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#2233550 - 03/27/12 02:06 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Accuray]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
I understand wanting to keep his stuff around as a token reminder of him (I have a house, closet, drawers and garage) full of H's things... And I have no desire to remove them.

IMO: Your issue is more with the fact that he's using your sons as a loophole to your boundary agreement, and that's disrespectful. I'm with nhmom, let this one slide, but of it happens again- you have every right to calmly remind him of your previous agreement and that you don't appreciate him putting your kids in the middle of a situation that is between you and him. (I think part of your irritation is the mama bear coming out to protect your kids from something that shouldn't be their drama to solve.)
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2233552 - 03/27/12 02:23 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: purgatory]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1819
I struggle with the same dilemma. I feel like I am still holding on to him by holding onto his stuff. Let him take it. We cant hold on to them. They will come back on their own.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2233588 - 03/27/12 05:19 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: adinva]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Originally Posted By: adinva

I think you feel sensitive about seeming petty, and that's your goodwill fighting against your rule-enforcer..


i really like the way you put that - when i stop myself to inspect why i am all worked up - i find it's because i am being petty about something
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2233590 - 03/27/12 05:20 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: BklynMom]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
exactly, me too. you're right - let them take it...
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2233756 - 03/27/12 09:28 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: zig]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Zig - where did you come from? All of a sudden I see you writing these amazing posts all over the place. I think I need to read yours!

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#2233781 - 03/27/12 11:01 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks everyone for your insight and helping me dig deeper. The stuff in the garage is a dead issue for now.

I posted a bit on ces's thread about why I've continued on my path of being married but not in a marriage. I've been separated for over a year with very minimal contact with H and most people ask, "WHY?"

The bomb was the catalyst for me to wake up and save my life. No, I wasn't suicidal but I was dying a slow and unhappy death. I was simply going through the motions of living life, too afraid of losing "control" to love, to have fun, to enjoy the beautiful things this life has to offer.

Today I started re-reading When Things Fall Apart(Chodron) and am so happy I picked it up again. I first read it in the month or 2 after the bomb and it was difficult for me because I wasn't ready to face impermanence or contemplate letting go.

I opened the book to a random page and read this: "Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."

I read that over and over, even highlighted it.

In the course of this year I have had to face my fear, my anger, my guilt, my shame, again and again. I've learned to accept those feelings as a part of me, but they are not me. Feel it, accept it, move on.

Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...

From the book: "...things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2233786 - 03/27/12 11:18 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2544
Loc: Piney Land
I like Bugsy^^^. but you are getting too smart and will soon need to translate for me.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2233876 - 03/28/12 11:12 AM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Rick1963]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Bugsy...that was beautiful...and all of us can learn from this deep insight. I'm proud to know you and be your friend. You're an amazing woman!

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#2233895 - 03/28/12 12:37 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: labug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
Originally Posted By: labug

Pain happens, it's a part of life but the more I hide from pain the more I miss the good things life has to offer. I controlled in order to keep pain and hurt at bay. By putting up a wall around the vulnerable part of me, I also walled out joy, happiness, love...



So very true labug!! This is wonderful. I am really glad you picked up the book again and got so much out of it this time. You have come so far in this year (((labug)))
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2233896 - 03/28/12 12:40 PM Re: Dagnabit! [Re: Autumn Leaves]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
((labug))

I have the book on my kindle, but haven't finished reading it yet. Thanks for reminding me to pick it up again. It is very enlightening.
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



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