I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[breakdownbill]

I'm afraid you are in for more pain.

She hasn't given you all the truth.

Sandi was right and I should have listened. Last night W could tell I wasn't happy and asked me about dancing and I said that I'd had a bad day thinking about it. Then she said that she had called the OM today and that she feels it is unresolved and she doesn't know how she feels about that PA. She said that she didn't sleep with him, but wanted to.
Our M W said that she knows that she doesn't want to try anymore as she can't see us getting passed this and that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. She said that she'll help me get through the last 2 months at UNI (which I'm so behind - because of how I feel & the R), go on the holiday with the kids and me to Florida. But that it's over and she's so sorry.

I can't stop crying, I've never felt so low and so unloved and I don't know how I'm going to keep things together. I'm in a really bad place right now, please help me.

[notsosunny]

Bill...so sorry that you find yourself at this low point, but I think you knew that is was coming from what I am reading from your posts. My advise would be to get back to DB 101. You said that you have not read the divorce busting books. That is a good place to start

Review the 37 rules

Go back to your short term goals that you listed the other day
Continue to post here for support
Put the focus back on yourself..you can't and should not try to change your W decision..

Good luck

[notsosunny]

oopps....I see from the posts that you have not been given the 37 rules, maybe Cadet or Sandi can list them for you.
Also.....The DB techniques or for you and you alone. Do not share with your wife.

[notsosunny]

" are " not or

[breakdownbill]

Bill...so sorry that you find yourself at this low point, but I think you knew that is was coming from what I am reading from your posts. My advise would be to get back to DB 101. You said that you have not read the divorce busting books. That is a good place to start

Review the 37 rules

Go back to your short term goals that you listed the other day
Continue to post here for support
Put the focus back on yourself..you can't and should not try to change your W decision..

Good luck

Thanks notsosunny for your advice, I've now stopped trying to change my wife's mind and accepted the decision that she doesn't want to be with me (right now- anyway). I need to focus on me, but she said a few things today that rung true about the problems we'd been having for a long time. About me being distant and not making her feel special and loved. She said that the OM makes her feel special and good about herself. As hard as it is I can't stop this PA from happening, she's emotionally attached to this guy and at the moment things are new and must feel good - compared to all the hurting and guilt we have.

Anyway - I've took your advice and just ordered DR and DB books - i need to educate myself as to how I'm gonna recover and make me feel happy again. I feel exhausted with it all and although I want to save my marriage - I think spending some quality me time is way overdue. So I'm going to keep to my list and add some new ones.

1. Enjoy my time with the children and have fun with them.
1. Focus on my dissertation less than 2 months to go
2. Keep up the running
4. Keep up the dancing (I'm hooked now too!!)
5. Read and re-read the DR & DB Books
6. Stick to the 37 rules
7. Post often
8. Keep the faith - that if it's meant to work out with my W it will do and if it doesn't, be there for the kids and be happy.

Easier said than done I know, but I need to start DB'g now!!

[breakdownbill]

Last night I really did feel like I was starting to detach from my despair of the situation and thought only of what I needed to do. I feel like a load has been taken off my mind, because I wasn't worrying about W not wanting me or what she was doing. I watched a bit of crap TV had a beer and had a good night sleep. We still haven't formally seperated yet, but things are different and there are new unwritten boundaries. W wants to help me by transcribing interviews for my dissertation and me not have the added stress of moving out before all my work finishes. I think there is still a lot of love there from her side - but I know that the advice of detachment and stopping to try right now is the best advice I can take. I don't feel like I'm giving up on our M - I feel like I'm taking a new road, which with your help and support I know I can get there. I know I'll be there at the end of the road - and that's enough right now.

[Denver_2010]

Bill - Your W's A is not over. Grocery gave you some good advice. Do not move out of your home. She is the one having the A. If she is unhappy, then she should move out. I'd suggest telling her exactly what Grocery suggested.

Secondly, you need to read Divorce Remedy. Specifically, the chapters on infidelity and the Last Resort Technique (LRT).

You need to begin applying the LRT immediately. Your W is obviously going through some confusion. She needs to realize what she stands to lose if she continues on her current path. Bottom line, stop pursuing her. She will begin to wonder what is going on, and she will ask. Your response should be that you will not be a part of a R with her as long as OM is in her life. Leave it at that.

GAL - start doing some stuff for yourself. The dancing is great, but it sounds like that is something that you did for your W... not for you. What is something that you would like to do for yourself?

Tough situation man. I've been there. There is no way to around the pain... you have to go through it.

Denver

[breakdownbill]

You need to begin applying the LRT immediately. Your W is obviously going through some confusion. She needs to realize what she stands to lose if she continues on her current path. Bottom line, stop pursuing her.

Hi Denver thanks for the advice, I ordered the` Divorce Remedy Book & Divorce Busting one from Amazon last night, so I won't get them until Monday or Tuesday at the earliest. I'll let you know how my day's gone & you can let me know if I've done ok. So today it's 1 in the afternoon where I am as I write this. I've been up, keeping busy, cleaned the kitchen and spent time with the kids this morning whilst W had a lie in. Then I got showered had a shave and put on some decent clothes & aftershave & have took myself off to the library for the afternoon - GAL (sort of- it needs to be done). Tomorrow is Mother's day & my W invited me today to go out for the day with the kids tomorrow to a space attraction. I've said yes & I'm more than happy to spend time as a family which is so good for the kids right now. That's OK isn't it because I never initiated it right? I'm gonna look for some LRT threads so I don't screw this up before I get the DR book.

Denver, you speak a lot of sense and don't beat around the bush. Thanks for brightening up my day.

Oh by the way - the dancing - at first it was just to please my wife, but now I love it!! and I'm actually getting pretty good. I'm gonna make sure I add on to the list of GAL - though.

speak to you soon

Bill

[breakdownbill]

I found some good advice on the going dark 101 thread from Sparky which I thought I'd share. It really got through to me...

***************************************************************

Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.

There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.

One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.

And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.

As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.

And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself.

You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on. Summer in the MLC area says that you should stay dark UNLESS your spouse initiates a contact.

For me, there have been two main contacts. First, he called me several weeks ago, and we ended up talking for over an hour. Then, he told me that he wanted to meet with me to tell me some "news." At first, I did not meet with him, because I was not ready to feel more pain. I knew the news wasn't going to be good. But last week, I finally decided to recontact him and tell him that I was ready to meet to hear his news.

His news was that he was seeing the woman I had at first feared he was seeing. But I met when I was good and ready, and it was actually a really productive and authentic contact. I was ready to be calm and not plead and hear his news. And I think that even though he is with another woman, this contact was a good one, even though it was about painful stuff.

When I allow my husband to be the initiator, then he has to know that he wanted to see me. And from being dark, I, Sparky, have actually become a bit mysterious to my husband - which is hilarious, becase I'm the least mysterious person you will ever meet. And he was intrigued. And I liked it. And I'm going to keep doing this because I thing that not only is it "working," but I'm using all this time to grow as I never thought I would.

The worst thing that ever happened to me has been the best thing that ever happened to me. And even though I still feel a lot of pain, I mean that sincerely.


************* Thank you for sharing your story Sparky **********

[sandi2]

Since you have not read DR, then you may not be familiar with all the terms. I've read posts from different people that misunderstood "Going Dark". If there are no children, and the H can move out and stay away from the WAW with no contact whatsoever....then that is "going dark".

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

This is a good description of what the LBS hopes to accomplish by going dark. However, it is impossible to go dark living under the same roof and/or sharing children. To be dark means she never sees you and never has any contact from you.....period. You can't do that if you have small children.

Detaching and trying to stick to the 180's will be better for you right now. It is going to be very difficult living with her. It will take a lot of focus on your goals in order not to crash & burn. The biggest thing you can do right now is to get your eyes off her and what she's doing or not doing.

Your journey has just started. The worst is yet to come. You need to brace yourself for the ride by reading the stories here from other LBH's who discovered their W was having an affair.

Go on line and search for PEA's. This will inform you of what your W will continue to experience for several months (even if she stops the affair.)

Do not expect to see all of this resolved and back to normal in a short time.

The hardest thing for men is not doing something to fix things. It's not even a matter of fixing. It's so much more involved.

I have read some stories here from men who were in your shoes, and the WAW would end the A and the H would think things were okay b/c the OM was out of the picture. But, even when OM is out, she has so much she has to go through. You both will. It's like the MR has a terrible cancer that is cut out, only to face all the harsh treatments in order to heal and survive what the cancer did.

Your M can survive this. But it will take a very long time of healing. It can happen! It can be good again. That is the encouragement I hope to leave with you.