I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Sandi, I really have come to terms with this not going to be a quick fix now. It is really hard doing the opposite of what you want to do & it's only been a day for me. I know what you mean about going dark not being the best thing for me - but there were some really good bits of advice in that post. I'm giving this DB'g a real go now. It really hurt me what she said when she was talking about the OM and I know that their relationship is more than likely going to carry on & evolve. I can't stop it, but I can stop thinking about it. I need to focus on my UNI work only got 7 weeks left & I'm so behind, but I need to get at least a 2:1 in my degree to get on my teaching course in September.

Thanks Sandi – I’ll feel better equipped once I’ve read the DR book particularly focusing on the Infidelity & LRT chapters. It’s nice to know that you’re looking out for me & giving me good advice.

Bill

[Denver_2010]

Do not expect to see all of this resolved and back to normal in a short time.

The hardest thing for men is not doing something to fix things. It's not even a matter of fixing. It's so much more involved.

I have read some stories here from men who were in your shoes, and the WAW would end the A and the H would think things were okay b/c the OM was out of the picture. But, even when OM is out, she has so much she has to go through. You both will. It's like the MR has a terrible cancer that is cut out, only to face all the harsh treatments in order to heal and survive what the cancer did.

Your M can survive this. But it will take a very long time of healing. It can happen! It can be good again. That is the encouragement I hope to leave with you.

^^^^ So true.

[breakdownbill]

I think that i'm starting to get a response from my detaching already. Last night one of Lou's friends asked her to go dancing to catch up on the steps she missed as her teachers are there on a Saturday night. I said why don't you go, it'll do you good. She said that she didn't feel like it and never went. Once the kids went to bed, I wasn't feeling to great really tired, so I said I was getting an early night and went to bed - had a great nights sleep - best sleep I've had in ages. It's mother's day, so the kids gave her all her stuff and cards and there was a card of me too, she squeezed my hand, with a tear in her eye and said thanks. I made breakfast in bed so the kids could give it to her and then went straight back downstairs. I'm really polite and not cold but not hanging around either. She mentions dancing again this morning saying that she might start going Saturday night instead 'cause it's not worth the hassle going on a Thursday. I just said ok, no discussion on my part. I'm not getting any hopes up, but I think it's positive and I'm gonna keep going.
Thanks everyone for listening and giving me good advice.

Happy Mother's day to all the mums on here :-)

[breakdownbill]

I've had a great day today - took the kids to see my Mum this morning for a couple of hours - then met W at her Mum's with the kids and spent some time there. We promised the kids we would take them to spaceworld - which is like a big indoor play area with a cafe for parents. We where there for 2 and a half hours & me and the W got on great - we even made each other laugh a few times. The conversation wasn't the least bit awkward or one sided. There was absolutely no mention of R or anything like that. W went to bed shortly after kids went to bed, but before she went to bed carried on an earlier joke about one of her friends on FB and we were both laughing loads, when she went to bed we said good night to each other. I did feel a bit down after she went to bed, but didn't let it show. I'm detaching, not pursuing, but getting on great with my W again when we talk. It feels like we are friends again. I'm not gonna blow this by talking about anything to do with sitch, just gonna take this slowly. It's ironic that when we were trying the last couple of weeks there was so much pressure it was stifling us. Now that we are not trying to make R work (consciously on both parts) it feels so much easier to get along without any anxiety of upsetting each other(if that makes any sense).
If the penny ever drops with my W, that we are still best friends and that when we ML it is great and that we are so good together as a family, she'll realise what she's giving up on. I just hope that when she realises it, it's not too late and I feel the same way about my W. There is just no time frame on this or any guarantee that my WAW (Confused W) will ever change her mind. But there will always be hope and a place in my heart for my W regardless of what happens.

Got my 1st hour long Couselling session tomorrow, hope it goes well and that I get on with them.

I'll keep journalling, thanks for listening and for all the advice.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Hi there, just thought I'd leave an update from my Counselling session today.
It was really good for me to get off my chest a lot of the feelings I had inside of me & I think we made some good progress & got to one of the roots as to when my M started to break down. Back in 2004, me, W and D less than 1 at the time, were living in our first house W wasn't working & I was full time in the day time. We spent every night together and weekends as a family and were really close and happy. I wanted a bigger house and pushed for a move, which we did 12 months later and then we got into lots of financial trouble. Wife had to work part time evenings & I had to work during the day. We saw less and less of each other and when we did talk it was about stressful or unromantic things. This led to a breakdown in communication and subconciously a detachment on my part. Instead of dealing with our issues I ignored them - and my wife handled them badly and became controlling & dictative in conversations, so I just avoided them. It hasn't all been bad over the last 7 years, but things have never been so good during that year 2004. Now that I have an idea as to what started these events & when we were last genuinely happy it is something to reflect on for me personally. I'm not going to just blame myself, but I need to appreciate & understand fully my role in all of this mess, to move on either way.

It's a real start and with more counselling I hope to make more progress. Still waiting for DR & DB books, but trying to detach as much as possible whilst staying friendly & positive.

[hopingandpraying]

I am so sorry you are going through this situation. I'm glad you can see the positives in your R and in counseling. I hope things work out the best for you and your M.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Stephanie, I wish I wasn't going through this, just like the rest of us, but like you I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.
I really can see the positives in our M and know it's worth saving. The one thing I can be sure about is not knowing how my W feels about anything at the minute. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone (going) through and will never take or be perceived to take anybody's love for granted again.

Keep listening to the advice on here from some really good people, keep journalling and keep the faith!!

[sandi2]

The best thing for you to do is act as if you have accepted her decision and you are moving on without her. But here is the key point in doing so.....you must act as if you are are not carrying a touch for her. That's hard for a LBH, b/c he wants to say & do the things he should have been doing all this time. You have to act as if you will be happy with your life with or without her in it. Speaking as a former WAW, I believe it will get her attention if she thinks you no longer want her. You do not accomplish this by saying anything particularly, or doing anything except pulling completely back from her.

By showing that you are not interested in her for a wife, that means you are not angry, jealous, rude, or selfish. Hopefully, that which makes her female, will rise to the occasion.

[breakdownbill]

By showing that you are not interested in her for a wife, that means you are not angry, jealous, rude, or selfish. Hopefully, that which makes her female, will rise to the occasion.

Hi Sandi

I've been tested today with my detaching by my W since my counselling session. She has been hounding me, wanting to know what has been said (Curiosity Overkill). I was polite on the phone & said that it was mainly about me and that I didn't feel like it was right discussing this over the phone. She carried this on via text messages. I said that the sessions were worthwhile, but she kept asking me if I wanted to talk about them in detail. So I said I'm happy to discuss them with you later, but that if we do discuss my counselling session, we both know where the conversation will probably end up and that it was totally her call. She replied saying , "OK then I'd rather not" so I replied, "Me too" then i got a , "fair enough" to which I replied, "Are you OK?" I got a "Yeah xx" back to which I replied, "Thanks babe xx".

Now I'm pretty sure I could've handled this a little better, but did I do that badly here, considering?

[breakdownbill]

My WAW is due home shortly, re: above post from a woman's point of view. Would you be annoyed with your husband about the above conversation. Just trying to get a heads up before she comes home.

Any advice is appreciated.