A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.

DIVORCE BUSTING COACHING SPECIAL TODAY ONLY!
PURCHASE 3 OR MORE COACHING SESSIONS AND SAVE $30.
CALL Cristy at 303-444-7004 to take advantage of this special discount.



Page 3 of 7 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 >
Topic Options
#2230979 - 03/15/12 10:00 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Hi Dory,

You have had quite the time but you still have a sense of humor. I like that.

About the 37 rules, guidelines, suggestions I think the important thing is to do what works. If it's getting you closer to your goals, keep it up.

Quote:
So it seemed like a good enough reason to invite H to stay & join us for dinner. He accepted the invitation.

Now, I know this ^^^ comes across as pursuing...


I don't think so, he was there, you an D were going to eat so you invited him. It gave D some time with him.

Like I said above, do what works.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2230983 - 03/15/12 10:20 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Denver_2010 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/10
Posts: 3029
Loc: Colorado
Originally Posted By: Dory


At what point is it ok (if ever) to go against some of the 37 rules?

I also wanted to add that I am 99.9% certain that there is no OW. I really don't believe that H is capable of it. H has some pretty strong opinions about infidelity (FIL cheated on MIL & H's XW did the same with H's former best friend) as well as strong opinions about those who engage in it.


You're welcome for the laugh, but I meant it when I listed it on my own thread. I believe in having the goals, applying a strategy to reaching those goals, and measuring our success as move along. Others would argue with me on this, but I have refused to accept that possibility that I would not be successful with my goals. I've had let downs, and I always haven't followed the DB strategy, or even my own strategy at times. But I've approached this like Rocky and have refused to give up.

I used to believe that I was in 'piecing' every time my W would agree to speak with me or see me for whatever reason. I'm exaggerating a bit, lol, but my point is that I was WAY to optimistic whenever I'd have positive things happen. 'Piecing' is only when both spouses are committed to the M and to reconciliation. I'm not there yet. And once we are there, it is a life long process. We will always be 'piecing'.

I'd say that you should stick very closely to the 37 rules for now. Your invitations are pursuing behavior. Pursuing behavior is also usually pressuring behavior.

Leave him be. Follow the 37 rules... or those that are applicable anyway.

Wait. See if you start seeing small signs of improvement.

Optimally, what we'd like to see is some pursuit from him. But that won't happen if you are pursuing him.

Lastly, on a down note, and please don't let this upset you... but I'd be careful in discounting the possibility of a OW. I said the same stuff about my W and was in denial. I hope that you are right, but I also don't want to see you blown out of the water with that bomb if it happens.

Hang in there.

Denver
_________________________
Me 39
W 34
Ss 13
M 3
T 9
Bomb 11/1/2010
EA/PA
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012

Just Persevere

Top
#2230984 - 03/15/12 10:21 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Denver_2010]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9288
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Confused yet, Dory?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2231211 - 03/16/12 05:31 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: labug]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: labug
Confused yet, Dory?


LOL! Yeah, it's about as clear as mud!

What I think I'll do is back off a bit with the dinner invitations. He had dinner with us on New Year's, once last week & then again last night. I figure I better not push my luck and hold off for a while.

So H came over after work last night. We got the stinky chair moved into the garage & ordered Chinese. I packaged up some of the leftovers for him to take home, which he appreciated.

One thing I noticed last night is that his posturing towards me is starting to change...for over a year his body language when interacting with me has been very closed off - I've even mentioned this to him numerous times (pre-bomb) which was met with the standard, "I don't know what you're talking about."

But last night this was not the case. His face seemed more relaxed, his arms weren't crossed and he could manage to keep eye contact with me for longer than a split second. Now I can't say that it's H making an actual effort or if it's all subconscious on his part...I don't know if this is the first instance of it or the first time I've noticed the change. Whatever the case may be, I'll take it as a positive step forward.

When I was leaning over trying to get the dishes into the dishwasher, I did catch H trying to get a glimpse down my shirt. Whether this is just a male reflex or something more to it, it doesn't really matter to me. I'm just glad I was wearing one of my pretty bras.

After H left for the night I went to sit down to watch some TV and turn on the fireplace but saw that the pilot light had gone out (we had some really strong wind gusts yesterday which I suspect is the culprit). So after a few failed attempts to reignite it, I called H to see if there was some special trick to getting it lit. H told me it's a real PITA & to just shut the whole thing off & he would come by tonight to reignite it. Well...yeah, I know it's a pain, I've yet to be successful in getting it lit, ever. So I thanked H and hung up the phone. Well I must say, my stubborn persistence paid off and after about 45 minutes of trying I finally got the thing to ignite and stay on. So I texted H and told him thanks for the offer to come by and do it for me, but I got the pilot going.

Ok I know this ^^^ might sound like much ado about nothing, but really, it isn't. Not for me anyway. I can paint, I can drywall, I can do minor plumbing & electrical and handle most power tools, but getting that stupid pilot light to ignite and stay lit has evaded me for years. I really am quite pleased with myself about it.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2231235 - 03/16/12 06:54 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Denver_2010]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010


Lastly, on a down note, and please don't let this upset you... but I'd be careful in discounting the possibility of a OW. I said the same stuff about my W and was in denial. I hope that you are right, but I also don't want to see you blown out of the water with that bomb if it happens.


No worries, Denver. You haven't upset me. This was actually one of the first questions my T asked me after the bomb was dropped. I've braced myself for it but really the odds of it, I think, are in my favour. I see it about as likely as my H telling me he's gay or that he's worked for CSIS throughout our M. In other words, although it would really shock me, I've definitely prepared myself for just about anything being a possibility.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2231271 - 03/16/12 09:08 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
ohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyohboyohboy...

I'm hitting unprecedented territory here.

H just sent a text asking me how my day is going.

I'm about ready to jump out of my own skin. This is the first text in I don't know how many months that he's asked me that. I need to play it cool. I NEED to play it cool!

I'm going to wait at least a few hours to reply, or should I not even bother? I have to talk to him sometime tonight to arrange for a time he can pick up D12 tomorrow. Do I just text him later & say, "Day's been great, yours? 10am work for you tomorrow?" or just skim over it & ask him if 10am works for him?

Somebody please help! I don't want to mess this up!
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2231277 - 03/16/12 09:27 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Denver_2010 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/10
Posts: 3029
Loc: Colorado
"Day has been great. Thanks for asking. How does 10 tomorrow work for you?"

Don't ask him questions... Don't show too much emotion. Get him wondering.

Denver
_________________________
Me 39
W 34
Ss 13
M 3
T 9
Bomb 11/1/2010
EA/PA
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012

Just Persevere

Top
#2231281 - 03/16/12 09:46 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Denver_2010]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Thanks so much for your help, Denver. I really appreciate it! I will respond to his text just as you've written it.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2231585 - 03/18/12 07:04 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Journalling:

A couple of days ago H sent me an email asking me if I'd be ok with him reducing his CS payment, "just this once", as he received an enormous electric bill for the house that he wasn't anticipating. Based on past experience, I know better than to trust his words regarding finances. I asked him to bring me the bill so I could see the useage because the amount he said it was just didn't make any sense (nevermind that we're on equal monthly installments). I figured there must've been some mistake with the billing. Either that or he was lying about it.

He brought me the bill. First thing I noticed was that he hasn't paid them in 3 months, thus the huge amount owing.

"Well, the bill hasn't been paid in three months. That explains why it's so high."

"It's the first bill I've got from them."

I just looked at him. "Yes I can afford a reduced CS payment."

"Thank you."

This is a huge 180 for me. The old me would've jumped at him by this point and said something judgemental and/or contemptuous. Or asked him why he thinks it's acceptable to ask to reduce his CS payment, instead of asking FIL to accept a smaller rent checque. But I didn't. Accepting a smaller CS payment will not be a consistent 180 for me though. The old me would've also told him to set up an automatic payment with the bank to avoid this happening in the future, but I bit my tongue. I probably also would've wondered out loud how it's possible for someone to make it to their 40's and not have it cross their mind that the obligation to pay the bill still exists, even if their billing department is lagging. But his financial mismanagement is no longer my business or my problem. So I let it go.

Then last night D12 complains to me that her toilet is broken & not flushing. I took at look at it & saw what needed fixing but had no clue how to do it myself. So I texted H & asked him if when he came over this morning to pick up D, could he please take a look at it and let me know if he knew how to fix it, otherwise I would have to call a plumber in. He didn't answer my text.

So H comes over this morning & is acting all business about it. Takes apart the broken piece, says he has to buy a repalcement part, takes it with him & walks back to the front door. He tells D to get her shoes on, he's ready to go. As D was getting her shoes on, I could see out of the corner of my eye that H was staring at me. As soon as I looked towards him, he looked away. Weird.

I don't know what to make of it.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2231746 - 03/19/12 02:45 PM Re: Stuck in a mess [Re: Dory]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
More weirdness with H last night.

H brought D12 home and put in the replacement part for her toilet so it's now working again. I thanked him and he left. He was still acting very robotic/business-like/cold last night. I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what's suddenly different...I have pulled back and been more dim with him the past couple of days, I don't know if that's it. Or my 180 with not freaking out about the hydro bill may have thrown him, I'm not sure. Or it could be something completely unattached to having anything to do with me or our sitch.

Any ideas? I don't know if this is something that I should anticipate happening when things start to look more positive? I know not to have any expectations, but then I also know that there are some universal patterns/scripts when it comes to WAS. Is this one of those times or have I set myself up for all this confusion?

It's times when there's a sudden shift in how things seem to be going that gets me confused.

Any input would be appreciated!
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
Page 3 of 7 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004