Journaling on this beautiful Saint Patrick's Day in old town, Alexandria: how is it possible to be sad and so incredibly grateful for your life at the same time? Sitting at a quiet Lebanese bar while people go by in green shirts, headed to Irish bars. Breathing in the clean, warm air from outside and marveling how people end up so many places they never thought they would end up -- and how those places are sometimes places of lonely, wonderful grace.
Hope everyone is havIng an amazing St. Patrick's Day.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Well, the weekend was mixed. What is encouraging is that I can now take care of myself through the sadness. I am still obviously not detached. After not hearing from h all of Friday, he called Saturday morning to ask if I needed to go grocery shopping (he has the car). I did and he came to pick me up. I was hurt by his seeming lack of enthusiasm to see me. In the past, he has always seemed happy to see me after a few days of absence. He had allergies and was a bit hung over from the night before, so that might have contributed to his low-energy behavior, but I was hurt nontheless. Yep, still have those expectations.
We both bought groceries and h stored them in my refrigerator because he had to rush downtown to go to a video game exhibit with friends. He refused to tell me who was going to be there (and I shouldn't have asked, but I did). This is typical behavior for him. He was always bent out of shape if I asked who he was going out with, as though it was none of my business. Now even doubly so. Lesson learned. We're separated and it really IS none of my business who he meets now. I am just asking for heartache when he won't tell me.
Anyway, he left me to put away his groceries and hurried out the door. The rest of the afternoon was nice for me. I showered and went out to old town to get my legs waxed (I know that doesn't sound like much fun, but I love taking care of myself like that. It's like pampering for me). I then stopped by my favorite Lebanese place and had stuffed grape leaves and a dirty martini. I felt calm and refreshed, if not a little sad at my h's behavior. I got home and settled down to watch the Harry Potter marathon on television when my h came back to get his groceries.
Here I did something that was probably not right. He was hungry and was on his way out when I suggested he stay and order food so we could hang out and watch a movie together. He seemed happy about that. I get the feeling that he is waiting for ME to ask HIM to do things together, to initiate contact. This is confusing since he is the WAS. He is the one who decided that he could no longer be with me, that he needed space and time to think. Yet, he is somehow waiting for me to be the pursuer. Don't know what to do about this.
So there was no contact on Sunday at all. It made me sad. But like I said, I can still take care of myself in this sadness. I made a homemade chicken stock and roasted a whole chicken. I did the laundry, read my fashion books, and watched movies. By the evening, I did my whole Sunday night spa routine and it made me feel better about myself.
I realize that he is hurting my spirit and I am letting him. I don't want to pursue him. He was loud and clear that this separation is his issue, that he needs to be alone and sort things out, and that he needs to make decisions about his life. I need to make decisions, too. I need to do things that are nurturing and healing for myself and pursuing my h is not one of them. I am planning a whole week of GAL.
Hope everyone is having a great Monday.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Mimi - I need to channel a little bit of you for myself. You seem to be well on your way to detachment even if you backslide occasionally.
With my H still being at home, and channeling Ward Cleaver himself, I feel like I'm on the detachment merry-go-round. Maybe one day.
Keep it up!
Btw - I know you mentioned your beauty regimen before. Can you tell it again. I think I need to start investing in myself a little more. I'm not really up for a lot of GALing outside of the house because of the vertigo issue, so I think this would be perfect for me.
Mimi - I need to channel a little bit of you for myself. You seem to be well on your way to detachment even if you backslide occasionally.
With my H still being at home, and channeling Ward Cleaver himself, I feel like I'm on the detachment merry-go-round. Maybe one day.
Keep it up!
Btw - I know you mentioned your beauty regimen before. Can you tell it again. I think I need to start investing in myself a little more. I'm not really up for a lot of GALing outside of the house because of the vertigo issue, so I think this would be perfect for me.
Ro, thank you so much! Sometimes I feel that I am getting nowhere, but then one day I feel so much better that I know all of my past determination has had some effect. I really hear you that living in the same house with your h can be very challenging as far as detachment goes. I wish I had some advice, but I was even less detached when h was around all the time. I guess all you can do is to aggresively GAL and try not to base your activities, reactions, and emotions on what your h is doing or saying at the moment. Maybe meditation in a quiet room by yourself can help. I have always wanted to do it, but have never had the patience. This experience is certainly teaching me patience, and you, too, I would bet.
So, my beauty routine. I do this every Sunday night to relax and get ready for the week. Apart from a candlelit shower, it mostly involves my face. 1) facial scrub to exfoliate skin; 2) facial cleanser; 3) mud mask; 4) face refreshing spray to tone and balance; 5) serum to nourish and soften; 6) moisturizer; 7) undereye cream. I also plan to add a hair mask and body exfoliation at some point. I use naturopathica prodcuts, which are not cheap but make my skin feel amazing (I scour amazon and ebay for the best prices). They are also natural and free of toxic chemicals, which is really important to me. Thanks for asking!
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Just got a call from my h. He sounded pretty flat and said that he was bored yesterday. Then he said that I would have enjoyed the evening he had drinking wine with his new roommate and a neighbor while gossiping about people who live in the neighborhood. I have to say, I was proud of myself in this conversation. Sometimes in an effort not to pursue, I swing to the other end and seem disinterested or tense. This time, I cheerfully answered his questions about what I did yesterday and my plans for the week, while reciprocating and commenting on his plans, etc. I was non-defensive, cheerful, pleasant, non-clingy, and calm. Getting somewhere!
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
Btw - I know you mentioned your beauty regimen before. Can you tell it again. I think I need to start investing in myself a little more. I'm not really up for a lot of GALing outside of the house because of the vertigo issue, so I think this would be perfect for me.
i was wondering the same thing, Ro. Thanks for asking.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
A few notes this morning. First: the whole beauty routine thing. I learned what to do and how to do it by having a great facial at the Four Seasons hotel in Philly a few years ago. This is a great way to get your beauty routine started. Go to a good salon, have a facial, and, if you like it, have the esthetician write down the products she used. I recommend the organic facial at the Four Seasons as a special treat.
Second: just wanted to pass on that I am reading a book about being uncoupled that I find very enpowering. It's called "Single: the Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independant." I am constantly reading something and these days it is books like this to help me through the process.
And finally: had a little run-in with my h this morning. I was about to board my train to work when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was my h, who had a huge grin on his face, and gave me a big kiss and hug before I boarded. Had me smiling, but determined to not make too much of it.
Well, I have my six month oncology appointment this afternoon, so wish me luck! Hope this Tuesday is going well for everyone.
Mimi
M:37; H:37; M:10 years;T:13 years;no kids. Bomb ("I love you, but don't feel things for you I should":1/08/12 Separated (H living with various friends:1/18/12 Separated (H rented his own apartment:3/4/12
