Husband left me...feel hopeless

[hopingandpraying]

So, I've decided that if he does not respond to going out this week or denies me, I am going to go completely dark from him. It will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I have a lot of family and friends to support me.

H is also watching the dog/house next week when I go on vacation, so I guess I'm also hoping he will be in our house and see what he is missing out on. I can hope and pray that it could happen...only time will tell!

[pulpwood]

HAP,

Something I started a while back is keeping a record in my solutions journal. I started a page where I would note my good days (no backsliding, persuit, etc.) and bad days (persuing, questioning her about our future, etc.). At the top of the page I made two colums good/bad. I just place the dates in each column.

Upon starting it I back dated it a bit. About 2 weeks. What I could remember anyway. I noticed that 4 days in a row was my max. It was an eyeopener. So I made it a goal to go for 5. Then more, and more. So on. It helps me stay motivated, in those moments I want to crack. Sometimes I do so without thinking. But I have definitely gotten way better.

[pulpwood]

Also my bad days were not created out of bad intentions. I just felt that if we could talk it over, we could work things out. It never went that way. I always felt worse after talking and truly things were worse. I would never hear what I so desperately wanted to hear. So, in my experience anyway, talking is not all it is cracked up to be.

There is a book, "how to save your M w/o talking". Its pretty informative.

[Milady]

Hoping- Thanks for the comment on my thread. You're right, there are a lot of similarities in our situations. Try to be strong. My H has continued to contact me more and more as I have contacted him less and less.
Also, in one of your earlier posts you said something to the effect of "this is so hard, but I have so many good things in my life to be happy about." That is such an awesome attitude to have and it inspires me to try to think more that way. I've noticed I'm becoming a little obsessed with my problems and I don't want to forget to be thankful for all the good things I have.

[hopingandpraying]

I'm having a hard time 'going dark.' My H texted me the other day saying 'he had errands to run' and that's why we couldn't do dinner! (This was Monday.) I ignored his ridiculous excuse and did not say a thing. Then he texted me a minute later asking "where is airplane pillow was..." because he's going out of town this weekend. I did not respond to that text either.

I am just so mad...I can't even believe who this man is and how he can detach himself from me so much in such a short time. He will be staying at our house when he returns from his trip because I will be going on my trip and he is going to watch the dog.

I am just so hurt and lost. It will be 6 weeks of separation this Friday and I've seen no improvement whatsoever. I feel like in his head he has made up his mind and is moving further away from me. I feel hopeless at this point...

[jks]

I think with you going completely dark it will give him something to think about. That you're not always going to be there for him. However, while you're going dark do not do it out of anger. Do it because you want him to have space. Ignoring him would not be ideal. It will only make him angry and he'll have one more reason why he doesn't want to be with you. Still respond but only short answers and leave it at that.

If he is offering information to you, like he starts telling you about things that are going on in his life, then continue on with short responses. Do not get caught up in wanting to talk to him all about it just because you so desperately want to talk to him. I think you will see results with this one way or the other.

And remember to celebrate your small victories and be proud of yourself for coming as far as you have. Eventually, you'll be so adamant that what you're doing is best that you won't have the desire to contact him anymore. And if you do, just keep posting here. That is what helped me the most.

I feel a little ridiculous giving you this advice with you knowing what I've been going through, however, I do know that my DBing efforts is what gave my H the change of heart that he needed. Now I just need to find a way to work through his infidelity.

[hopingandpraying]

Yes, I'm trying to go completely dark. I know I shouldn't do it out of anger, but to try to save my M. However, right now it's giving me that 'something' to go dark that I didn't have before.

I'm so glad to hear that your H has had a change of heart!

[Accuray]

Stephanie,

You lost me when you changed your screenname, sorry about that! I was wondering where your thread went. In any case, you are doing a lot of pursuing, every time he turns around you're there for him. You're getting a lukewarm reception because you're still not giving him space -- you're texting him, you're asking him on dates, you're at his parents house, you're calling him, etc.

I completely understand why you're doing it, it *feels* like the right thing to do. It feels like you're doing something to establish how much you love him and want him back.

Here's the thing -- he knows how you feel. You've made yourself very clear -- you want him. As long as he knows that, there's really no reason for him to check in with you. He can do his own thing, try to "find himself", and take as long as he wants, because he knows that if he decides to come back, you'll be waiting on the front porch with open arms. Unfortunately, that allows you to be "out of mind", because he knows exactly what your mental state is.

If you stop contacting him for a few weeks, or better yet, stop answering HIS calls and texts, then he's going to wonder what's going on. That wondering will bring you into his thoughts more and more and will influence how he's feeling about the situation. You must make him wonder, and you do that by not being transparent, and definitely not by pursuing.

You also want to shake things up, get a different hairstyle, dress differently, when he sees you, you want him to think twice about what you're up to and why you look different. If he calls or texts, wait until the next day to respond unless it's an emergency, and be brief and vague in your reply.

It will NOT hurt your sitch if he starts to wonder if you've moved on. That will actually help, and that is counter-intuitive. If you can be happy and carefree and non-committal when you see him, that's what you want.

Think of him like a work acquaintance and have the same expectations you would have of someone in that situation -- you're going to be friendly and cordial, you're not going to be overly personal. If you extend an invitation and they decline, you're really not going to care at all. To a work acquaintance you wouldn't say "let's go get ice cream together", you'd say "I'm going to go get ice cream, do you want to come?" The point is, no matter what they say, you're going anyway, so their response just isn't that important.

At this point, you shouldn't even be making those casual overtures. I would definitely recommend going completely dark, as much for him as for you. It will force you to detach and figure out how to pick yourself back up on your own -- that's where you need to get.

It will be painful -- grit your teeth. If you feel you just can't do it, then put a date on your calendar three weeks from today and allow yourself to text H on that day. If you're tempted to reach out, look at the calendar and remind yourself that you'll have a chance.

There is no need to reinforce how you feel at this point -- he knows!

Accuray

[Accuray]

I can also explain why he won't commit to dinner -- he's afraid. He's afraid that agreeing to dinner with you will signal to you that he wants to work on the M, and he's not there yet. Therefore, if he goes, he's afraid the expectations will create yet more pressure on him. He's also afraid you're going to make him feel badly by seeming sad, unhappy, etc. and letting him know he's the cause. He feels guilty and he doesn't want to reinforce that.

When he looks at a date with you, he sees more hurt and potential negatives than positives. What's he going to get out of it?

I'm not saying this to make you feel badly, just to give you a view into why he's acting this way. Your expectations are scary to him right now, and he doesn't want to be responsible for your feelings.

If he believes you're happy, working on yourself and doing your own thing, and he's not sure what you're up to, there's some positive motivation there for him to go on a date: he can potentially share in your happiness, he can try to figure out what's going on with you, there's no dark cloud hanging over your head, etc.

Make sense?

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

Accuray,

It does all make sense. The only reason I suggested a date was because our DB coach suggested that we go on one date the first week and two dates the next week and so on. He agreed to this and said he would give it a try. We went on our first date and it went okay.

I, then, suggested the second one and when he said no "he was running errands." I simply said okay and have not texted/contacted him since. I am trying so hard to go dark and hope that this works at some point for us.

As for now, I'm trying to GAL....Zumba and putting more time into my work.