W told me today she is going back on meds. She had decided on her own to go off them and its been crazier than usual as a result. Apparently the psychiatrist found out and said...don't do that!
I'm doing my best to help her find her way out of this trap. She talks to me all the time and whenever she does it is any number of different topics and times in her life. And the emotions are all over the place in any conversation.
I think what's gonna happen is she is very close to the edge of disaster and is desperately purging whatever is in her to find answers. In a way I am acting as a kind of unofficial psychiatrist to her (god help her!). I have found that what seems to work is if I let her let it all out and wait a day or two to respond...something might stick every now and then. Instead of me answering her questions saying something like...okay I see what you mean...have you thought about this or that? Instead, I say it more in general terms about people in those types of situations and then say what I think might help them. A tiny difference but it seems to take the defensiveness and running away out of her.
These marathon session go on until one or both of us drop from exhaustion. The weird thing is she never ever asks me anything about my life. It's just so weird, like I could be into anything at all and she wouldn't know anything about me.
I am seeing some ways to help her break out her fears and take a leap into doing something where she feels she is getting some answers and meaning in her life. I want her to make it through this for her, live, succeed, find her place on earth and in spirit.
I see her having a massive journey ahead of her. She's trying at getting over all this trauma and then has to catch up in emotional development from childhhod to now. I can't see it happening any other way than by going out on her own and getting through all of this.
For me, I see that and also live with the consequences of her lifestyle choices that are going on. That's why I moved forward to protect the rest of us. Maybe some day she will be through this and she will feel at ease with herself.
For now she is looking east for something unknown to her, and i am looking west knowing how I want to live. Is where I am the infamous ILYBIMILWU or however the hell you spell it? I do know I will always want the best for her, and every bit of work I am doing with her in this nowadays is for her only. The former thought patterns of how everything related back to saving our M is gone.
When she is talking and there's a lot of her talking and me listening I find myself thinking of how she has no idea that I will do anything for her to find a way out of this for her, she keeps talking and asking and I'll help her. I am very protective of her. I also keep thinking of how far I have pulled away. I keep looking at her while she talks and I keep sending out internal signals to find the passionate love I had for her...no response. Today, she was talking and I was forcing myself to look at her physically which is tough because I think of her in an A and get totally turned off, but nonetheless I gave it the old college try to see if there was any turn-on factor left for her. I never would have thought it possible but there really isn't. Just nothing.
Feeling pretty good about all else though - sons. my life as an individual, future R, career. I haven't forgotten what a tragedy this is, but working on rebuilding from ground zero.