A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 2 of 10 < 1 2 3 4 ... 9 10 >
Topic Options
#2229195 - 03/09/12 06:07 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
leopoldstotch Offline
Member

Registered: 10/30/11
Posts: 328
Loc: Pennsylvania
Let me ask you this. Once you move out for "your turn away" what is to stop her from changing the locks on you thereby forcing you to take her to court? You already stated you don't make enough to support one household how are you going to afford the house and an apartment on one income? W wants the D and you do not? She has OM in the picture. She is cake eating big time and you are a doormat. Not very attractive is it?

I would not move out if I were you. I would not even move "back home". If she wants to D you then IMHO she should get a job and move into her own apartment. What is it that you want? I think you need to set some boundaries with her and I agree with Cadet. OM=NM
_________________________
M 44 W 43
S 23 S 15
INILWY 9/11
Divorce Mediation started 3/13
June 30 the day W is moving out

Top
#2229199 - 03/09/12 06:15 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
A lot of people will recommend against leaving the home if you can avoid it.

I fought very hard against it myself, and I think it was not for the best. My wife trying to distance herself from me felt very bad. I only moved out of the house after she caught me snooping on her and gave me an ultimatum. I guess snooping was actually the big error there. Things were actually kind of improving. I wish I had DB then.

Well, I moved out and it was awful, but after a month, my wife started thinking about taking me back and working out our stuff. At that very same time, being unaware of that fact and miserable out of the house, I moved home without giving her a chance to veto me.

It's very painful for me to write this now because I know that at that moment, I doomed my family to so much pain.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that in some situations, I think getting out of the house can be a positive thing in healing the relationship.

Definitely get that agreement worked out first!
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2229213 - 03/09/12 06:59 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: AlwaysTrying]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5325
As far as moving out - don't.

As far as agreements, I bet you had one when you got married too, they were called marriage VOWS.
How is that agreement working out?

Listen to the advice you are being given it is good.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

Top
#2229221 - 03/09/12 07:27 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: Cadet]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
Originally Posted By: Cadet
As far as agreements, I bet you had one when you got married too, they were called marriage VOWS.
How is that agreement working out?


So true!
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



Top
#2229225 - 03/09/12 07:47 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: Cadet]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: Cadet

I agree that you need to use LRT, at this point if you are providing for any needs while she is with the OM then she is cake eating, that must stop.

OM = NM (No marriage)


Sorry for the hijack...Cadet, I am going to post this on my own thread, and ask a question. Can you swing by?
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2229236 - 03/09/12 08:26 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: RoRoinMD]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
This is the latest epiphany.
I married my wife "till death do us part." I made that commitment to my wife before God and our community, and I will honor it.
Yes, even if she divorces me and marries another man. Yes, even though I've dishonored those vows in the past.
In June, we will get to a crossroads. We have talked about moving "back home" for family support (no doubt OM living there is a factor). I really do think if D happens, then that will be best for the kids.
Second option, I could say here is my job, me and kids are staying here. I foresee this creating a very nasty reaction in her (not that that is a reason not to).
Third option, I could say, take the kids. I have some stuff to work on (in addition to making money). I will move there when I am ready to be the man my family needs. Whether you take me back at your husband at that time will be up to you. This could go a few ways. Either it starts us on the long road towards R while she waits to see me change. Or she could make OM a growing part of her life while I diminish.
As I said before, I will not let anything happen before we have a clear agreement. But that almost gives her the advantage of time; we approach a fork in the road with no plan.
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

Top
#2229280 - 03/09/12 11:03 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
Thank you to everyone on these boards. It is incredibly valuable to read stories similar to mine with accompanying advice and thoughts and intentions and to see how they progress and what happens.
There are two things about my sitch that I have not yet found specifically dealt with that I would love some specific thoughts about.
First, time is usually on the side of the DBer. I am a little anxious that it is not on my side, in that we are considering moving after this school year.
I have a very strong support system here in our new city. Community is very important to me and I always work to develop friendships at church, etc. W is introverted and for 3 years has only developed 2-3 close(ish) friendships in our new city. She travels a lot for her hobby that she is passionate about and sorta sustains itself. (I have encouraged/supported her in it for years). That's where OM came from, and most of her social connections. She keeps in contact every day with lots of those friends online/facebook, but she isn't close to anyone here.
Kids aren't really rooted here. They spend lots of time at their grandparents (both sides) and would really be excited to move back there, where they also have 4 cousins.
I have tried to encourage all of them to develop relationships locally, but honest assessment of where we stand is I have made a new life here and the rest of my family feels lonely here.
But because of D laws and residency, etc., this puts a fire under my spouse to get this thing done. I am so worried that four months from now I will be divorced and completely lost (if we move) or abandoned (if I don't). I trust that DB works, but what if I cannot wait it out? I am ready to change and let W see over time, but what if I don't have time?
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

Top
#2229283 - 03/09/12 11:17 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
danielf Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 128
Second thing I seek special thoughts on is publicity. I have always aired my dirty laundry about porn somewhat. I wish for W sake I would have been more discreet. But I always thought I was ready to change, so being open about it and getting people involved was always intended to be part of the solution.
But that's not really the publicity I worry about (though it shows that one of my 180s should be respecting boundaries).
Back when W decided to stop A and try with me, she posted a very open note about it on facebook. I wish that everyone who read it would have also understood we would like to have our privacy respected, but unfortunately it just started everyone's tongue a-wagging. Maybe that was part of her changed heart/mind the following week. (added to my attitude of "great, now we can get back to happiness" which I didn't intend but tremendously regret. I was just so relieved!)
Then my stupid sister sent a "prayer request" to over 100 people (most of whom we know and know us) in her bible class saying "W is leaving Daniel for her boyfriend". I haven't seen the exact email, but wow, that wasn't helpful.
I've been trying to put out some of those fires and ask individuals to shut up and butt out. But the road back is not very smooth and clear. Thoughts, please?
_________________________
Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12

Top
#2229286 - 03/09/12 11:30 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: danielf]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10882
Loc: west coast
did you publicize your interest in porn, to people your w knows?

that only enlarges her humiliation. Stop it for good.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2229287 - 03/09/12 11:41 PM Re: Considering Quixote [Re: AlwaysTrying]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10882
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying
Cadet, you're an experienced DBer. Can you point me (us?) at any resources on "cake eating"? I've struggled with whether I should be doing things around the house to make things easier on W, really worried that I'm giving her the best of both worlds.

My DB coach advised me differently. She feels that the things I do to make W's life better are constructive and that I'm making deposits to her "love bank".

In my case, there is only a long-distance EA, not a PA. I'm not sure if that makes a difference.

Is there a thread somewhere that I can read?


Cadet has a ton of threads for you to read! cool

For now I'll say what my DB coach said to me 5 years ago...

"ALL WAS/MLCers are cake eaters at first...they want out &the LBSer doesn't."

But LBSer who want to be "teaching the WAS a lesson" or "showing them the consequences" is usually seen as punitive and coming from anger, (usually it is no matter how disguised/rationalized it is) but

besides, it's NOT the job of a spouse to do those things.

Life does.

Prepare to do ALL the work on the m for a longer time than you expect.
Why should you do all the work?

B/c you are here posting to save your m and she's not.

B/C she wants out of the marriage and you are here trying to save it.


You are all we can help and you are all you control. You are NOT powerless but you do have to check yourself for motives.


Ask if what you want to do or say is coming from a place of love or anger. Will it move you towards your goal or away from it?

Will it make you feel good to blow off some steam only to realize later that you merely confirmed for her , the choice to leave?

GAL and Detach. Be the better choice. No woman is unmoved by loving interactions between her children and their dad. Be there for them like never before.

What were you like before you married your w? Get back to him.

Become a man only a fool would leave.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
Page 2 of 10 < 1 2 3 4 ... 9 10 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004