Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12

[Crimson]

I feel pretty clear where I am going to have to land with our mutual friend. Luckily, I only see her once....maybe twice a month. We text, but trust me when I say it does not even closely approach EA territory at all. Still - I won't let anyone else dethrone my w in terms of importance.

So we have/had ANOTHER mutual friend in town this weekend that was visiting from the Northwest. This is one of those few (if not only) friends that we both remain "OK" with and communicate here and there. Friday night was w's night with s. Said she needed a little "girl time" with our friend. I told her I would take s - not a problem at all. She told me that she would only be gone an hour or two - but I told her to relax and take all the time she wants - I had s covered (I really wanted the time with him anyway!) - 180, done!. She was really grateful and S and I had a great time just hanging out. I met up with her and our friend for breakfast and coffee and to hand him back to her.

After breakfast w, s and I walked around an outdoor mall nearby and just goofed around for awhile. We had a fun - we both enjoy S and it is really clear that he is in a state of bliss when we both are together with him. As we were leaving I told her that I would be watching my alma mater and hers play this evening and she was welcome to come by. Ironically, if both of our teams would have won today they would have had to play each other (hers lost). I was looking forward to having "Crimson vs. Mrs. Crimson" appear somewhere other than court documents.

I ordered a few pizzas and w and son came by. Watched both games - I even made some green beer to be festive. We had a great time, just laughing having a few drinks and watching the games. We were trying to get s to root for our respective teams.....of course, dad is gonna win that battle!

W helped me straighten up, put PJs on S and then they both drove off. It was really a nice visit.

It's funny - we have been spending a lot of good time together - no stress, no tension....just fun. Still, though, she has not indicated at all that she is walking away from D....and I do NOT ask. I feel hopeful, but just don't know. I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth - I am happy to be where I am. Furthermore, I know this is an exercise in patience. I suppose every once and again my nerves get to me a bit. Still - staying the course.

Crismon

[labug]

Hey Crimson, I was on the 202 yesterday, waved to you!

Don't know if you're anywhere near the 202 but it's the thought that counts.

[ces67]

Glad it was a good evening for you C. Also home something official can show up to slow, halt or stop the D. Good job keeping it all in check.

[jks]

I love reading your posts. They're so inspirational. Gives me hope and I'm very happy for you.

[Snowman]

Crimson-I have not posted much on others stitches but others have referred me to yours due to being similarity. I have been near divorce for sometime with our papers being nearly finalized but my W then indicated that she may want to work on things and has been more open and communicative of late. My posting is called "W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2" . Please take a look from your world of things.

I can sympathize with your situation of working with your W meanwhile a D lingers in the background. Keep up the good work and I will be following your thread for sure.

[Crimson]

Snowman - I posted to your thread.

LA - I work off of the 202 and can see it clearly from my office right next to Tempe Town Lake. I'll just assume the wave is waiting for me when I get to work tomorrow.

Taking some "me" time today in a relatively rainy city. Trying to exercise some patience and stay out of my head today. Have to write my w another big honkin' check today. Always hard to do. Not hard to help her, but hard to accept the fact that it is being mandated by the court. Makes me feel like I'm an assumed "dead beat" - and I just don't like that feeling.

I know I am going off on a tangent here, but I'm actually more venting than anything else. Posting helps me get things off of my chest. That said......

W's father is so pro-marriage, pro "family values" I struggle with the notion that he had been so strong in her ear to just be done with me. She said during our long talk the other day that he didn't think I did (or had done, or am doing) enough to support w during this time. Especially in the beginning when she was living on her own and weighing under 100 pounds (she confessed that she was close to being hospitalized). When she left, she took more than half of our total savings - walking away with thousands of dollars. She said she needed the money to "help get started". I did not fight her on it at all. She never told me how much or even IF she gave money to her L. As far as I knew she had plenty of money to get started and be OK. Come to find out she gave nearly ALL of it to her L and had very little to get started, find a place to live, housing items and so on. She never asked me for anything more. Hell, she never really talked to me about money, her living situation, her health, nothing. Even when I bought her a bed (remember that?) she said "I'm not asking you for the help but if you are offering I will take it". I did it because I was worried about her and her health.

How does her father get the picture that I was withholding help from her? That I was leaving her to suffer and die? I gave her all I could while I was struggling to keep in "survival mode" myself. I was a total mess and barely able to take good care of myself and my son. How was I supposed to care for a WAW, too?

Her father feeling that way towards me makes me feel as if I literally abandoned her. Like I kicked her and my son penniless out of the house to fend for themselves. I just don't think that was the case. If you remember. Early on everyone said the right thing to do was to keep my distance and let her be. That's what I did and I stand by it. I fully own my part I what caused the breakdown in our marriage, but I won't own leaving her to die. Not a day passed when I didn't care about her and how she was doing.

I realize that this is about me and my FIL and not me and my W. She has been supportive and understanding during this process and told me to to take on any bad feelings about myself relating to her dad's view of me.

Again, I am just venting and I know this is something that someday I will have to just work through.

Crimson

[Rick1963]

Crimson FIL will always protect his daughter.W may have said things that may have sounded as if you abandoned them. Even if not true. If things work out you will hopefully forgive him and move on. Regarding money, in my case I still pay practically everything even though my W earns much more. The money thing hurts but what can you do.

[Snowman]

Rick,

Thanks for your post on my thread. It helps to hear from someone in a similar boat.

As for the FIL thing I bet my FIL is probably saying the same thing even though I gave my W half the money (thousands) to do what she pleases with it of the which she blew a lot of clothes and crap. Like Rick said all FIL will protect their daughters and I would assume your own F would side with you. That's just what family does.

Crimson you know the truth that you did not leave her abandon and desperate and it was her choice to leave. Don't let this get down on you. It unfortunately is part of the deal when letting someone leave. The leaving of my W sucked too and I worried about but it was her choice and she had plenty of money to do what she needed. If your W felt that giving all her money to a L was most important then that's her decision and part of the consequences.

Take care and keep focused on the positive .

[Crimson]

So w came by last night to drop off s, didn't stay long because she had work to do coming off of spring break. Handed a check over to her and she said "what's this for?".....I said I would get her the other half before the month is out. It's always an odd transaction - handing those checks over - and I can tell that she feels a little awkward or uncomfortable receiving them.

So something has been rushing through my mind since we had that long talk on her patio last week. Before I go into this, let me clearly state that it isn't a point of anger - or something I even plan on bringing up with w at all. I am just trying to figure out "why" this is and if anyone else has experienced it.

So as I posted previously, it is very clear that w and I were BOTH struggling to survive after bomb was dropped - and especially after she moved out. She wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was falling into depression and so was I.

After some of our MC sessions I really walked away with the feeling that she really, REALLY thought I was hostile towards her during that period and just LOOKING for ways to be hurtful towards her - "ruin her life" as she said.

I have told her a few times that I was running a full spectrum of emotions - and yes, that DID include anger from time to time (especially when it had to do with custody matters) but overpowering sadness and depression were by FAR the dominant emotions for me. I was really doing my best to get my feet on the floor in the morning and make it to my office.....and take care of my son when I had him. I wasn't "plotting against" my w at all. I think she really believes that I was actively looking for ways to make her life uncomfortable - looking for ways to hurt her.....and I think she STILL believes this about that period in time.

What she doesn't know - or can't see at the moment is the fact that I was a complete train wreck emotionally and was just trying to take care of myself and my son and stop hurting. I did not have the slightest bit of malicious intent towards her at all - I wasn't LOOKING to hurt her.

I can't help but wonder why she believes that? Is it that it is easier to leave someone that you think is trying to hurt you than it is to leave someone who is crushed and hurting that you are gone? Her peception of my thoughts and actions at that time are not reflective of what was actually going on (it's all well documented in older threads).

Is this something I should just let go of? I am thinking that it is. I think "old" me would have really fought to get her to see that I wasn't trying to destroy her - because I wasn't. Now I am beginning to see that I may never change that perception in her head/heart and it may not be worth addressing at all.

I guess when it comes down to it, it bothers me that she really believes that I was "out to get her" in some manner or another and looking to make her suffer.

Crimson

[MrBond]

If it's in C, then I would suggest addressing it right then and there. Have the C serve as the moderator so that it doesn't sound like either of you are attacking the other.

Be honest and stick to how you felt.