want to imagine it too, but it is so messed up. First, W still completely will not acknowledge to herself or to anyone that she has any problems, responsibility for damaging M, etc. Some time in the future (when A fizzles), she will size me up and say, "good job, elf. That's really all I've been asking for since early in our M."
She is such a cake-eater!
I don't know what to do. Patience, just GAL and 180 and try to learn to set boundaries.
I would be sooo willing to move out and take turns caring for the kids. This would be an excellent approach to start R our M.
But if there is OM in the picture, and W has no direction towards R, then I can't work on our RM alone. I can only work on me.
I think that my ability to survive in limbo is a very important thing, coming up. How long can I last?
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

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#2232085 - 03/20/12 04:48 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
Drew Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 2086
Originally Posted By: danielf
How long can I last?

Only you know that.
_________________________
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.

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#2232116 - 03/20/12 06:34 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: Drew]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11069
"What I apologized for is the choice to stay in the bed. I sorta just tossed that in there with the stuff I had thought through because you had suggested it."

No you do things because you want them. If you didn't want to sleep in the bed, then you shouldn't have said it. Don't blame others for your decision. Own up to them.

By saying that you were not going to move, you made a boundary and was justified. Where you went over the top was when you took her keys. That's control. I understand you thought she was a danger to herself, but you have to give her the choice.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2232151 - 03/20/12 08:10 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: MrBond]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Where you went over the top was when you took her keys. That's control. I understand you thought she was a danger to herself, but you have to give her the choice.


Yes, I was afraid of her taking off with the kids. I should not have done that.
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

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#2232152 - 03/20/12 08:13 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11069
"Yes, I was afraid of her taking off with the kids."

Combat this with legal representation. Talk to a L about her being a flight risk. Very dangerous to ignore something like this when she's already threatened to do this.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2232211 - 03/20/12 10:12 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: MrBond]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
Not ignoring your advice (I will consult a lawyer) just wanted to share my current crystal-ball peerings:
I think she is thinking about moving out next month, then following the school year to abscond with the kids, then stay in new state for 6 months to establish residency and file for divorce there.
This certainly gives me time. I think that I broke her idea that she can get a quick and easy divorce done and then move in three months.
Reality is, D is a long process anywhere!
She is also stating an intention to be a good girl and reel in the PA to an EA (obviously not her phrasing) until she is no longer married to me. No way that can last. She's pretty stubborn, but I doubt her resolve on this. And if she can, no way that OM would wait.
Have I told this board, yet, that he already cheated on her? WAW thinking justified it in that she had cheated on him first -- with me! She's crazy.
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

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#2232213 - 03/20/12 10:18 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11069
That's happened before to many WAS's. What you have to do is stop the mindreading. Alot of your post concentrates on what you "think". Don't bother with that. Go with what you know and apply accordingly. You can do it.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2232216 - 03/20/12 10:31 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11096
Quote:
Sandi2, thank you for all of your thousands of posts on this forum. You have helped me to understand where my wife is. But I've lost hope in DB and these methods. Nothing on here is close to my sitch.


What part do you feel your stitch is different from others here? Is that why you've lost hope in the DB methods, b/c you feel your stitch is different?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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