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#2227646 - 03/05/12 10:08 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Getting stronger by the day. Last night she texted me that she was going for a drink with a g'friend that just got back into town, and I just replied "ok." When she got home, just asked her if she had a good night, she said yes and kissed me.
I am pretty much resigned to let God take over and what He wants for me will be. I cannot control anything but me. Since I have giver her space, I think she's inching back. Just need to keep on and not read anything into her actions/words. Hard, but keeps me focused better.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2228300 - 03/06/12 08:07 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
4 More days till week long trip alone w/ W and in-laws. nervous, but feeling better about it. I'm just going to be the H that anyone would be in love with. Then, a week after we get back from that, I'm the host for her 40th bash with all family (all in-laws)and friends all night. This is a busy month for us, then we move on to several friends and family's weddings coming up and summer vacay with the kids.
It's kind of surreal that we are in la-la land as a couple and all these activities going on. D finding out and freaking out about OM and W having to deal with someone other than me and my pain over it, I think was a different shock to W that she hadn't thought of and maybe the fog is lifting. She swore to both of us that it was over, so I think she's trying. She told me she's daily "trying to do the right thing." i think she is on her level, and i have to have compassion for her there.
I have been doing many GAL activities with kids and on my own, and we talk about most everything EXCEPT R, so it's kinda peaceful here, just odd that all these activities going on and were not physically close except for a couple of kisses a day.
I think we'll eventually work the R out, and now I think I'm more realistic on timeframe and lack thereof. I assumed after 1st bomb we'd be on the outs for a couple of weeks, and we did get physical about a week after, but a couple of months past that, we went to where we are now.
All I know, is that God has a plan, and however it ends up, I'll be ok. That is what I keep reminding myself when I doubt.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2228664 - 03/07/12 05:41 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
I do feel better almost every day. I'm trying my best to focus on me and my kids and just seem happy and pleasant around W. She still seems to be trying in her way, and I guess that's the best I can hope for now.
Working on unconditional love, it's just that living in limbo land is frustrating to say the least. I will not S or D, so that is in her court, IF she wants to go that route, I just know that being with her and close it's hard not to be physical beyond a kiss here and there. THAT, seems like a waste to me. Not that I'd even consider any other R right now, but I do have human needs there and this is the longest I've been without for over 25 years. Also, all the working out makes me even more wanting sexual relations, so that is tough. I know monks and such go a lifetime, but that's not me. This physical need, not just sex, but hugging, etc., is my toughest struggle right now, in all honesty.
Meeting with my minister tomorrow to pray about our upcoming vacay in 3 days and for spiritual advice...
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2231540 - 03/18/12 08:31 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Well, shouldn't have gone on trip. Went ok after a fight 1st night and she asked me to stay and signed up for Retrouvaile. But now we are getting D. W is filing tomorrow and I will not contest. I'm ok with her D just sad for 3 kids. I have come to realize that I need to be with someone that loves and wants to be with me and I deserve better than her MLC crap. I am missing love by way too much. You all on this board are stronger than me.

I tried, not hard enough I admit, but I feel free now. In 31 days from tomorrow, this chapter will be over and i can pick up my life with my kids and really begin detaching from her. I will focus on me and start to date slowly after I heal more and am capable of giving a woman what she deserves.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2231557 - 03/18/12 10:40 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
I'm sorry about the latest JL. It's all your perspective, perhaps you are stronger in being able to let go and envision a bright future for yourself w/o your W. My w moved out 8 months ago and I struggle to see myself in the future w/ someone else.

How did you go from signing up for Retrouvaille to filing for D so abrubtly?
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2231572 - 03/18/12 01:05 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: sayitaintso]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
Originally Posted By: Jlove
I tried, not hard enough I admit, but I feel free now. In 31 days from tomorrow, this chapter will be over and i can pick up my life with my kids and really begin detaching from her.


BUT is an excuse not to do what you know you should or what you want.

OK I am not here to convince you to contest your D. Actually that means nothing. Your D.

Really it doesn't. yes you do deserve to have someone who loves you but what does that mean J?

Your W may not be showing you what you think love is right now.

I may have said this before to you cause I say it a lot because it is important that you understand and that you not use your W as excuse for not trying...

use your W as an excuse to be victim of her choices instead of making your own.

You want off the hook?

sure go ahead no one will blame you. This is hard but you are missing something if you head for the exit.

The show isn't over. Hers maybe but not yours because you are writing it.

So when you said your vows did you say:

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life, for better or worse

BUT

If you stop showing me love the way I need to see it.

If you are scared and confused. If you are so scared you run away from me and can't see your way

THEN I won't."

As that what you meant to say that day?

I know it is hard to see right now J but you even said up there you haven't detached yet.

Detachment is a necessary step to seeing what you need to see to find YOUR way.

Not her way. Yours. If you are attached, then you make choices from your emotions and that will leave a scar on you my friend.

THAT will hurt you and keep hurting you. There is a difference between moving on and moving FORWARD.

This is not about her unless you let it be about her. It is not about her choices

It is how react to those choices that will make all the difference J.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2231598 - 03/18/12 04:44 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: sayitaintso]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: sayitaintso
I'm sorry about the latest JL. It's all your perspective, perhaps you are stronger in being able to let go and envision a bright future for yourself w/o your W. My w moved out 8 months ago and I struggle to see myself in the future w/ someone else.

How did you go from signing up for Retrouvaille to filing for D so abrubtly?


W said she was filing after she came home after 2 am last night again and we got in an argument. Now, she says she will go and if the weekend doesn't work, then maybe it's over. who knows...
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


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#2231599 - 03/18/12 04:47 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: Truegritter]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Originally Posted By: Jlove
I tried, not hard enough I admit, but I feel free now. In 31 days from tomorrow, this chapter will be over and i can pick up my life with my kids and really begin detaching from her.


BUT is an excuse not to do what you know you should or what you want.

OK I am not here to convince you to contest your D. Actually that means nothing. Your D.

Really it doesn't. yes you do deserve to have someone who loves you but what does that mean J?

Your W may not be showing you what you think love is right now.

I may have said this before to you cause I say it a lot because it is important that you understand and that you not use your W as excuse for not trying...

use your W as an excuse to be victim of her choices instead of making your own.

You want off the hook?

sure go ahead no one will blame you. This is hard but you are missing something if you head for the exit.

The show isn't over. Hers maybe but not yours because you are writing it.

So when you said your vows did you say:

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life, for better or worse

BUT

If you stop showing me love the way I need to see it.

If you are scared and confused. If you are so scared you run away from me and can't see your way

THEN I won't."

As that what you meant to say that day?

I know it is hard to see right now J but you even said up there you haven't detached yet.

Detachment is a necessary step to seeing what you need to see to find YOUR way.

Not her way. Yours. If you are attached, then you make choices from your emotions and that will leave a scar on you my friend.

THAT will hurt you and keep hurting you. There is a difference between moving on and moving FORWARD.

This is not about her unless you let it be about her. It is not about her choices

It is how react to those choices that will make all the difference J.





Thanks for the advice TG. I have to stop operating out of pain and out of love. I'm just at my wits end and I don't want my kids to see this. it's a slow train wreck and I just want the pain to go away.

You are right, those were my vows, for better and worse. This is worse, so i still have to love. She can file after Retrouvaille if she wants to and I won't try to stop her. i'll let her go if I need to at this point.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2231635 - 03/18/12 08:38 PM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Now she says it's me that wants D and I've told her that ball is in her court, at least for now. We are back on to Retrouvaille next month and then see where we go from there. I am REALLY trying to give her space and just love, regardless of what I get/perceive coming from her.

This morning she hates me and is leaving tomorrow/filing D to later she cannot commit to me, but doesn't want to hurt the kids, to is back to "trying my best." This is a roller coaster like no other and I am really trying not to get on. I do love her, not her actions.

I just hope we can learn some things that will help us next month at Retrouvaille as I don't really think she wants to go, but is looking at it as a last ditch, "see I tried it and it didn't work," type thing. I cannot control that I just don't understand. I know that it has a high success rate and of course should have no expectations, but does anyone have any input on weather it helps with a spouse that doesn't really want to try, but doesn't really want to leave also. So confused.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
#2232005 - 03/20/12 08:12 AM Re: New trying to DB-Help! [Re: jlove]
jlove Offline
Member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 126
Since sunday it's been calm around the house. W came home early and is kissing me and hasn't filed D. I really think if it's going to happen, I'll have to file. She told D that she wants us to stay together as a family. Oh confusion...And her BIG 40 is this week so I know there's a tom of MLC going on with her.

Curious about how Retrouvaille will help us in 3 weeks??? due to our schedules, the followup weeks will be hard to make more than a few.

I just need to constantly focus on being at peace with me and being the man that I want to be and I'll be ok.
_________________________
M 43, W 40
T 22. M 14
D 14, S 9, S 8
DD 11/21/11
Retrouvaille 4/13/12--and the healing begins as we begin a new journey together!


Top
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