Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[Broken74]

Thanks 25,

There's an old saying I put into practice quite often... How many bites of a $hit sandwich can you take before throwing up... I'm throwing up now. This particular other man matters so much because it the same mf that she had the affair with.

You are right about my anger. I have been working on it, and the only thing that sets it off now is my W's ridiculous adultery driven behavior. I don't think that any amount of Divorce Busting, Mediation, Bible Reading or otherwise is going to make any man not get angry about this type of situation. Maybe I'm just beyond help, if so that is fine. I can't stand being treated like this anymore. I can literally envision her servicing this douchebag in the car I got her for Christmas and there is no way that doesn't make me angry.

That being said, I am working on a number of things about myself, my anger being one of them. But there is nothing that is going to make my viewpoint of her behavior in any way acceptable. She has discraced herself, me, and her children and family, I just don't think she realizes it yet.

I don't see there being any recovery in this now. I honestly don't. She literally dangled things working out over my head to backdate the separation agreement so I couldn't file an alienation of affection lawsuit against this dude. Her behavior has been unprecedented, and yet I still wanted to fix this, why?

I'm going to be the best person I can be for me, because I've certainly learned through this that I'm the only person I can truly count on (besides all of you wonderful DB'ers of course).

I guess in a way I took BustORama's approach to a little bit more of an extreme. It will be an interesting psychological experiment to see what happens over the next few months.

I am moving on with my life as now. Call it GAL, detachment, or whatever but she is no longer of my concern, or that's what my mouth says anyway.

Thanks again for your mentoring I truly appreciate it. I feel like I am back at ground zero but I certainly won't be making the same mistakes I have been making.

At this point I honestly don't think I ever knew my W. She is truly the most manipulatively evil person I think I have ever known. And will that help get over this any faster, probably not.

Man this is so extremely ridiculous I would never in a million years have thought I would ever be in this situation.

Thanks again 25 and all of you, I am keeping the focus on myself, no way I won't be detached after this at least...

[Broken74]

Just venting... Damn, 24 hours of detachment and it feels like the last 7 months have been all for naught and I'm starting this entire ordeal over again. I cannot get my head around the fact that I have been treated this way and I still love this woman, It makes absolutely no logical sense at all. Zero sleep, can't focus at work, can't eat either. Maybe I'll drop 20 pounds in the next two weeks to be at a good playing weight for basketball season.

5 months and 8 days before the divorce can be filed. It is quite possible I will end up in a padded room before then, because I still sit here and pray that something changes and she will come back to me. I think I would be better off buying some lottery tickets.

I guess in a way I am being forced to DB now, 24 hours is a start right? lol

Good luck to you all in your respective sitch's!

[Rick1963]

Broken if you don't stop thinking about W and your sitch you will remain stuck. What is it that you want?

[Broken74]

Hi Rick, I want to stop thinking about her and my sitch... But I can't, I have plenty of GAL activities but every idle cycle of my brain drifts to this. At work it's especially bad. Despite all of the bad that has happened and all the I'm done's that I've said I still want to reconcile with her but I don't see that's ever going to happen... I know that I will be fine but this situation is so hopeless and I would give my left arm to fix it but that's not going to help.

[Rick1963]

I hear ya. It hits me at work also but I take walks and clear my head. When you hope and believe that bad things will happen, many times they come true. So maybe change that and hope for good things to happen and seev if anything changes.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

When you hope and believe that bad things will happen, many times they come true. So maybe change that and hope for good things to happen and seev if anything changes.

Print this out and read it often...

[Broken74]

Thanks guys, a PMA reminder is always helpful. Hope and Change right :-) I appreciate the kind words.

[Broken74]

Man I think today has made me realize I am going to have to seek out real professoinal help to deal with this. I have been seeing an IC (clinical social worker)who was also our MC so she knew my W and I go in there and vent but it is not helping me feel any better. I am at the point I just need these feelings to go away, be it via prescription, hypnosis, or something. Alcohol used to serve as a temporary fix for this but I am no longer going there. I feel like a cement mixer has been dropped on my head at month 7, I am struggling to do my job. All I want to do is call her or see her. I'm going to seek out a full blown psychologist tonight.

Man I honestly didn't think there was any lower to go with this but at the 7 month mark I think I have hit rock bottom here. All I want to do is talk to her and I can't and it's literally driving me crazy...

[Rick1963]

Broken see a psychiatrist. You maybe depressed and need Meds. Have the psychiatrist refer you to a therapist.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Get some help....you may feel different about this up the road. Broken, its really pretty simple - you need to take car of you. Get some help and forget the W even exists right now. No relationship is worth losing your sanity. Remember, a H she would be crazy to leave? Well get to it...no more excuses.