Well, I went both to IC yesterday, and the intake assessment for the abuse intervention program. Strangely, things turned out the opposite of what I expected.
While my IC remains supportive and encouraging, she said some things that challenged me, and one thing that stunned me.
When I told her about the abuse intervention program, she tensed up immediately, and, after some discussion, stated that she thought that W was abusive! I was shocked. Now, mind you, she has never actually met W, but was going on what I had told her. She mentioned the amount of emphasis W had placed on me fixing my problems (denying, said IC, her own role in the problem), her failure to notice when I made improvements, and the time W approached me for sex by saying that we were not OK, but she needed to "get laid." I had never really thought of it that way, and my circuits were kind of blown trying to process it. But the one thing I couldn't stop thinking about was the question of how looking at it from this perspective would help me. I mean, would it do any good for me to go home and say to W, "I think you are the abusive one, and you need to clean up your act"? Could that possibly do anything other than intensify the conflict and probably move us a few steps closer to D?
I guess that it is important to treat myself fairly, at least in my own mind, in how I perceive the situation. But it was a real mind blower to have it presented to me in that way.
Then she said something that left me confused and, later, on thinking about it, upset. She suggested that maybe I should think about "starting over" and looking for someone else who would "appreciate you for who you are." She was suggesting D as a solution - no mistaking that, as when I told her about my beliefs (Catholic) and that remarriage wasn't even an option, she countered by reminding me of how many Catholics are divorced today, and that the rules were made up when people didn't have as long life spans.
She backed off when I made it clear that my faith was something I embraced of my own personal choice, but I still feel conflicted. She has been a good therapist for me so far, but I wonder how much she will help me to pursue the M when she feels (apparently) that it is bad for me.
We finished the session talking about things I could bring into MC (tonight) in terms of helping to negotiate a peaceful life together as sort of roommates (this would be a step up from where we are now) so that we can live in peace together, hoping that something better will come of it.
Then I went to the intake assessment for the abuse intervention program. I was nervous going in. The thing is housed in a bad neighborhood (aren't these programs always?). But once I got into the nicely appointed office, things started to calm down.
The person doing my assessment was pleasant, calm and nonjudgmental - not what I expected from someone who works regularly with people sent by their proby officers. She seemed quite respectful - asked if I beat or slapped my wife (not how often), and listened patiently while I described the behaviors of concern. She seemed to be able to understand the behaviors framed as "abuse," (as W, from her point of view, is suffering abuse) without labeling me an "abuser," or "batterer." That was huge!
She then explained that this program is psychoeducational, focusing on learning how to address the "irrational beliefs and intolerable feelings" that usually underlie abuse. There are a lot of rules, and it seems as though it is going to be pretty intense. But I'm not afraid of that. In a way, it will probably be better, because I have difficulty seeing change if I am not changing constantly.
Of course, the important part is changing for myself, and I have to keep that in mind. I am starting to see some hope - faint hope, but hope nonetheless - and when I start hoping for our M, it is easy for me to lose my focus as a person separate from the M. That blurred boundary is probably part of what has placed our M at the edge of a cliff to begin with.
Praying hard. Will keep you posted.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Let me say again tread carefully. I know you trust your W and all that, but one thing you have NO control over is the court system. If it gets that far.
I'm a L and if I had a client who's husband voluntarily went to an Abuse Intervention, you bet I'm exploring that. Why? 2 reasons - for tactical reasons and for safety concerns. (I don't do family law thankfully)
Also, if there would ever be a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem)for the kids involved - they certain have a huge input. So it might not even be up to your wife to have ANY say. I did some GAL training and they try to leave no stone unturned and often their recommendations can go against what the parents want or are willing to deal with.
Also, if a 3rd party who not you or your W makes a complaint (outside of a court) then the would have to investigate.
the positive that could come out if it is that you get screened and told this program isn't for you.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier, I appreciate your expertise, especially as a L.
Unfortunately, I really don't feel I have any acceptable choices.
Yes, it has sunk in that this program comes with legal risks. But those legal risks would apply to anyone who goes into the program - would you recommend that no one participate in this type of program? There are some people for whom it could be beneficial - perhaps me.
Without my going, my kids stand to lose me anyway - that is, in my not living with them anymore. Going, there is a chance to save my family.
At any rate, I have already had the initial admission assessment...any damage that stands to be done is probably already done. I am registered in the program. In a way, I've already taken my chances, and am just waiting to see the outcome.
If there is any advice you can give me now, to protect myself without sacrificing whatever benefit I might get from this program, I would welcome it.
Thnaks for your concern and your input.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
Well, W and I went to MC, and there was some hopeful stuff there. Right now we are living "separately" (sleeping apart, talking minimally), but this is having the effect of making things more peaceful
W brought up that when we were discussing buying laundry detergent (of all things), she had felt defensive, as though she were under attack. It occurred to her, she said, that at this point in our M, we didn't know how to talk to each other about anything without feeling in conflict. That is a positive insight - she is realizing that one of the problems is our inability to communicate and that says that she actually WANTS to communicate. It also involves a problem which she feels is hers as much as mine.
I am hoping that by giving each other space (even if the space is a bit extreme right now) we will break the cycle of conflict - reapproach with hurt feelings - conflict, etc. and we can g-r-a-d-u-a-l-l-y reapproach each other (over months or even years) in a more healthy way. Maybe I will be able to get in without losing myself.
But, I guess I am getting ahead of myself. One thing at a time. First, stabilize having a peaceful life co-existing with W in the same house, perhaps even cooperatively. Then later on, perhaps we can be friends. Build trust over a period of time. But I am still on the first step, and need to focus on that one before even thinking about anything else.
And in the meantime, take care of myself, my own emotional and mental health needs. It's funny, only now am I realizing the extent to which I expected W to take care of those. Perhaps doing this alone - being responsible for my own needs and feelings - might have had a profound impact on our M.
Well, we live and we learn. No point in saying I should have learned this all earlier...I didn't, and that's the fact of the matter.
Hope everybody's doing well. Take care.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
