I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[adinva]

OK I'll bite.

Be who you are and do what's right without worrying about whether I'm annoyed.

I don't know if you have a backbone or an opinion about discussing your counseling with her. You said not over the phone, which means yes - just not over the phone. Then you said yes but "we both know blah blah veiled threat" which means I'm saying yes but I mean no I'd rather not. Then you checked back to see if you had upset her.

I can't tell if you do or don't want to discuss your counseling session with her. If you do, why didn't you say yes with no buts. If you don't, which sounds more likely your real feeling but you were reluctant to say no to her, you should say unequivocally, "no, hon, it's private." Or something like that. Are you always this tentative with her?

You can still tell her no if you don't want to discuss your counseling with her. Or, you can tell her what subjects you hit, and change the subject. You control how deep you want to go and you have the power to stop talking at any time.

So - you asked if she was ok and she said yeah. That means yes, she's ok. what are you worried about when she comes home?

I believe the DB way is to be mysterious. Let her wonder and worry about losing YOU. Don't share your counseling session private information with her. The DB way is to avoid relationship talks, avoid temperature checks, avoid pursuing her. Can you avoid all this when she gets home? That's what I'd recommend.

I'd recommend being cheerful, have a smile on your face, and tell her your counseling is for you and so you're going to keep it private for now. Just MHO.

But the other part of it, your fear of her annoyance over something that would not be annoying to a normal rational person - what's that about? Can you appear less fearful of her emotions?

[breakdownbill]

Wow Adinva, I wasn't expecting that, but I think you're right about a lot of stuff there. One of the problems I've found in our relationship has been standing my ground. I'be always been the one to say sorry 1st when we fight etc and I think you're right I need to stop worrying so much about how she feels and just be straight with her over this counselling. I don't think she'll mention it tonight but if she does i'll just say no.

Thanks adinva, I needed a woman to psychoanalyse my fear of confrontation and indecision when it comes to W. Probably one of the major reasons I ended up here.

[sandi2]

Stop talking to her over the phone! Stop asking her if she's okay. Stop calling her babe! Do you not see how that is pursuing?

Don't discuss the counseling session.

[breakdownbill]

Stop talking to her over the phone! Stop asking her if she's okay. Stop calling her babe! Do you not see how that is pursuing?

Don't discuss the counseling session.

Hi Sandi - I admit that I need to stop calling her babe, force of habit - I've been calling her this for 12 years. I never called her, but I didn't have to answer the phone though & will make a conscious effort to stop checking if she is ok in situations like that. I never wanted to discuss the counselling session - my wife was pursuing that curiosity on her part - but I should have been firm like avinda said.
I've just got home from dancing and I feel a bit flat now - last week my lesson I was on a high & really enjoyed it, but this week although good was bitter sweet & as I was leaving I felt an awful trigger of my W with OM. This is so hard - I'm not going to give up, but I've got so much hurt at the moment, I feel that my emotions are really screwing me up. I know I need to focus on me & I really am trying to. I keep asking myself the same question why do I even want to be someone who is doing this to me? I know the answer but the truth hurts.

Thanks Sandi - I really do appreciate your advice & just hope I can be strong enough to keep it together.

[adinva]

Hi Bill. I'm curious, if you weren't expecting what I said, what were you expecting in answer to your question?

How did things go when she got home?

[breakdownbill]

Hi Bill. I'm curious, if you weren't expecting what I said, what were you expecting in answer to your question?

How did things go when she got home?

Oh no, I didn't mean it in a bad way. I was just shocked at how intuitive you were on me as a person & it freaked me out & reminded me that when it comes to psychology and reading between the lines, you ladies are so much better at it than men.

She was really cold and I could tell she was p**&@d with me. When I was leaving for my dancing I shouted bye to everyone as W was upstairs giving the kids a bath - (kids heard me & told me to have fun) she said nothing. At least she's curious about my counselling and what was said and although it hasn't been perfect, I feel that I have been detaching quite a lot - considering the 2nd bomb she dropped on Thursday night.

Right now, I need to grow a pair and to be like a terminator in my mission to detach, detach, detach!!

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Bill,

I can understand your situation a lot. My H and I call each other our pet names still, even if we are separated. We still do care about each other - despite talking about divorce. We are trying to remain respectful and caring (which is actually odd, I know!). We always had respectfulness and caring in our relationship so that is not our issue. Was it part of yours?

[breakdownbill]

Hi Bill,

I can understand your situation a lot. My H and I call each other our pet names still, even if we are separated. We still do care about each other - despite talking about divorce. We are trying to remain respectful and caring (which is actually odd, I know!). We always had respectfulness and caring in our relationship so that is not our issue. Was it part of yours?

Well we've always cared for each other, but if I'm totally honest I'm the one who does stuff to show I care in simple ways. For example I'll be the one to make a hot drink, cook dinner, go to the store when we run out of stuff, ask if she needs tablets when she's sick. Stuff I never really thought about that I did for her without thinking, because I was happy to do it for her.
Our problem is communication, my wife never backs down in an argument (even when outrageously wrong). We've had a rough ride for about 6 years. We had a lot of financial issues which caused stress on our M and our working patterns meant we never seen that much of each other. So when we talked it was serious, depressing stuff and over time, we forgot how to be romantic and caring at the level we used to be at. We became more like best friends who had kids and made love less and less over time. My W really knocked my confidence over time, because I never stood up to her, because she is so stubborn. This made me withdrawn & detached & pushed her away really. But I never stopped loving her, I just figured that once all my studies had finished Next May, we would have a better WLB (work life balance) and be happier. I ignored the present situation & now I'm paying the ultimate price.

Does my SITCH have any other similarities with yours YC?

[Denver_2010]

Stop talking to her over the phone! Stop asking her if she's okay. Stop calling her babe! Do you not see how that is pursuing?

Don't discuss the counseling session.

^^^ Yup

[breakdownbill]

Journal entry

Well after a frosty morning where W said very little, apart from 'don't put my good underwear in the dryer it's ruined'. I thought to myself, so what! But didn't rise to it and walked away. Then later on, w texts me to ask what days over the Easter holidays would you like me to book off so you can do work on your degree. I tell her the dates, she books 2 days holiday to help me out and let me know. I thank her for this (nothing ott) and wished her luck for her doctors appointment later today.

I just can't figure out how someone can be so thoughtful and caring in some ways and so hurtful in other ways. I'm taking it for the positive I see it to be and saying to myself it's because she still cares and not just out of guilt.

Amazon are not my friends right now still no DR or DB books have arrived :-(